The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me.. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and laughs: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

Council Job:

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "OK, you've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

The Scotsman:

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a large willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing
Scotsman'..
He couldnt believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing willy.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

Coincidence:

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says. "This is a special day for me......
I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer!" As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!' says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."*

Don't Mess With Seniors:

Ear Infection This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Appetite Suppressant:

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

JOE & DEAN
Joe and Dean were fishing when Dean pulled out a cigar.. Finding he had no matches, he asked Joe for a light.
'Yeah, shure, I think I have a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

'Jiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Dean, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where did you get that monster??'
'Well,' replied Joe, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You have a Genie?' Dean asked.
'Yeah, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Joe.
'Could I see him?'
Joe opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Dean says, 'Hey there I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Dean asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Dean sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens, and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead..

Over the roar of the million ducks Dean yells at Joe, 'What the heck, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Joe answers, 'Yeah, I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

This shows a superior salesman at his best:
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.'
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'
'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'
'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered mate, you might as well go fishing.'

Gorilla:
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat..
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.. So theZoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have Sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Graham, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

Damn Damn Funny

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,
Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife', she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob -
Women like that are hard to find.'

Little Johnny:

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Youve gotto luv little Johnny
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at Home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "A car" and gets a similar answer.
Johnny says " At my house we don't need nothin."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Johnny replies, "no I'm sure."
"When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying
"Well that's all we fucking need."

Weather Report:
When you walk out the door in the morning and see a sky like this ......


.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee and stay home.
It's NOT going to be a good day.

Baby Bonus:
An aboriginal woman went into hospital for a pregnancy termination.
Two weeks later she received a cheque for $5000.
She rang the hospital to ask who it was from...

The hospital said... 'Crimestoppers'.

A Nice Poem:
A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .
From wide-open prairie,
To a small elevator,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.....
Sweet old farts like you!

A subtle Thai joke:
I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"

Perhaps a Repost, but still worth a laugh?
Man In Elevator:
A little Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little Irishman says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jazus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'

537 I posted in the other joke thread a couple days ago

539 I Laughed My Ever Lovin' Ass OFF

Do You Have A Vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman, "do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened in the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it." She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?"
Yes" she replies.

The man retorts, "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"