The official Jokes thread Vol 1

There was a father and son who were always in competition with each
other. One day the son left to take an entrance exam at a university. He
wanted to major in medicine. A week later he returned from his trip
looking very down in the dumps.


"How was the exam?" asked his father.


"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about
first aid and stuff. I got a score of 75%. It wasn't good enough to get
accepted," the boy replied.


"Well in that case I better take that exam myself," the father said. So
off to the university he went. A week later the father returned from his
trip looking very down in the dumps.


"How was the exam?" asked his son.


"They asked quite a lot of 'fill in the missing letter' questions about
first aid and I got them all wrong but one."


"Gee, Dad. Which question was that?"


"The question was...", started the father, "What do you do when you come
across a lady which has fainted. You feel her pu_s_?"


"That's easy", the son replied. "The answer is pulse."


"Oh, hell," said the father," I got that one wrong as well."

A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an
old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area,
she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after
hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to
the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate about
one hundred dollars more than she could pay at the time.

"Darn. Just one hundred dollars? If you weren't such an old guy," she
said, "I'd fuck you for the remainder of the bill."

"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that
dress and get on the car."

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he
dropped his pants. He was hung like a mule! "Oboy!", she thought. "Not
only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, i'm going to get
the hell fucked out of me too." At that time she noticed the old man
placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" ,
the woman asked.

"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred dollars,
you're gonna get all of this?"

Suurree no problem...glad I could help

http://www.disabledfriends.com/vids/Jap%20Porche.mpeg

http://www.disabledfriends.com/vids/IraqNewsReport.wmv

http://upload.croq.be/anthony/croq_poorguy.wmv

The Hippe
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?" says the hippie.
"Yeah!" say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question,
but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
"'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver."

Married Couple
A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice.
No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
- A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
- A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
- And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

A Clever Kid
It was the first day of school and a new 4th grade student named Pedro. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history."
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"
Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the students, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new, knows more about history than you do!"
A student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Shop at Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries backto Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart "

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said

Computers and Tech support

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical
on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't
find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at
the 7-11.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that
one does work...


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point. The man sitting in the
cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer
is working fine."


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up
a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

New product intesting phase soon to hit the market.........A pill that makes semen taste like apple or orange and other flavors......my question: who does the taste-testing..............

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. They hired a most comely young woman for the job. he worked
out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat, and also
kept the gentleman of the household most satisfied indeed!.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to
quit. "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. I am not able to have
children and my husband and I would dearly love children, so we'll adopt
your baby if you will stay." She talked to her husband and of course he
readily agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they
adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she
would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was
pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if
she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went
on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same
thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they
adopted the third baby. She worked for another two months, but then
said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many bloody kids here to pick up
after!"

I was interviewing a cleaning woman that was applying for a position in
helping with the upkeep in a house I was rehabbing and occupying. in
this small town Florida community.

When I asked the reason she had left her last employer, she replied,
"Well, sir, they paid good wages, but I'm telling' you it was the most
ridiculous and sinful place I've ever worked.

My last night they were playing some kind of game called Bridge and a
lot of local town folks were there that I recognized from the social
pages of our town newspaper.

I was about to bring in the refreshments, when I heard a man say, "Lay
down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."

"Then another man says to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

"I pretty near damn near dropped the tray and dropped dead just then,
when I was shocked to my senses to hear the lady answer, "You jumped me
twice when you said you didn't have the strength for one more raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. And I couldn't
believe it, in this respectable community, hearing yet another lady
call out, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can
play with mine."

"Well, with them shenanigans going on, I just got my hat and coat and
as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I
guess we'll all go home now because this is the last rubber."

Russian and an Australian wrestler were set
to square off for the Olympic Gold medal. Before
the final match, the Aussie wrestler's trainer
came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the
research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he
has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this
hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment. As the
match started, the Aussie and the Russian circled
each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing the Aussie and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment
arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from
the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in
time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Aussie
collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning
the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the
Aussie wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever
get out of that hold? No one has ever done it
before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give
up when he got me in that hold but at the last
moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing
to lose. So with my last ounce of strength I
stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could."

"So, the trainer exclaimed, "That is what finished
him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get
when you bite your own balls.

Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian.
"What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.
"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc, " the gator says.
"Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I
wanted.
Now all I can do is let them swim by."
Concerned, the vet gives him a through examination and hands him a few
pills. "What are these?" the gator asks.
"It's a pill very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.
"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem." The alligator protests.
"What exactly is wrong with me?"
"Well." The vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."

As Jack passes by, he saw an old man crying.

" Why are you crying? " asked Jack.
The old man weapingly replied " I am turning 80, I am filthy rich and I have a very beautifull wife that I have great sex with".

" That's no reason to cry about... " said Jack.

" But I forgot where I live. " said the old man.

Vincenzo and Luigi were sitting on a bench in a New York park. "Hey,"
said Vincenzo , "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa, greasy,
straggly hair?"

"No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Luigi .

"Den, you likea da woman stinka bad a garlic alla da time?" inquired
Vincenzo .

"Nope, I'ma no lika dat kind either!" said Luigi .

"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins,
no?" asks Vincenzo .

"Notta me!" answered Luigi .

"How about da woman witha da big ass and hairy arms," asks Vincenzo

"Never lika dat!" answered Luigi .

"Den you Guinea bastard, whya you keepa fuckin' my wife?" Vincenzo
asked.

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well,"Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face".