The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

A good joke, if not a bit too long?
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham Sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.
What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...
"What the fuck would they want with a plasterer??!"

Top Ten Country & Western Songs.

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3.. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO HAVE BEEN ASKING ABOUT MY DOG.




Please be advised I am tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled 3 Muslims sitting on a rug near our neighborhood tennis court, 6 illegals wearing Obama t-shirts, 4 passersby wearing Pelosi t-shirts, 2 rappers, a phone operator living in our neighborhood who asks callers to press #1 for English, 9 teenagers with their pants hanging down past their cracks, a customer service desk person speaking in broken English, 10 flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME.......

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
And that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
And when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and Passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?

God said. An arm and a leg.

Then Adam asked, What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

Helium Leak: MP3 File

No Words:

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military man,
and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear', I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out
of those boobs and shag your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same
negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished'.

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I will be soon sixty four.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

iPhones:

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.
He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in August, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.



My other son's birthday was also in August so I got him an iPod Touch.



My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.



It was around then that the fight started......

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital by Monday but Doc says I'll have permanent scars and always walk with a limp!

Blood Transfusion:
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!
Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better...

Just thought you'd like to know.

You know you're Australian if ....

* You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

* You think it's normal to have a leader called Julia.

* You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

* You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

* You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

* You're amused whenever you hear of Americans "rooting" for something.

* You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

* You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

* You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

* You believe the 'l' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

* You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

* You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass pineapples, bananas, prawns and sheep.

* You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

* You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

* You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

* You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

* You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

* You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread. You've also squeezed it through Vita Wheats to make little Vegemite worms.

* You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

* Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

* You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'.

* You believe that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

* You wear ugh boots outside the house.

* You believe that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

* You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

* Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

* You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

* You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

* You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron.

* Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

* You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

* You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

* You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

* You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

* When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

* You know how to abbreviate every word, all of which usually end in -o: arvo, combo, garbo, kero, lezzo, metho, milko, muso, rego, servo, smoko, speedo, righto etc.

* You're entirely understanding of the following phrases.........................

Chuck a YOUIE

Put your cozzies on and go for a dip

Watch out for the Joe Blakes, and the Noah's Arks

* You know that there is a universal place called "woop woop" located in the middle of nowhere...no matter where you actually are.

* You know that none of us actually drink Fosters beer, because it tastes like shit. But we let the world think we do. Because we can.

* You have some time in your life slept with Aeroguard on in the summer. Maybe even as perfume.

* You've only ever used the words - tops, ripper, sick, mad, rad, sweet - to mean good. And then you place 'bloody' in front of it when you

REALLY mean it.

* You know that the barbecue is a political arena; the person holding the tongs is always the boss and usually a man. And the women make the salad.

* You say 'no worries' quite often, whether you realise it or not.

* You've drank your tea/coffee/Milo through a Tim Tam.

* You own a Bond's chesty. In several different colours.

* You've ordered a steak the size of your head and only paid $5 at your local RSL.

* You know that roo meat tastes pretty good, but not as good as barra. Or a meat pie.

* You know that some people pronounce Australia like "Straya" and that's ok.

* And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Retirement:
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratumof alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "Don’t tell me..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a fucking Golf Course !!?"

I can't believe it's taken so long!
Northern Territory's hottest new pop group!

All the greatest hits...including:
Money, Money, Money (It's a White Man's world)
Drinking Queen
Walkerloo
The White Man Takes It All
Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (An Apology)
"S.O.S." (Social Outback Services)
The Name Of The Game Is Blame
Does your mother know (you've been stolen)
Knowing me, suing you
I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (Drink too much)
Lay All Your Handouts On Me
I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (Drink too much)
Lay All Your Handouts On Me
One of Us (Is scared of the dark)
Ring, Ring (I ain't got no bloody telephone 'cause the Government won't give me one.)
And Many More....

^^^
Thanks Syd for making my day!

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS: Actual notations from hospital charts!


1 . The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Testicular disorder...
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."

Worried your pension will run short?

Senior health care solution -
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 illegal immigrants!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison .... where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Dental problems ? - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hips, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now).
Games room , Television Room, Library , Hobbies ... all catered for. Cigarettes .. recreational drugs available .
And who will be paying for all of this? .... The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

Camping Letter to Mum:

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Always unroll the whole Newspaper before reading the headlines:
I was surprised when I first saw the rolled up newspaper.....

Then I unrolled the whole newspaper.

How silly of me. I thought the newspaper was finally telling the truth.

How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..
And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates .

Have a nice day!

A good Aussie ballad:
Doesn't the warmth and heart wrenching simplicity, of Australian bush poetry, bring a tear to the eye?
We are blessed in this country, to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers, like myself, through whom future generations, can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.

A Poem About Tomatoes
I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,
I love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, cos they're still in the tin!!