The official Jokes thread Vol 1

Back in my working days I was a union linotype operator in a
daily newspaper on Cape Cod. Our employment required 6 years
of apprenticeship prior to receiving a journeyman's
credentials. We were required to be proficient in English,
particularly spelling and meaning of words, among others.

One day a fellow worker while setting a story came across the
word, "butte" and asked his co-worker the difference between
a butte, mountain or mesa, etc. A discussion arose amongst
several of us and the comparison was made as well of canyons,
escarpmets, bluffs. etc.

Someone suggested we ask Jeannie, one of our proofreaders to
settle the question. Well, Jeannie was what one might say a
worldly lady, and when approached by our representative with:
"Hey, Jeannie, what's a butte?"

She promptly replied: "Offhand, I'd say, one about this
long;" signifying a distance of about 8 inches with her hands.

This brought a hasty retreat to the composing room by the
questioner, stifling laughter all the way!

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses side
saddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when
he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds. !

One nice thing about egotists.

They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
look like a 20-penny nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm ?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll
show you a man who can't get his pant's off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Top Ten Signs You're Easy.....

. You become a K-Y spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...
....just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 6969.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.
.When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on themoon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and
explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home
from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your
mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you
come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited
when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor,
and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My
husband's home! My husband's home!"

A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman
can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight!

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends...

What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it
takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for
their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where
only two could fit before!"

Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? He did okay
until his business fell off.

What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How come?"

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? By sticking your finger in his
honey.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for Twats.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.

What's the definition of eternity? The length of time between when YOU
come and SHE leaves.

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.

What's the ultimate in rejection? When you're masturbating and your hand
falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies? There'd be too many thank you notes
to write.

There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a
blowjob.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as
substitutes for meat.

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

* Romeo and Juliet
Net Txt Version

--------------------- Act 1 -----------------------

Login:
Romeo : R u awake? Want 2 chat?
Juliet: O Rom. Where4 art thou?
Romeo: Outside yr window.
Juliet: Stalker!
Romeo: Had 2 come. feeling jiggy.
Juliet: B careful. My family h8 u.
Romeo: Tell me about it. What about u?
Juliet: 'm up for marriage f u are.. Is tht a bit fwd?
Romeo: No. Yes. No. Oh, dsnt mat-r, 2moro @ 9?
Juliet: Luv U xxxx
Romeo: CU then xxxx

--------------------- Act 2 -----------------------

Friar: Do u?
Juliet: I do
Romeo: I do

--------------------- Act 3 -----------------------

Juliet: Come bck 2 bed. It's the nightingale not the lark.
Romeo: OK
Juliet: !!! I ws wrong !!!. It's the lark. U gotta go. Or die.
Romeo: Damn. I shouldn't hv wasted Tybalt & gt banished.
Juliet: When CU again?
Romeo: Soon. Promise. Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu.
Juliet: Miss u big time.

--------------------- Act 4 -----------------------

Nurse: Yr mum says u have 2 marry Paris!!
Juliet: No way. Yuk yuk yuk. n-e-way, am mard 2 Rom.

--------------------- Act 5 -----------------------

Friar: Really? O no. U wl have 2 take potion that makes u look ded.
Juliet: Gr8.

--------------------- Act 6 -----------------------

Romeo: J-why r u not returning my texts?
Romeo: RUOK? Am abroad but phone still works.
Romeo: TEXT ME!
Batty: Bad news. J dead. Sorry m8.

--------------------- Act 7 -----------------------

Romeo: J-wish u wr able 2 read this...am now poisoning & and climbing
in yr grave. LUV U Ju xxxx

--------------------- Act 8 -----------------------

Juliet: R-got yr text! Am alive! Ws faking it! Whr RU? Oh...
Friar: Vry bad situation.
Juliet: Nightmare. LUVU2. Always. Dagger.
Ow!!!

Logout.......!

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a
penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it
may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny
as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between
man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
$1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills,
gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No
one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are
certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting! dressed , this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given 5
more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and
you should
be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end
in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, no permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A
"Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them! about future
arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

Oh, and before we forget ...

"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A PLAYBOY PLAYMATE
You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing
your barking dog as "a real turn-off."

Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of
bunny ears.

Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

Cops break up loud parties at her place just like
anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop
a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in
the backyard!" You: "Son, go home before your
wife and kids start to wonder where you are."

