The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Condoms:

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

* Nike Condoms :::: Just do it
* Toyota Condoms :::: Oh what a feeling
* Ford Condoms :::: The ride of your life
* Optus Condoms :::: Yes!
* Duracell Condoms :::: Keep going & going & going

* Pringles Condoms :::: Once you pop you can't stop
* Hyundai Condoms :::: All day, every day
* Tip Top Condoms :::: Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)


* Panasonic Condoms :::: Even more than you expected
* VB Condoms :::: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
* Swan Lager Condoms :::: They said you'd never make it
* Vegemite Condoms :::: Puts a rose in every cheek
* Levi Condoms :::: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms :::: It brings you together

The following brands wouldn't sell so well

* Goodyear Condoms :::: If it only saves you once a year
* RTA Condoms :::: Speed kills
* Nobby's Condoms :::: Nibble Nobby's Nuts
* Bolle Condoms :::: Put them on your face
* Aussie Homeloans Condoms :::: We'll save you

And More On Condoms:
Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
What's up Dave, asked the Landlord.
It's not like you to be so down in the mouth?
It's my four year old son, the man replied.
Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? "my lad's just the same" forget about it, it happens to boys that age, said the landlord, sympathetically.
I only wish it was that, continued the customer, but it's far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant. Get away, that's impossible! gasped the landlord.
It's not, said the man, the little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms.

Key to inner peace this Holiday Season:
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning,
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

A GOOD LESSON ON AUSTRALIAN FEMALE COMPASSION:

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, an American, a Kiwi and an Australian

Woman, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The American woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Kiwi woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Australian woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.'


She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Hopefully, not a repost?
A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are drinking together.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of
his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you have sex, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Aussie Cricket Jokes:
What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.
The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.
They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’
Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”
What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand? A waiter.
Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was chained to his foot.
What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”
What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common? Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Australian innings.
What’s the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without even trying.
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.
Why can’t Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?
They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?
At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

Too Cold To Pee:

Medical Dilemma:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.
"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Serious men’s stuff Letter to Men's Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now, that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up and she's going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake, to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on...

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket...

Mate, is that something I can weld myself, or do I need to replace it?

The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard:
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.
The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,
"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......
And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

A good Catholic Joke:

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the Sydney Opera House in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand?

Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her!

Aboriginal Firefighters:
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!'

Proud Aussies:
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all. Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



...makes ya feel proud to be Australian!

Obsessions:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.
'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.'
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky"
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered...... 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.'

The Flagpole:
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
We need the height, and she gives us the fooken length.

Men Are Just Happier People


NICK NAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

PROSTATE CHECKUP
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again,
While I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back
With your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with
this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One .. Two ...Three".

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing !!!

Tragedy:

Julia Gillard was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Ms Gillard if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Gillard. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not',explained Gillard, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gillard searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying you and Mr. Rudd and Mr. Swan and Mr. Garrett was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Gillard, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'

Bad Government:
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF WORTHLESS GOVERNMENT AND THE LACK OF INTEREST IN PUBLIC WORKS. ARE THERE NO GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES THAT WILL SPEAK UP OR DO SOMETHING? THIS IS A REAL SHAME.
THEY TAX OUR INCOME, THEY TAX OUR PURCHASES, THEY TAX OUR LIQUOR AND THEY EVEN WANT TO TAX OUR GROCERIES. WHERE DOES ALL OUR TAX MONEY GO?
JUST LOOK BELOW. THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Did you see the condition of that bridge?
It's a piece of shit...
It needs immediate and urgent maintenance!

Weather Forecasting the Australian Way:

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the North are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'