The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted
by a young woman with three small children running around at
her feet.

The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have
you ever used the product?"

The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the
time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me
and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help
with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for
sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far,
can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband
and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, a woman attempted to
put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

"What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping
with your best friend?" she asked provocatively.

"Well," he mused, "I'd say that you're a lesbian."

A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could not
distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had
devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month
cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits
50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it. Upon the end of the
voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The
ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway. The two embraced
and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?" The captain reached in
his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor. The
inventor blew his stack. He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar,
didn't they like it?" The captain
responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate
it."

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number,
I dialled him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.

"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.

"Would you please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and
immediately hung up.

When he didn't return the call, I angrily dialled again. This time a man
answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"Like Hell you are!" I exclaimed. "You're not my boyfriend!"

"Lady, I know that," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell
my wife for the past half-hour."

Snake Engagement Methods as found in US Military Rules of Engagement (ROE)


Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...

01. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

02. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

03. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

04. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives
steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base.

05. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

06. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.

07. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to
kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon
return.

08. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis
in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter
mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

09. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL. Snake dies.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad
extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on
how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back ordered.)

16. C-130 crew: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares
away on roof of children's hospital. Returns to base for refuel,
crew rest and manicure.

17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft
fuselage.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses
snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather.
Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry
with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests
procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes
don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert
without power lines or SAMs.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for
snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG a.k.a. The lawyer): Snake declines to bite,
citing grounds of professional courtesy.

The Louisana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,hunters,fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators whilst in St.Tammy,Jefferson&Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little-bells on their clothing as an alert, but not to startle the alligators, unexpectedly.They also advise the carrying of pepper spray
in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and
adult droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my
computer?

The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to
Heaven,
where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are
punished
for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of
naughty words,
such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is
good, then
after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become
numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't
really
matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all
the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then
deleted go
to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the
deleted characters,
because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a
tiny monster
inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds,
drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle
Creek, Michigan,
where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so
flammable,
while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the
screen when they
are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize
them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

When the cop was off duty, he often hung around bars in the seedier
parts of town, listening to rumors and trying to get a sense of what
was going on.

One evening a quite stunningly beautiful lady walked in and ordered
a drink.

The cop watched her, fascinated that such a comely, well dressed
woman would be in a dive like this.

She seemed to notice his stare; she turned and came over to where he
sat.

"Can I buy you a drink?" she asked, her azure gaze holding his eyes
as though her were hypnotized.

"S-s-s-sure!" he stammered, not believing his luck. She was gorgeous!

Just then the bartender snorted, "Hey, buddy, that's no lady!" and
laughed out loud.

"What?" the cop asked, confused.

"Like I said. That's no lady. He's not a woman, either!" the
bartender said.

The cop's face turned a deep red as his anger rose. "Why, you...I
oughta run you in!" he growled at the "lady."

"For what?" he/she answered, "I haven't done anything illegal, have I?"

"For male fraud!" was the cop's reply.

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation
has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much
like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.

So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the
teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer ,
so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her arse, I knew that I was
in definitely!

There was a very unusual hospital where one of
the main treatments was that the nurses would take
the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to
take him home. He was a small man, and he had
tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and
takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back
to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask
what she could possibly be so happy about after
sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his
penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes
aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT
AND PIZZERIA'."

"Wow!" they say.

"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues.
"'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

"ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'."
Valerie finished.

Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top
of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

An Ipswich girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."


Another Ipswich girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're
concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"



An Ipswich girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Ipswich girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Ipswich girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to
shout NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do
it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Ipswich girl... "I just use their surnames"



An Ipswich Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Two farmhands went to a country dance. One of the hands, Joe,
had a wooden eye and was very self-conscious about it.
Joe told the other guy, Bill, that he was worried about someone
saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him not to
worry because it was a good eye and most people couldn't tell
it from a real eye.

Bill danced nearly every dance as there was a lot of farm girls
there. Joe just didn't dance at all. Finally, Bill went over to
Joe and asked if he had danced with any of the girls.

Joe told him that he had not because he was concerned about
them saying something about his wooden eye. Bill told him
again not to be concerned about it. Bill pointed to a girl
sitting across the room and told Joe,

"See that good-looking girl over there? She's got a hair-
lip and hasn't danced but once or twice. I danced with her
once and she's an excellent dancer and real polite. Go over
there and ask her to dance. She won't say anything about
your wooden eye."

So Joe had a couple of more snorts of courage and went over
to the hair-lipped girl and asked,
"Do you want to dance?"

To which she replied in a high pitched hair-lipped voice,
"Would I, Would I!"

To which Joe replied,
"Hair-lip, Hair-lip!!"

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British
newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers
homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the
street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you
did?"

"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I fucked her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh
- what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he
wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over.
Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before
him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs
the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really
like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you ..
you're going to have be really something special to get this job you
know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing -
if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what
type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark
plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out
again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I
need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes
out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the
sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp .

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
the other is a husband

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat
conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind
him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched
off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend
goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched
off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man
behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the
hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and
snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole
club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious,
our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your
enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

A man was making love to his wife and he exclaimed, "I
will love you to death!"

The following night they again were beginning to
making love and he shouted "I'll love you till you
scream!!"

After he had done the same thing the third night, his
wife pulled a feather out of the pillow and began
tapping him on the head with it.

"What are you doing?" demanded the husband.

"Comparatively speaking, I'm pounding your brains out"
she replied.

Divorce Letter:

Dear Connie,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.
I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a
lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care
about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as
long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you
in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and
brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to
illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only
youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that
just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the
couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've
made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately
attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that
before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss.

Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the
same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy
without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She
said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't
know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids
can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle
it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it
makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever
put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14
years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful
time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in
general.She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really
is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is
think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that
gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it
and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do
you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In
your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just
wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
you let me know where the Damn remote is.

Love, Dan.