The official Jokes thread Vol 1

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Ever wonder how the seven dwarfs got their names?

Miss Snow White was a randy cow,
And desperate for a fuck.
So off she went into the woods,
To try and get some luck!

She'd almost given up looking,
When she saw some chimney smoke.
Then stumbled on a cottage,
And went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
And she'd just removed her pants,
When seven Dwarfs came marching in,
With a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
And thought she was in heaven!
Originally after one good shag,
But now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My cunt now needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
She said "Oi-you'd better drop you prick!"

So down he went onto all fours,
And said "I ain't licking that!"
"Not there, that me ass-hole,
You DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL!
Unless you're fucking queer!"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
To prove he was no fool.
And Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho"
As she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'Cos he hadn't had a sniff.
And due to his impatience,
He couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY idiot",
So he did as he was told.
And as soon as he was hard enough,
He shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow
And she took him in quite easy.
But she just avoided brain-damage,
When he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarves left, she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner had he entered her,
Than he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY idiot"
She wanted more from him.
And he woke with such excitement,
That he filled her hairy qirm.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
And shagged her cunt raw.
And dazed Snow White then whimpered,
"That should be against the law!"

He made poor Snow White tremble,
He was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
With that fucking great big dick."

With one dwarf still remaining,
But feeling rather sore,
She said "You'll have to use your tongue,
My cunt can't take no more.!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
Where others had put their cocks.
And 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
She named the last one DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
With all that cum inside her quim,
So she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
And filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
And how they got their names,
By satisfying miss Snow White,
And joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
And that's what happened to that cup?
Well think of what you're drinking...
When you next buy 7-UP

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Little Johnny was playing in his room
when his dad walked in and explained
that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little
Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother
and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked,
"What does being in love mean?"

The father explained, "Let me give you
an example, son. Love is when a husband
rushes home from a long day at work to
embrace and kiss his wife at the door.
Your mom and I have lost that love..."

Then little Johnny said, "But Daddy,
I see Mommy getting excited lots of times
right when you come home, so she must
still be in love with you."

The father was rather confused with his son's
statement since he had personally never
experienced this as of late. "I don't understand,
son. When has your mother recently been
excited when I arrive home from work?"

Little Johnny replied, "Well, sometimes when
Mommy is still playing in bed with the neighbor,
and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at
the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home!
My husband's home!!'"

A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.

Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help
you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one
hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges
fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My
father charges only ten dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about
your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant!"

Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know
what my father charges for Elmer."

Your mothers so fat, she's on a light diet...as soon as it gets light out she starts eating.

A young lad has been working on a Youth Training Scheme at an undertaker's for about six months when the head undertaker decides it's time for him to step up.
"Young Jim," the undertaker says, "It's time you took responsibility for a corpse on your own."
"sure," Came the reply.
"Ok," continued the boss, "We have a young lady here, 21 years old, sudden death, not a mark on her. Just make her look pretty and come and find me if you find anything unusual."
The young lad thinks 'Piece of cake', and sets about his work.
About 90 minutes later the spotty youth goes up to the head undertaker and says, "I found something really odd on that body you gave me."
The boss asks "What have you found?"
The boy says, "Well, I found this prawn!"
The head undertaker looks at him quizzically.
"A prawn?" He asks.
"Yeah, a prawn, just at the top of her vagina," Replies the boy.
"That's not a prawn, it's called a clitoris!" The boss replies with obvious disdain.
"oh," Says the youth, "It tastes just like a prawn!"

It seems that a young man volunteered for military
service during World War II.

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was
sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping
recruit training.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the
best flier on the base. So they could do was give
him his gold wings and assign him immediately to
an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and
single-handedly shot down 6 enemy planes.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended,
circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing
on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged
over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir,
how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and
replied,

"You make only one velly, velly selious mistake!"

Two men were talking. "My son asked me what I did during the Sexual Revolution," said one.

I told him I was captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes

Getting tired of your spouse naggin that you never spend quality time with them?

Ole & Lena lived on a lake in Nordern Minneesoda. It was near the end of

winter, and spring was yust beginning.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across the frozen lake to the yeneral
store
to pick up some tobacco. She asked for some money, but he told her to
"Yust
put it on our tab".

So she valked across, got the tobacco & valked back. Then she asked Ole
"Vhy
didn't you send me with any money?".

Ole replied, "Vell, I vasn't going to send any money ven I vasn't sure
how
tik the fokin' ice vas."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

ones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Dog: "Why do they keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl?"

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think
I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over ... oh boy! Fish
flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it?
I already know whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for
dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am
lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy assholes ever really
*give* me a cracker? Fuck no!"

Cat: "Why are these people doing in my house?"

Dog: "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't even
think of messing with the fridge."

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! You're a brilliant one, Sparky. That's a
new one to me!"

Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."

Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem
unable to stop myself from looking for it."

Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food?"

Hamster: "Kill me now, this wheel is boring."

Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with
my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips scraping my ass."

Dog: "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever
hungry, I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard ..."

Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."

Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up. Another 'land on all fours off the
balcony' test again."

A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into
the seat next to him. Once in the air, the flight attendant comes around and
the man asks her for a cup of coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, "Bring me
a whiskey, bitch!"

The flight attendant, somewhat flustered, brings a whiskey to the parrot, but
forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to
her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, "Get me another
whiskey, bitch!"

Quite upset, the flight attendant returns shortly with a whiskey for the
parrot, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man
decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for coffee,
bitch, now go and get it for me!"

Within seconds, two burly stewards arrive, grab both the man and the parrot,
take them to the emergency exit and toss them both out of the airplane.

As they're falling toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says,
"You know, for someone who can't fly, you're kind of a mouthy bastard."

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?"