The official Jokes thread Vol 1

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

**DELETES Demonicmale's posts**




Impolite Things to Say at a Wake or Funeral

* Of course you'll miss him, his credit cards ain't good no more.

* It's weird not seeing him drunk.

* Isn't that wool suit gonna be a little warm for Hell?

* Where did you get that ugly dress you burying her in, the green box?

* So now that you're a widower, whose going to keep your bed warm?

* I was there when he died, he was so mean the coroner ruled he died
of natural causes even though he had two bullet holes in back of his head.

* Now that you are single again lets go visit them Johnson girls.

* When you get that big insurance check how about giving me the $200 you owe
me!

* Man, you sure had them put that casket deep in the ground.

* Hey dude, throw them flowers in the hole too!

* First funeral I ever attended and the husband was at a Clemson/ USC
football game.

* Son, Go look in the casket and see if that is your Mama, who that
preacher is talking about!

* Whose idea was it to order 9 yds of concrete to cover that casket..his
ex-wife?

* So, what are you gonna do with his autographed NASCAR collectibles?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out
there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise
men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this
time!"

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him
a seat. As the bus shakes, the old man cane slips on the
floor and he falls.

As he gets up, an 8 year old kid, sitting nearby turns to him and says,
"Sir if you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it
wouldn't slip."

The old man Snaps back, "Well, Sonny, if your Daddy
did the same thing eight years ago, I'd have a seat today!"

Have you seen the advert in the papers today?

Ipswitch are recruting more prostitutes. Flexible hours and a salary to die for.

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American
tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the
abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land,
through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was
held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around
the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971
Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of
whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the
back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack
and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and
detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The
Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the fucking thing about half an hour
ago!"

Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had
in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the
closet.
4. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
5. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
6. When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and
have it hauled away.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the
back of your pickup truck.

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut,
It seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might Be a
hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder
And it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman
To be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment the hooker replied,
"Oh, about two or three thousand dollars, I guess."

U2 Concert

Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax ,Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience
for some quiet.Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin',
then!"

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!"

(Waiter exits, returns)

Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you
like your new job?"

"It's the worst damn job I ever had."

"How long have you been there?"

"About three freakin months."

"Why don't you quit?"

"No way. This is the first time in 20 years I've
looked forward to going home."

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most
of the day in bed, my six year old son asked me why I didn't
have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend,
and it entertained me all the time.

The only problem was the television set was old and would
just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a
few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on,
which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my
recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back
on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied,
...."No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

Bubba came visitin' up north, and decided he wanted
to go and do something he could never do in South Alabama...
..... SNOW SKIING ......

Unfortunately, before he ever made it UP the hill so's he could
*try* and come DOWN the hill on ski's, he was knocked unconscious
by the chairlift.

He called his insurance company from the hospital, but they said
they were refusing to cover the injury.

"WHAT?!?" yelled Bubba at the phone. "And just why
wouldn't you cover an injury like this?" he complained.

"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," Bubba's
insurance rep said. "That makes you a freaking moron... and we
consider that to be pre-existing condition."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he
asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was
an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness
Stout and drowned."

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no."

"No?"

"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his
childhood sweetheart Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed,
Morag lays down the law:

"Now that we are wed, I have one rule. If you are ever
unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!"

Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns home to
find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she
runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden
sheers and exacts her revenge. Still gripping the severed
giblets, she leaps into her car and flees.

She speeds through the village, swerving from left to right
in her rage. This attracts the attention of two local
coppers, Kyle and Shamus, who take off in pursuit. Seeing
them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics, winds down the
window and hurls out the evidence, which thumps with a
bloody splat on the copper’s windshield.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" swears Bill, "Did you see the
size of the dick on that fly?"

Defendant: "Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer."
Judge: "And why is that?"
Defendant: "Because the Public Defender isn't interested in
my case."
Judge (to Public Defender): "Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?"
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor, what did you say? I
wasn't listening."

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior
K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by a recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police
at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the
scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog
on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand
to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all
my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

Father: Why don't you get yourself a job?

Son: Why?

Father: So you could earn some money.

Son: Why?

Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn
interest.

Son: Why?

Father: So that when you're old you can use the money in
your account...and your lazy ass would never have to work again.

Son: I'm not working now.

Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is
a little slow

Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and...
Graphics arrive via FedEx.
You believe a heavier string might improve your
throughput
You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup
and it displays a week later.
Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"...
for 1989.
You're still in the middle of downloading that popular
new game, "Ping Pong".
Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like
Forrest Gump.
You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the
side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.