The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Leave It To Dad:
Little Johnny asked Mom what 2 words mean that kids at school were using...........Pussy and B**ch.
Mom inhaled sharply, but then said: "Oh, that's easy. A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico ..
A b**ch is a female dog, like our Sandy ."
"Thanks, Mom.."
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
"Dad, the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and b**ch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
Dad said: "Son, never ask your mother about these things, ask me instead. Let me explain it like this."
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: "Son, everything inside the circle is pussy."

"Okay, Dad. Then what's a b**ch?"
Dad replied: "Everything outside the circle."

Good one Syd!

I don't think you have to censor those words in the joke threads in that context

Exam Question:

What's the capital of Ireland?

About £25.

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:

I reckon this bloke should have got a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

WALKING THE DOG

A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and
if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would
re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was
blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in
front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this flight before because the pilot
approached her, and calling her by name, asked, "Kathy, we are in Sydney
for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch
his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane
with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses!!
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
but they were trying to change airlines!
True story. Have a great day and remember...

... THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

A DAY WITHOUT LAUGHTER IS A DAY WASTED!!!

Exactly!


Thanks Syd

Light Relief:
The wife asked me how many women I had slept with?
I proudly answered, "Only you my Darling.......all the others kept me awake all night shagging".

Muslim terrorists have been on the rampage in Bradford killing anyone who is
English. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Paddy and Mick driving down the road, and Paddy says "Look at that flock of
cows over there". Mick says "Herd of cows you idiot". Paddy says "Of
course I've herd of them you spastic, theres a flock of them over there".

I woke up this morning at 8 and I could smell something was wrong.
Got downstairs and the wife was face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing,
I panicked, didnt know what to do....... then I remembered Mcdonalds serve breakfast till 10.30am.

I spent some time near my wifes grave today.
She doesn't know, she thinks I'm digging a pond

After thirty years of marriage to Florence , Jim the plumber left his wife today.
The note on the table read "It's over flow".

The result of a Darwin survey:
Question -What's the Northern Territory's indigenous populations most feared insect?
Answer - The "FlagonDry"

Crime Down Under:
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer most probably a batsman" said the Sergeant.
"Yes" said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant" said the Sergeant "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No" she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

A Warm Story For Christmas:
A Jehovah's Witness called at our house last week.
It was freezing cold so I said, "Don't stand outside, lad, come in and sit by the heater."
He came in and sat down while I went and made him a cup of coffee and warmed up some mince pies.
When I came back into the loungeroom I gave him the coffee and pies and I said to him, "Now then, lad, what do you want to talk about?"
He replied, "I'm buggered if I can remember - I've never got this far before."

Tim and Janice:
Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."
"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Hello everyone,
In the interests of increasing our vocabulary, here are today's new words,
SS
This one is for all of the LEXICOGRAPHERS in our midst - and at the sides too!
You'll get a laugh from some of them too!
Cheers

New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then flies out.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all'.

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, I.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female’s back.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

The brothel at the top of the hill:
There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.
There were four men ...
one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.


What were the nationalities of the four men?


* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish
* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green.

Christmas Post Office:

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent off to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely, Edna

"Jesus Knows You're Here"

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

The Sunday Paper:

"Where is my Sunday paper?", the irate customer calling the newsagent loudly demands, wanting to know where her paper is.
"Madam", says the newsagent, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.”
There is quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she is heard to mutter, "Well fuck me, that's why no one was at Church today."

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over

--- so now we're going to SeaWorld

@ Seaworld

A truly touching story....truly touching!!

I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought “These Taser guns are well worth the money.”

The Postman Knocks Once:
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.'