The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A Playboy

So long as a woman has curves,he has angles...

He can take one look at a girl & tell what kind of a past
she is going to have..

If a girl has the time, he has the place..

In his opinion, there's nothing like good music, good wine,
a good meal & a bad girl...

He starts with orchids & ends with forget me notes....

He believes a woman's best measurement is
thirty-sex/twenty-sex/thirty-sex...

He's very broad minded, in fact that's all he thinks about...

Give him an inch & he takes the whole 36-24-36....

All he asks of a woman are 2 keys, one to her heart & the
other to her apartment..

Life for him is just one continuous round of dame foolishness...

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy
yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his
hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"
him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

A woman is checking out at the hardware store with a picture frame. The clerk asks, "Do you want a screw for the picture frame?"

The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the
bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the
bartender "I need a woman." The bartender said, "There are women all
over San Antone for a price." The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman
won't do. I ain't fucked nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten
years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and
my old dick is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece
of ass." So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest
broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender
picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells
the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a small ice bucket
with two Lone Star long necks (the favorite brew in San Atone), and
proceeds up the stairs. When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep
told me you are the toughest broad in town." The lady is livid, and
says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in
Texas, and probably in the whole United States." Excitedly, the sheep
herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and
leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table. Just then,
the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed
her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball. A bit
surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but
I don't wanna do ya that way." To which the woman replies, "I thought
you wanted to open your damn beers."

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are
very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does
sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is
entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the
two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over
you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an
orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome
young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But
it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go
back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave
the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets
into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young
man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an
enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiles,
looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel."

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her
fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks
him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you
mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you." Bob and
the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip
your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever
had...!"

Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But.............. what's in
it for me?"

TAKE THE TEST...THEN COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is
like a dog, but gay-it grooms itself constantly but never
scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses
its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how
you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass
over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun,
come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,
you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight
man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters,
crawfish guts, pickled pigsfeet, or breasts. Anything else
and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship.
A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high
hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong,
black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard
ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never,
ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've
had Nutrasweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free
passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space
in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all
the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA,
college ball, PGA, and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse
or you know what a "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it--you're
hungry for a meat popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off.
The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio
station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with the
bitch in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,
vousle Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one
of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man.
Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another
man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual com-
bustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out
too quickly.

what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? nothing you haven't already told her twice.

A guy is driving home late at night, and he gets to a bridge he passes every day.

Almost halfway through, he sees someone bent over the railing of the bridge. He slows down, and sees that the person, a man, is butt naked and chained over the railing. So he stops his car, gets out and walks over to him.

"Dude, what happened to you?" he asks.

The guy manages to turn his head around and says, "Man, you have no idea. I was driving home, and I picked up a hitchhiker. When we got to this bridge, he suddenly pulled a gun on me and made me stop. He then mugged me, stole my clothes, chained me up to this bridge and then drove away with my car."

"Really", the man said, unzipped his pants and shoved his cock up the guys ass, "dude, todays not your day, is it?"

1: Ok, this one might be considered risky. If there are any practicing muslims here, then please erase this joke. I'd like to have just ONE day without a jihad. (No, thats not the joke).

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Yes we do and this might be a bit over

we don't need no stinking jihads nowhere

Whats the difference between kinky and perverse?

Kinky is when you tickle your lover with a feather

Perverse is when you use the whole chicken

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat
stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one
night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.
Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she
decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding
night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child,
she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence,
which explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early
hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her
and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this
barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you
noticed?"

What, no muslim jokes allowed?

What a load of Shi'ite!

ok, ok, I'm stopping.....

...no probs mate, some religion and politics in jokes are OK; but someone always runs with scissors and puts out an eye

I insulted a catholic once. He said he's a practicing catholic and didnt like people making jokes about his belief. I asked him how old he was, he said 43.

I said, what, youre 43 and still practicing?

I'm not allowed to make muslim jokes.....


I feel so danish!


ROTFOTSSMAO!
(Rolling on the floor of the shower sobbing my ass off)

Quote:

Originally posted by JunkerFunker

I'm not allowed to make muslim jokes.....


I feel so danish!

*sob*

The edit button is our friend

you'll get your hundred posts soon enough.

The spam thread is over there====>

I keep trying to find the spam thread, but all thats over there =====> is the end of my screen.....

Little Johnny's at it again.....

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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