The official Jokes thread Vol 1

What do you call a Blond giving a blow job in a Honda????
Her Civic Duty!!!!
Thank you very much your a great crowd, Don't forget to tip your waitress!!!!!!

A young doctor went to look at a practice that was up for sale in a very
remote part of West Virginia. It looked perfect with a comfortable
house, fully equipped lab, and lovely gardens. The old doctor even
quoted a very affordable price.

"This looks great," said the young doctor. "I just can't figure out how
you're able to have such a nice set up with so few people to practice
on.

"It's just simple, common sense and a strong work ethic," replied the
older medico. "For example, most folks around here take a couple weeks
off for a vacation every year.

My wife and I, however, spend the time at home, gardening and putting
things in order. Our herb garden gives us a huge harvest because of
that, so we mix the herbs and boil them up for my secret tonic."

"But that doesn't explain this fine house and all this land," said the
younger man.

The elder doc replied, "That's where going that extra bit pays off. I
run into my patients at church, at the store, whatever, right after they
get back from their vacations. I tell them they don't look too good, and
they usually say that their vacation took a lot out of them." He
continued, "I'll agree with them, then invite them to stop around to my
office for some of my old fashioned tonic, and at ten bucks a bottle, it
can add up really fast! Of course, that's just the beginning.

A few weeks after a patient buys the tonic, I comment on how much better
they're looking, so that they feel like the tonic is working."

"Then I have them stop by the office for a complete physical exam, just
to make sure everything is alright. I also tell them to bring in a
specimen, and this way I get my bottles back!"

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yep," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."And he disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him,"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,"Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

>
>
> > Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions"
> > to his first year medical students.
> >
> > Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor

> > decided to lighten the mood slightly.
> >
> > He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know
> > what
> >
> > your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
> >
> >
> >
> > She replied, "Probably playing golf with his friends

GRANDMA:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk
if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come
from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer
meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting
there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned
out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What
an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must
have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this
religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down,
leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Along with all of the eye-candy summertime brings
(which of course we all spend a good chunk of the day monitoring),
you can also see some truly horrifying sights. The other day, I saw a
woman whose entire 300 pound frame was clearly convinced that she was
Britney Spears and dressed accordingly. I understand that much of it
has to do with the fashions of the day, but if you think that low-
rider jeans are equal opportunity then you are dumber than Jessica
Simpson.

I have compiled a list of terms that describe the types of fat found
on most big-boned, I-only-eat-salad-with-blue-cheese-dressing-kinds
of fat girls.

Fatty Tuna Rolls - The pinched fat on or around the hips
caused by low-rise pants in size 4 when you are really a size 12.

Skate Wings - The puckered fat hanging from the triceps, similar in
texture to the eponymous fish and revealed by teeny-weeny tank tops.

Pulled Pork - The red-tinted stretch marks on one's underbelly made
visible by a combination of low-rise pants and tiny tanks.

Sausage Links - The obvious similarity of obese fingers to the summer
barbeque delicacy. Those afflicted should be required to wear mittens
year round.

Tootsie Rolls - The somewhat utilitarian back fat often accentuated
by brassieres purchased 4 years and 50 pounds ago. I have seen these
large enough to provide temporary storage for things like remote
controls and chicken wings.

Bone-in Rib Eye (also known as the cankle) - This phenomenon
is seen in short-wearers whose calf connects directly to the foot. No
ankle.

Passion Fruit Soufflé - Sometimes when the breasts outgrow
the bra they simply spill over it like a muffin top or a rising
soufflé. Too much of these is probably how you got into this whole
mess anyway.

Jelly Bellies - This one should be self-explanatory.
And it's disgusting.

Amuse Course - Ever get a HUGE plate with an itsy bit of fancy food?
Just like a face adrift in multiple chin and cheek fat.

Double Burger - Sometimes when the stomach extends forward
past the breasts, it can provide adequate support without requiring a
bra. I bet this looks really funny upside down.


If you have any of the items on this list then get off your fat, lazy
ass and get to the gym. In the meanwhile, try to shop someplace more
appropriate. Like Lane Bryant.

Medevil Pick-up Lines

- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight
could scabbard his sword, would you?"

- "Been there, slain that."

- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"

- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only
thing they stretched."

- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my
sleeping chambers floor."

- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my
chain mail drawers expanding."

- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"

- "Your hovel or mine?"

- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in
action?"

- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"

- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic
within."

- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my
heart."

- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."

- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."

- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"

- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes
disappear?"

- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a
vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends
is on it!!"

- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have
sex with frogs?"

- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help
you out of it."

- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks
and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"

- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like
Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let
down."

- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."

- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day
keeps the black plague away."

- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"

Female Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"

The fellow said "No",

She said, "You will be if high tide comes this far up."

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should
cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples
are so expensive.

The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly
apples. Here, try one."

The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the
peanut butter but not the jelly."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a
sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but
they're $10.00 each."

The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,
these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."

The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and
a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "N ow, if you really like those, I've got
some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy
apples."

The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,
"YUCK, these taste like shit!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position,
so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their
search down to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all
the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the
best answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman
is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's
name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers. The first one says "My answer is, there IS no
answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."

The third guy says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or
Willie Nailer."

He got the job.

What is that in the front of the white shorts?
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/132373/hidden_camera/

If College-Themed Porn Were Real

Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the
desk of her professor.

Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?

Professor: Some students do extra credit work.

Cindi: (has sex with him)

Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?

Professor: Some students do extra credit work.

Cindi: Like what?

Professor: A seven-to ten-page report about the economic
principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of
your choosing.

Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and is an appropriate extra
credit assignment for the course.


Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk
of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.

Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?

Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.

Paul: How?

Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)

Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?

Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.

Paul: How?

Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material
covered in this course.

Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?

Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)


Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large
bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.

Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!

Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!

Sorority Girls: (begin doing those things)

Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.


Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with
her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the
size of overripe grapefruit? She does.

Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.

Candi: Okay.

Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.

Candi: No.


Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl
whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.

Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?

Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have
all kinds of sex with him)

Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.

Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station
in life.

Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided
to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first
drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?"

His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"

The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80
and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do," he says. "We'll buy
that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order
drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you
start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to
pay!"

The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and
order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first
drunk whips out the sausage and the second starts sucking on it.

"What the bloody hell are you doing? You dirty bastards! - Get out of my
bar!" yells the bartender, and the two run out laughing.

"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second drunk.
"Let's do it again!"

So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This continues
for some hours.

At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk
says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry.
Hey, pull out that sausage and let's divvy it up and eat it."

"Sausage?" says the first drunk. "Oh, yeah ... the sausage. I dropped
the sausage on the floor about eight bars ago!"

ADULT SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife,but you can't beat a
blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're
screwed.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have
two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but

nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he threw a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say "123," and it shall rise for as long
as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it"s over, and I don"t want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is"1234",
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work

again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new power and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and
puts on his most

exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying
next to her, he says, "

1-2-3" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life,
just as the

medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say 1-2-3 for?"

An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May
1 help you?" asks the salesman.

"Yes" says the father, 1'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of
trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little
Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman
asks, "Will that be all sir?"

"No" says the father. "1'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for
Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again.

"Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting
that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?"

"Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father,
bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his
mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the
most beautiful breasts 1 ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the
whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"'

One dude told me this story:

He was sitting in his room watching some porn and jerking off when his mother entered the room.
He said: The fuck with that i wouldn't care much about if it weren't for one thing.
I only got a chance to change the channel on tv ...
and she saw me grabbing my dick watching the president on tv. shite

as they say...shite state of affairs

One from the chat:

- Hello
- )
- Where's the eyes?
- :