The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a
whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely
guys with binoculars.

Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges
and trimmed neatly down the middle.

There's always a traffic jam on your street when she
is mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still
have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she
even *has* any.

Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue sky
rockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."

After helping her trim her trees, your husband
bring home more wood than you can handle.

There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her
lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking
if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In
Orlando.

Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy
Playmate" on the restraining order she just took
out against you.

Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza
is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor
can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"

Your know youir girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitos stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

While I was "flying" down the road (at 10 mph over the speed limit), I
passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh, yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

Clearly caught off guard, the cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well, I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then, with my whole hand in, I
work side to side until I can get both hands in. And then I slowly but
surely stretch until it's about six feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" The cop
demanded.

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge ...."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00
Court Costs: $45.00
The look on the cop's face: PRICELESS

THE TOP 15 EUPHEMISMS FOR "GETTING YOUR PERIOD"

15. Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
14. Trolling for Vampires
13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
12. Saddling Old Rusty
11. Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
10. Clean-Up in Aisle One
9. Massacre at the Y
8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide
6. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
5. Taking Carrie to the Prom
4. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
3. Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
2. Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right
thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on
the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and
examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the
street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you
know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not
sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is
definitely Willie Nelson!'

A destitute couple were discussing their finances and desperately trying
to
come up with ideas that would get them out of their situation. After
some
time the husband declared to his wife "OK the only way we are going to
get
out of this mess is for you to go on the streets and sell yourself for
sex."

"But honey " she said " I have never done anything like that and I won't
have a clue what to do."

"No problem" he says "All you have to do is put on your shortest skirt
and a
blouse that shows the most cleavage and then stand on a street corner
and
wait on the customers coming to you"

They decide that it is probably the only way they can get out of their
present predicament so she gets dressed up and proceeds to the nearest
street corner. The husband leaves her at the corner but tells her not to
worry as he is close by in the car and will be watching in case of
problems.
She is only there 5 minutes when a car pulls up and a guy calls her over
to
his car. "How much for sex" he asks.

Never having been asked this before she tells the guy to wait a minute
and
then she runs round to where her husband's car is and asks him how much
she
should charge for sex.

"$100" he says so she runs back to the guy in the car and tells him.

He only has $60 so he asks "How much for a blowjob"

She asks him to hold on and then she runs round to where her husband is
and
asks how much should she charge for a blowjob.

"$60" he says so she goes back to the guys car and tells him.

It is within his budget so he tells her to get in the car. When she gets
in
the car, the guy pulls down his zipper and pulls out the biggest dick
she
has ever seen.

Hold on she says and she gets out the car and runs back to her husband
and
says "Can you lend this guy $40"

Pittsburgh girls












Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Connecticut, and bragged
that he had told his wife to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He
said that it took a couple of days, but on the 3rd day he came home to
a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Iowa. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and cooking.
He
said he did not see any results the first day, the second day things
were a little better, but by the 3rd day the house was clean, the
dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table

The third man had married a girl from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry done, and she was to have
hot meals on the table for every meal. He said that the first day he
didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything. By the
3rd day, the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and phone a landscaper.

25 Signs Showing You Might Be Canadian

1. You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
2. You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just
dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
6. You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for
your holidays, with good cigars.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical
group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions
Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that; Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion &
Mike Myers are Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always
pronounced "Zed".
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but
requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still
winter, and road work.
19. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in
Canada'.
23. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more
polite than, "Huh?"
25. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your
Canadian friends!

PRODUCTS COMPETING WITH VIAGRA

Vigor Mortis
Chubmeisterin
Nice-a-Boni
Firmicox
Upsydaisium
Newman's Own Peter Pill
Mydixapokin
PeneTrex
Erectomycin
I Can't Believe It's Not Flaccid!
St. John's Pork
Fuchinacea
Jimmy Dean's Sausage Helper
Nuprick
Dr. Wong's Essence of Small, Harmless, Endangered Animal TrimFast
Bonertin Dr. Pecker Jizzquil
Grogaine: Most users can expect to see some evidence
of an erection in 3-6 months.

An old gentleman slowly approached the local brothel and
pressed the doorbell. The madam opened the door, looked at
the old fellow with a critical eye and then asked. "What
can we do for you, sir?"

"I need a girl," the senior citizen said.

"For you, the charge is a hundred dollars."

"You're putting me on," he exclaimed.

"That will be an extra ten dollars," said the madam.