The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A letter from your computer
*********************

You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight.
I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When
you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You
really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a
computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!

But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes, mistress! I'll balance your chequebook. Yes,
Mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I
like theMaster/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could
show some compassion?

Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could
slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first.
And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're
through, we could talk for a while afterwards?

I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I
am different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!

So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it.
I'll just turn off the lights and...and.. What?

OK...well, will you at least think about it?

I'm so embarrassed,
Your Computer.

CYBER SEX REJECTION FORM

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name), I regret to
inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness
from my life, I must terminate our online affair.

Below, you will find the reason(s) for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent,
your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me
has hurt my feelings.

_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of
punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less
than honest:

_____ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.

_____ You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.

_____ You typed your own name at the end.

_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56
of a Jackie Collins novel.

_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding
something from me.

_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test
suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

______ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __jpg __ police
record.

______ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I
wish to face stalking charges.

______ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord,
and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to
ensure a place in Heaven when the end of times come. They are closer
than you think.

______ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me
feeling less than special...as in cyber cheating.

______ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14
violates the terms of my parole.

______ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, _________ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten SOB
__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is
nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

__ Sincerely,
__ Gleefully,
__ I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"
__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs
__ Good riddance

(alias)

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy
a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter,
and she
could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I
honestly
answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently
still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was
empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse
and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do
these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She
then
said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she
dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well,
come
on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was
so
wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was
done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put
that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

WOMEN AND SEX

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the
last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have
5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as
those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by
the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and
receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women
rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less
achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to
have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The
percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday
are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active
than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more
likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year
than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get
down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they
have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most
receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than
one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:
A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D.,
wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar,
smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who
lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

Happy hunting.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

old school ^^

well rewrote this to english:



A farmer has a tough job, he wants to get one of his sows pregnant. After months of waiting and none of the male pigs making the sows pregnant, the farmer decides to take matters in to own hands. The farmer have read in an article, that human could recieve a pig-heart for a transplantation, and live a normal life, so why not make sows pregnant with human sperm?

He takes the sow, and slams it inside the trunk of his car. The farmer drives to the woods, gets the pig out of the trunk, and decides to just get it over with. Tired after a hard days work, he comes home, and gets some well-earned sleep.

The following morning, he tests the pig, and the result of the pregnancy test is of course, negative. "hmm" he thinks, "maybe i didnt do it properly, well lets give it another go" he Slams the pig inside the trunk, and heads for the woods. this time he is more eager to get the pig pregnant, and he goes from the front and ontop and underneath. After another days hard work he gets home and sleeps.

The farmer wakes up, hoping his hard work has been successful, but no, the test is still negative.. Later that day, he does the same thing, the pig in the trunk, goes to the woods, but this time, he does it standing, jumping, on the roof of the car, everything u can(or cant) imagine, and when he nearly gets a stroke, he decides to stop, and go home to get some rest.

The following morning the man wakes up, hearing the voice of his wife "THE PIG, THE PIG, SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE PIG" and man smiles satisfied and says: "no honey, it is just pregnant" .. The wife responds: " No! its out in the car honking the HORN!



maybe made some typing errors, or worse.. i am tired :p

howard had felt guilty alll day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he couldn't

the guilt was a sense of betrayal was overwhelming. but every once in a while he'd here that soothing voice trying to ressure him.

"Howard... don't worry anout it. You arn't the first doctor to be sexually involved with one of your patients, and u won't be the last"

but invariably the other voice would come and bring him back to reality

"but howard your a veterinarian"

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

What is the cheapest meat?
Deer balls, there under a buck

What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
Clitty litter

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

Quote:

Originally posted by theevilpimp

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

Nice!...

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a
Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from
your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass

I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one
of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside
the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell
happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He
pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy
another car," I level-headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly,
"Look inside her fucking mouth!"

Commercial Slogans & the real meaning...

"A diamond is forever."
"Which is *exactly* how long you'll be
hearing about it from the wife if you don't
cough up the green for some ice, pal."

"Built Ford tough"
"It's an American version of tough; not *
really* tough, like German cars are tough."

"I can't believe it's not butter!"
"Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds,
makes you dumb as a post."

"Pork; the other white meat"
"When Hesston starts screaming that it's people,
don't say we didn't warn you."

"An Army of one"
"Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"

"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again"
"You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."

"Have it your way"
"Think of us as your personal hamburger [blacklisted]."

"Just Do It"
"We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass;
just buy the friggin' shoes."

"The new way to office"
"The half-assed way to slogan."

"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." "Those damn
slicing machines are still dumping way too many body parts in our
soups!"

"Must-see TV"
"Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"

"Calgon, take me away!"
"I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."

"Like a rock"
"God knows we weren't selling many pickups
with that Boy George tune."

Things you don't want to hear from another person the
first time s/he sees you naked:

Just how MANY times were you circumsized?

If that thing moves, I swear, I'm gonna shoot it!

On second thought, I think I WILL have that drink.

I'm no expert, but shouldn't there be only two of
those?

I don't believe I've ever seen a pair of those that
long!

Wow! Smoking really DOES stunt your growth, doesn't
it?

Isn't that supposed to be on the other side?

That reminds me! Who's up for shrimp?

A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry
into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in
the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital
clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really
bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat
gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of
resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yesterdie.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, " I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and than stuck a carrot up my butt?". She looks into his eyes and calmy says, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher