The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She
went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said
to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for,
your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock
to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman
and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish,
she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will
make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and
continue feeling good. Male readers: Please scroll down.


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The man had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are not as smart as they think.Let them continue
to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it proves that women
never listen!!!

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur
coat for their 25th anniversary.

"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur
coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties,
and thrust her pubic area forward.

"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the
damn coat!"

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we
got married, this was your hope chest. On our
honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards
it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T
BUY ME A FUR COAT....IT WILL SOON BECOME
THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

As an attendant at an exclusive golf club, my work includes welcoming
guests to the course and loading bags in and out of vehicles. I'm the
only female on the staff, and I work with eight teenage boys.
One day a golfer drove up in a yellow Lamborghini. Three of the teens
rushed to help him. Later, they gushed about their conversation with
the man, who told them he owned three of the Italian sports cars.
"Really?" I replied. "What line of work is he in?"
"We didn't talk about that," said one of the boys. "We only asked if
he has a daughter."


Dr. Barradley completed his examination of the teenage girl, then took
her mother aside.

"I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis."

"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could
she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?"

After giving it a little thought, Dr. Barradley responded, "It's
possible," then added, "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."

One fine evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought
a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a
romantic picnic under the moonlight with his lady.

Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead
of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night
deposit-nine thousand dollars. The young man brought the bucket back to
the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money. The
manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told
him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a
story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and
morality that would inspire others!

The hungry man shrugged it off. "My date's waiting. I just want my
chicken."

The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost
overwhelmed him. He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news.
At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his
chicken.

"I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a
dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that
there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right.
Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?"

"That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman
in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out
of here."

The IRS decides to audit Ed, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ed shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ed. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ed says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ed removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ed says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ed isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ed removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ed's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ed asks.

"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ed stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ed's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ed told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

great stuff

Quote:

Originally posted by ThreadKiller

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British
newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers
homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the
street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you
did?"

"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I fucked her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh
- what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

Excellent! And it's all true, not a joke! "Nej" isn't finnish btw, it's swedish.

Greeks vs. Italians:
>
> A Greek and an Italian were debating one day about who had the superior
> culture.
>
> The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon!"
>
> The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum!"

The Greek haughtily boasts, "We had all the greatest mathematicians!"

The Italian responds, "We had the Roman Empire!"

And so on and so on until the the Greek finally says, "Well, we invented
sex."

The Italian nods, and says, "I guess that is true... but it was the
Italians who introduced it to women!"

i love these joke....bloody brilliant

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN.


1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................


2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................


3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............


4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............


5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................


6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................


7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...


8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !! :-)

9. The Fake Oh ThreadKiller Oh ThreadKiller!!

I hope I translated this joke right so it's still funny.

A truck is driving reverse on a road. Of course a cop pulls him over. He asks "Why are you driving reverse?" Driver says "I have to drive to a village to load up a shipment and my boss says that you can't turn there" The cop accepts that and lets the driver go. Half an hour later the cop sees the truck again coming from the village driving reverse again. The cop pulls him over again and asks "Are you kidding me?" The driver says "My Boss is dumb. You CAN turn in that village"

no jokes for over week now

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down
BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender's having a slow
night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

"Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?""

The guy answers, "I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave
my wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I
hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of
cream."

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. "So you
came home and found cream on the weight?"

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, "It's worse than that.
The cream had been churned into butter."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like
I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you
fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix
the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my
forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front
door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't
think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help
out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to
get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all
get fixed?"


She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a
nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do
all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a
cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my
forehead?"

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical
errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the
ground.
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines
roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the
ground.
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate
and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.
Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline
came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how
unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all
the shit scared out of them!"

During my training as a medical-group receptionist, I was told never to
recommend one of our doctors over another, but simply state who had
available appointments. One day a woman came in and looked at me
conspiratorially. "I'm a nurse," she whispered, "and I know the staff
always knows which doctors are good and which aren't. Who do you think I
should see?" Knowing my supervisor was listening close by, I tried to
sound most professional. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied. "I can't recommend
any of our doctors." "Well, you must know!" she said, heading for the
door.

BAR TRANSLATIONS
"YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another
round.)

"I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a
dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a
pop.)

"HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as
a way to get your attractive friend into a
compromising position.)

"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."
(FEMALE) (I'm easy.)

"CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."
(MALE) (I'm gay.)

"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that
I get to lick you.)

"EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what
I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than
me.)

"I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

"WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?" (I haven't
bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an
expert at diverting attention.)

"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE) (Get the hell
out of the way.)

"EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am going
to grope you now.)

"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE) (Don't even
think about groping me, just get the hell out of
the way.)

"EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE) (Move
your fat ass. Who do you think you are
anyway? You are not all that pretty, missy,
and don't think for one minute that you are.
Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your
eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch,like
the slut you are.)

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?" (What's cheap?)

"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

"CAN I HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN?" (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

"THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

"CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?"
(FEMALE) (I'm annoying, but cute enough
to get away with this.)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 16 .)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled
over and blew a .2 after my last visit here.)

> A Parks Board warden finds an indian man at the Blue Lagoon with

Ten shad in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're

Under arrest."

> "But lahnee, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from

home.

> I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week.

> When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go

home."

> "I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

> The man promptly dumps the shad into the sea and gazes after them

As they swim away.

> After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

> "How long what?" says the man.

> "How long till you call the fish back?"

> "What fish?"

knock, knock

who's there?

Horsp

Horsp who?

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice
on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating
on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the
caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot
recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just
some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but
she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a
car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and
walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at
all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was.
This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched
the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming
that I should never touch her personal property, then accused
me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think
deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night
she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I
decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view
of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at
that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a
small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between
the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So... is this something I can easily repair myself or do you
think I should take it back to the dealer?