The official Jokes thread Vol 1

Now it's time to see what some UK TV presenters and commentators have
said over the years... Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester
cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other
and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tire choice on World
Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This
Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last
night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away.
"My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he
said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from
different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said :"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that
eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven
Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that
nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxford crew."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

Georgia Crazy Law
***********************
~~Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while
the state assembly is in session.

~~All males in the state between the ages of 16 and 50 are required to
work on public roads.

~~It is illegal for a barber to advertise his prices.

~~Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.

~~Signs are required to be written in English.

~~You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting"
words.

~~No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is
Sunday.

~~It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a
funeral home or in a coroners office.

Acworth
**********
All citizens must own a rake.

Atlanta
*********
Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

One man may not be on another man's back.

It is illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless the
shades are down.

Columbus
************
Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.

It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.

You may not sit in an *indecent* position.

Conyers
**********
An ordinance was passed that prohibits saying the phrase "two fried eggs
and a fritter for a quarter" in an attempt to prohibit slang talkin'.

Gainesville
*************
Chicken must be eaten with the hands. (I live in Gainesville and it was
once the poultry capital of the world. Believe me, that law still stands
and I've seen people arrested for eating thier chicken with a knife and
fork.)

Jonesboro
*************
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"

Kennesaw
*************
Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.

Marietta
**********
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a
truck.

Pocataligo
*************
It is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts, to
pilot or ride in an airplane.

St. Mary's
*************
No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

Quitman
***********
Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.

It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

My husband and I had been married for about a year when my
brother-in-law, a career Navy man, stationed in Guam at the time, called
to tell us that he was marrying a Chinese- Malaysian girl he met there.
My mother-in-law flew to Guam for the wedding, and on her return all she
could talk about was how sweet and refined the girl was and how careful
we had to be when they came home for Christmas not to offend her
sensibilities. She was really worried about me, I think, because she
hadn't yet quite come to grips with the fact that I hung out of
helicopters with a camera and traveled with an all male camera crew for
a living. When they arrived for Christmas my mother-in-law had a large
reception for them and everything went well until she ask her new
daughter in-law how their trip to the states went. Well, this lovely
soft spoken girl, with the face of an angel, launched into a story, in
the finest navy language, with a broken accent, I have ever heard. "Dat
som-o-beech he fart on plane, it smell sooo' bad all people have to
move, den dat mudder-fucker he jus' sit there an' laugh. I tell him, I
keeck his ass but I afraid I get sheet on my shoe!" My poor
mother-in-law turned white, then red, and every else tried to stifle
giggles or act as if they didn't hear it. Of course I, being devoid of
any social graces, just roared and hugged my new sister-in-law, while
assuring her the gas problem ran in the family. We have been great
friends ever since, and my sweet mother-in- law has finally gotten over
the shock of it all.

Quote:

Originally posted by ThreadKiller

It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

WTF!

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION


1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.

It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent

the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah

diet.


2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but

gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a

delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And

just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get

your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat...

"Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,

you're so gay.


3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such

nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on

bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled

pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El

Dicko and undeniably a fag.


4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking

lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his

bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.


5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in

the poop chute. Coffee is to be hard strong, black, and full aroma. A

straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim"

and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If

you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.


6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of

dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A

real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that

crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league,

NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or

you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type

of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.


7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a

slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs

that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or

play with his honey in the passenger seat.


8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le

Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a
woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by

yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous

homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out

too.

After giving the hired man a dressing down for being
late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded,
"Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."

"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained
the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't
understand a word I said."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is
free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We
can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough
power in the future to wreak revenge on everyone who ever
screwed us in the past.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows
you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail
if you really tried them.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can
provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it
comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your
physician.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her
son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of
clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

By the end of the week, he owed her $2.50. She received the
money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip and a note that read,
"Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the
stairs at city hall. He is taken to the hospital where he
remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend,
I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll
never be able to work again."

"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Consultant

10. You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added".
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6 Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.


**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

The world is divided into two types of people: Those who love
to talk and those who hate to listen.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

The golden years are really metallic years; gold in the tooth,
silver in your hair, and most of all, lead in the pants.


**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

It's not the ones who don't know how to drive that
cause you to worry; it's those who don't know they
don't know.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her
date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.
She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and
slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to
an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than
her doorbell rang. There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours
late ..... and you're still not ready?"

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Husband: "Honey, why do you usually answer me back
with a question when I ask you something?"

Wife: "Is that what I do?"

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Wedding Telegrams..................

The Bureau of Meteorology forcasts rainstorms so the bride can expect a
few good inches overnight.

Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch instalments.

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
to prove it."

Confucious say man who sink into womans arms soon have arms in womans
sink.

Sorry I cannot be at Wedding... Please send me a photo of Bride and
Groom Mounted.

Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and
She'll last for many years.

Dont keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to
the woman next door.

Treat him like a flower... grab him by the stalk.

If you don't want the Stork to come, Shoot in the air.

Go for it mate. We all did!

All the best from Mr and Mrs Farkin and all the Farkin kids.

She offered her honour, He honoured her offer, and all night he was on
her and off her.

Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an
Off-Spring next Spring.

Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, One
long hard route.

Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whisky makes you Frisky,
but its a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.

Travel Agency to Bride:
The grooms face leaves at midnight. Be on it.

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express
an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and
frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the
inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the
population.

Football coach to bride:
If you've tried him in 18 positions and he's still no good, pull him
off.

Treat the Bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.

A man walks into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he
wants. "I want bury my face in your cleavage and lick
the perspiration from your breasts'" he says.

"You filthy wotsit - get out before I fetch my husband!"
shouts the barmaid.

The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts, and again asks him what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt on your
bum and lick it off," he says. "You dirty old man - get out!" she
storms. Again, the man apologises and swears never to do it again.

"Now - what do you want?" He replies: "I want to turn you upside down,
fill your secret place with Guinness, and drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's
watching TV. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between
my breasts and lick the perspiration off," she says. "I'll kill him!"
storms the husband. "And he wants to pour yogurt onto my bum and lick it
off," she screams. "He's dead!" howls the husband, reaching for a
cricket bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my
secret place with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries. The
husband puts down his bat and slumps into his armchair. "Aren't you
going to protect my honor?" she cries, hysterically. "Look - I'm not
messing with someone who can drink two gallons of Guinness," he replies.

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.

"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribblings

on the wall, and one that said: 'WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD -
ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!'" replied the
customer.

"Ah buddy, I wouldn't give it a second thought, we get jerks in here
like anywhere else," said the bartender.

"I know," continue the headshaker. "One of them has scratched out the
phone number!"

Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much,
and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I
have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.

A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you
know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an
example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just
terrible; that's why problems like this come up!

Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a
good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies
who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example
for a little girl 10 years old?"

Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her
hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each
other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good
example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth.

Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now,
darling, how did this happen?

And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father
Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant
this year."

Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her.

"Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I
don't need I give to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed, "Your son is very successful, what does he do for
a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession," the pastor says. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady says proudly, "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and
two in Reno.

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other
brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to
animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life. As time
went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil
brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a
devoted husband and father and supported many
charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not
spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." "I'm
sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him
and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to
gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before
long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of
beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm
seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and

a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad." God
explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole
in it.
The blonde doesn't."

What did the fat girl say to the other fat girl?????


Who gives A Shit!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."