The official Jokes thread Vol 1

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of
glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you
just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them
b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind
of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions
and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT
accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the
private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical
officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir
wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box
full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back
Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man
packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as
she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the
instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,
nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this
point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the
paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the
pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes
him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into
its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how
to do this one more time!"

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon!

~~~~~~

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
prostitute and asks? "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run
sideways?"

"Why?" she asks, "Are you a harmonica player?"

~~~~

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving
down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck
in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
...."Yours is ."

~~~~~~~

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when
an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the
carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his
father."

"I know", replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my
husband!"

During a commercial airline flight a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young
mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began
nursing the infant as
Discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon
debarking, he gallantly
Offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her paediatrician said
nursing would
Help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true fighter pilot fashion
exclaimed,
"Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

While traveling thru the Appalachians, a circus lost one of its elephants.
The elephant wound up grazing in a hillbilly garden and the owner spied
him.
Not recognizing the type of beast it was the backwoodsman phoned the
Sheriff.
The Sheriff asked the man what the animal looked like to which he
replied, "Well, he's big and gray and has a tail on both ends."
The Sheriff then asked what the animal was doing.
The backwoodsman replied, "He's standing in my garden pulling cornstalks
up with his tail."
The Sheriff then asked what's he doing with the cornstalks?
The backwoodsman said," Sheriff, if I told you ,you wouldn't believe me!

The Blondes Are Back!



Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a

drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."



***************


Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world

was Chinese.



***************


Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.



*****************


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really

bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it

to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided

to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really

hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and

started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little

harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you

doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to

blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need

to roll up the windows first.



****************


A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for

glasses.

The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye

while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye

doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through,

covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her

face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about

getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on

wire frames."


****************


A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver

thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it

over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot

and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So

she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold

things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."


***************


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf

balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf

balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and

finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does

it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


******************

Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should

make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie,

something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy

her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its

features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new

phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her

astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,

"how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is

clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see
a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he
was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where
her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,
she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the
bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror! on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

Why I don't go into ranchin'

You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn't.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
the children".

Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The "cow" starves to death.

The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

Last Sunday, the Gospel was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five
good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five
bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always end
on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with...

"Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids
or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids?"

I wasn't the only one who got it wrong!

Living
Will Form






I,
__________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish
to
be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means.

Under no circumstances
should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of
lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the
bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
ask for at least one of the
following:


Gin
and Tonic,


Bloody
Mary,


Margarita,


Scotch
and soda,


Martini,


steak,


lobster
or crab legs,


the
remote control,


bowl
of ice cream,


the
sports page,


chocolate,


or
sex


...it should be presumed that I won't ever get
better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending
physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.


Signature:
___________________________

Date: _
__________________________


I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

One Drunken Night


Two buddies, Steve and David are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly David throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!
Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually David stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, David says, "Now wainaminit, I can esplain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss koudint hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he also shhhit in my pants, too.

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........


////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

####################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

********************************************************************************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ...
let's say we stop?

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

=====================================================

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Rednecks

Bobby Lee's four conditions:
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a gorilla of a very rare species.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in season.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,
a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under four conditions.
1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."
Once again it was agreed.

4. And last of all, Bobby Lee stated, "You gotta give me another week to
come up with the $500.00."

30 Signs You Know You Have A Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2.You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not
7. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
8. You've fallen and you can't get up.
9. BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
10. When you can focus better with one eye closed.
11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
12. Every woman you see has an exact twin. 13. You fall off the floor...
14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
15. The glass keeps missing your mouth! 16. Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
17. Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
18. At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
19. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
21. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
22. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women].
23. Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more and more attractive.
24. Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
25. Roseanne looks good.
26. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
27. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
28.You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.
29. I'm as jober as a sudge.
30. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.

Things One Should Never Say During Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

Elevator

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain." The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky,Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."

Pulled Over

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of
our

team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all
the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat,
but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and
I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued,
"You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one
noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"