The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don't worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I'd rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don't want to do that, you'll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

Famous Mothers

COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered,
you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you."

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear


1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich
short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the
males actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor
when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm
outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in firm voice. "Have you got a license
for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit
Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped
down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel
neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out
in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his
hand. "Oh,Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"...

A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have you
tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red ones, blue
ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few other different
colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man adventurously. Six
months later, he appeared in the same store with a rather sorry looking
young girl asking for maternity dresses. The same assistant served them
asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue one," The young man said sadly.

====================

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic
activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's
performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.
After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

======================

After the Sundays game, Norman figured he better spend some quality time
with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into
bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the Four Play?" says
Todd. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before the two minute
warning."

A pig farmer in Alabama was trying to get his pigs to breed, with no
success. Every morning, he'd run outside to the barn and perform a
pregnancy test on the female pigs. Everyday, the results were negative.
The farmer was baffled.

One day, he called the local vet and asked for some advice. The farmer
explained that he couldn't get his pigs to mate. The vet replied, "Try
artificial insemination."

"What's that?" the farmer asked.

The veterinarian said, "It just means if you can't get your pigs to
mate, you'll have to do it for them."

So the next day the farmer rounded his pigs into the back of his pickup
and headed into the woods. Soon he stopped, and one by one he shagged
each of the pigs.

Later that week, the farmer checked the pigs. None of them were
pregnant! So the farmer took the pigs out again and shagged them really
good.

After days of this, with no pregnant pigs, the farmer gave up. One
morning as he went to feed the pigs, he arrived to find that the pigs
were all missing! He ran back inside the house and shouted, "Wife! The
pigs are gone!"

His wife replied, "Honey you're not going to believe this, but all of
your pigs are sitting in your pickup, and one of them is honking the
horn."

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They
make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again. She still wants more and the
guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself." While out of
the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the
man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or
five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll
take over for me." So that's what the man does and he is just getting in
the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on
them. The cop asks "What are you doing in there?" The guy says "I'm
making love to my wife." The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife
until you shined the light on her."

I am passing this onto you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could do with a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found inner peace.
The article read:

" The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you
have started."

I looked around the house to see all the things I had started and
hadn't finished. So before leaving the house this morning I finished off a
bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, three Bacardi
Breezers, the Jack Daniels, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake
and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how bloody good I feel

One of my wife's friends is a lesbian. One day we got to talking and I
asked her did she ever wonder what it would be like to have children.

She said it was the one thing she regretted about her sexual
orientation, that she might never be a mother.

She's a good-looking lady, and I said slyly that if she ever wanted to
be impregnated I'd be happy to help out -- purely altruistically of
course.

She shot me a death-ray look, and told me with a curling lip that if she
ever decided to reproduce, it would be by artificial insemination.

"No problem," I replied, "If you want artificial, I'll tell
you I love you."

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend
an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes
across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its
center. "Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman.
"How much is this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies.
"It goes for$10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "But my marriage won't
last that long!"

======================

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his
wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said.
"It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy.
"But what if you came home one night and caught another man
in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his
cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

=======================

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife
suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing
diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband
narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean
the next diaper. I meant the next baby."

=================

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he
reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he

grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, he traveled
across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he
did horizontally, which amused and delighted me.

And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an
"epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which
everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my
hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit
drinking before noon.

Male Instructional Guide For Relationships
The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.,
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are
encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior
in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes
to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as
emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's
gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back
when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to
do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to
sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.


Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?
A: Call her and tell her where you are.

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks
a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking
tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila
whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at
the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells
the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it
is the best tequila he has ever tasted. the Mexican yells to
his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another
glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink
it. It is tequila.

Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is
the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and
partied all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to
fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is
excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells
his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we
will drink Tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the
table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills
it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one
glass?"

Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor,
you drink from the bottle."

Billy and Jimmy are playing out on the playground. Jimmy turns to Billy
and says, "Billy, what's a penis?" Billy replies, "I don't know. I'll
ask my parents when I get home." So that afternoon Billy goes home.
Billy's mom is in the kitchen. Billy goes up to her and asks, "Mom,
what's a penis?" Billy's mom says, "Billy! Don't ask me questions like
that! Go ask your father." So Billy runs off and finds his father,
reading the afternoon paper. Billy asks his father, "Dad, what's a
penis?" Billy's father seems quite pleased with his son's question. "Ah,
my son is becoming a man!" Billy's father stands up, undoes his pants,
pulls them and his underwear down. "This, my son, this is a penis," says
Billy's father. "And for your information, this is not just any old
penis. This is a 'perfect' penis." Now fully informed, Billy returns to
school the next day. At recess Jimmy approaches Billy. "Hey, Billy, did
you find out what a penis is?" "Yeah, I did," Billy says, and leads
Jimmy back behind some trees where no one can see them. Billy undoes his
pants, pulls them and his underwear down and says, "Jimmy, this is a
penis. And not only that: if it were three inches shorter, it would be a
'perfect' penis."

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years, when one
day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He
frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, presently he
spies a rowing boat being let down into the water from the ship. About
ten minutes later the rowing boat reaches the shore carrying a man in a
Captain's uniform. "Thank Christ for that!" says our shipwrecked hero,
"I thought I was never going to be rescued." "How long have you been
here?" asks the Captain. "Ten years, ten long years," replies the man.
"Ten years?" says the Captain, "How have you coped all that time on your
own?". "Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow, I've built my own house,
there it is, over there, Number 1!" "But ten years!" says the Captain,
"Ten years with- out sex!" "Ah well, that's not quite true," says the
man shyly. "What do you mean?" enquires the Captain. "Well, about six
months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed
an ostrich up the beach with it's head buried in the sand and it's ass
facing me. Well, I thought it's been nine and a half years, so I crept
up behind it and WALLOP!" "Ugh God, that must have been disgusting!"
cries the genuinely shocked Captain. "Well, it was alright for the first
five miles, but then we got out of step!"

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and
moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's
parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his
sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered.

He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!" So Tony climbed on
top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs
started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said the wife.
"Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her
as hard as he could.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again. "Come on, Tony!" said
the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted, "Hey,
kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

A man says to his wife get ready, you me and the dog are going fishing today. Wife says I don't want to go fishing Man offers her 3 choices. "One, we go fishing. Two, you give me a blow job or three, you take it up the arse." The wife chooses the blow job and after a couple of minutes of sucking say's "this tastes like shit" to which the man replies "yeah... the dog didn't want to go fishing either.

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Who is right the men or woman?

men are right on this'un^^

Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for
a "cigarette break".

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain
Bringdown".

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,
take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying.
"Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys".

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you
were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

The Cat In The hat Reviews The DaVinci Code


I will not watch it on TV,
I will not watch on DVD.
I will not watch on VHS,
I will not watch on CBS.

I will not watch it in a car,
I will not watch it in a bar.
I will not watch it with my dad,
I will not watch it when I'm sad.

I will not watch it in my bed,
I will not watch with my friend Fred.
I will not watch it on a box,
I will not watch it shown on FOX.

I will not watch it on a table,
I will not watch when it's on cable.
I will not watch it in a chair,
I will not watch it anywhere.

I wish I had not paid eight bucks,
This movie really really sucks.