The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

The Male Hormonal Cycle:
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability..
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

Tobacco Smoke Enema:
Strange Old Tool
Do you know what it is? Look below, read and learn.
This old tool has been reintroduced in Australia by the Gillard Government.
It will be part of the Carbon Tax Emissions Trading Program.

Listen to Mother:
If your mum is (or was) anything like mine, she had several catch phrases that she used when we were kids to warn us of impending danger.
I can just hear my mum now...
"Don't play with those things!
You could put somebody's eye out!"

Twitter:
I'm old, I don't take well to change. I'm usually the last to try the latest izzmo's and gadgets. Friends seem surprised when I say "I'm not on Facebook."
And I never understood the meaning of Twitter until I saw this.

Politically Correct Joke:
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a
Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a
Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a
Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

SYd GREAT JOKE (I was only kidding about the finger)

Two Whales:
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.
Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father.
Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"
When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million
pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.
So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and
crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.
The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.
The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the
sailors!"
That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"

lol

A Sense of Freshness!
A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka, KS.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal-grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh-baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

WAKE UP TIME

When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet

When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night

And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. gone broke and won't be back'

And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track

When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains

And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains

When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight

When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right

When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe

And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go

And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned

And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned

When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust

And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust

And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought

And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught

When you see our kids with yankee caps and resentment in their eyes

And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise

When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand

And not a product of our heritage that grew off the land

When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate

And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'

When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense

When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence

Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land

Perhaps your heart will tell you then, ' I should have made a stand'

Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt

Then join the swelling ranks who say, ' don't sell Australia out'

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

WAKE UP TIME

When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet

When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night

And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. gone broke and won't be back'

And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track

When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains

And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains

When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight

When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right

When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe

And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go

And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned

And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned

When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust

And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust

And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought

And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught

When you see our kids with yankee caps and resentment in their eyes

And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise

When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand

And not a product of our heritage that grew off the land

When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate

And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'

When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense

When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence

Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land

Perhaps your heart will tell you then, ' I should have made a stand'

Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt

Then join the swelling ranks who say, ' don't sell Australia out'

Syd, are you slipping? I,m not seeing the funny only the tragedy.

Well, NT, this is for you.
I just got my new cell phone, and it's one that I can understand, outsmart, and know how to operate!!! I got it at the "Verizon Cell Phone for Seniors store" at the mall! You REALLY have to be OLD like Notech to appreciate THIS.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly:
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies." he replied.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." !!!!!!!!!!

Cell Phone Rudeness
One of our pet peeves is the almost constant use of mobile phones by people while driving, shopping, in the movies, dining and in line at the supermarket etc.
Does no one know how to say 'I'll call you right back'?
I was on the beach the other day, and I had to just sit there and listen to this woman for at least an hour while she talked on her mobile phone and
pranced back forth in front of me.
I couldn't concentrate on my book.

How thoughtless and inconsiderate can she be?
I almost got up and moved!!!

A Short True Love Story:
My Partner and myself, I might add not married to each other were reluctant co-inhabitants on a train.
We were going to Perth and the only sleeping berth available was a double berth one, so after conferring for 1/2 an hr we got past our reticence to share and my partner agreed that I take the top berth and she the bottom berth. We retired about 9pm....About 1am, I leaned over out of my berth and said something like "excuse me, but would you mind getting up and getting me a blanket out of the closet, as I am freezing my tits off up here." (Like it is now Winter here in Australia) My partner with somewhat a twinkle in her eye said, "why don't we think we are married to each other for the night?" I sat bolt upright in bed thinking the best......"what a brilliant idea I replied" My partner replied "get your own fucking blanket!"
Here endeth the love story!!!!!!!

The Time Machine:
Many a true word spoken in jest ...... Hmmm!
Barack Obama and Julia Gillard are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
Julia thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so she asks:
“What will Australia be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and she gets a printout. But she just stares at it.
“Come on Julia” says Barak, “What does it say?”
Julia replies,
“Buggered if I know! It's all in Arabic!”

The Truckie:
A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops off at a brothel in Kalgoorlie .
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop".
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal".

The truckie replies, "I'm not horny . . . . . I'm homesick!"

Doctor's Office:
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize....

I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.

Tolerance:

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.

I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ",and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other
side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...

5 Passengers 4 Parachutes...
An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left
the aircraft.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me."
So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country
the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australia ’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”