The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

A lady died and is being prepared to go under by Jake. Jake is dressing and cleaning her when he sees a problem and tells his boss.

He says, "Boss this ladys got a shrimp in her vagina."

"What? let me see". He looks and says, "you dumbass that's her clit."

Jake replies, "Oh, it tasted like shrimp."

Little Flab!!
One morning while making breakfast,
A man walked up to his wife,
Pinched her on the butt and said....
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable,
She kept silent.
The next morning,
The man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up,
We could get rid of your bra.'
This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his
'DANGLER.'
With a death grip in place,
She said...
'You know, If you firmed this up, we could get rid of
The gardener,
The postman,
The pool man and
your brother!'

An Oldie but a goodie

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

just found this place,haha (love the last one)

Talking Army Dog!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog forSale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the US Army Special Forces. You know the reputation of them Green Berets.'
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figure d a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Army (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's such a bullshitter. He never did any of that shit. He was in the Air Force'

Camilla Parkya Balls
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding to Charles, which, got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes ...................... My feet are killing me!'
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour,
but it would not budge.
'Harder!' yelled" Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling!
But it's just so bloody tight!'
'Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
'There! .Oh, God, that feels so good!'
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she had to still be a virgin!'
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!'
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

Gas Prices Rising!
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
Wait for it....wait for it..............
You're just gonna love this.....

(I see you smiling)

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
He can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES RUBBED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time -

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
[ Image ]
'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
He can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
[ Image ]
'RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES,
RUB MY NIPPLES!'
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
[ Image ]
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES RUBBED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

AWESOME!!!!!!!

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it..

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000 ?
The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.
Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask....
It's really very simple.. Like you!

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

The bank manager looks back at her and says,
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now , as I have to work in the morning.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration
“Thanks,” the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
“Little Partner,” the fire fighter says, “I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too I think you could go faster.
The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.”

Cost of a Perfect Woman!

How Adam Got Eve -- Priceless
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
And that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
And when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and
Passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

Of course the rest is history............!!!!

Learning To Swear!
A 7 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' said the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
to swear.' The 4 year old nodded his head in agreement.
The 7 year old said 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first,
then you swear after me, OK?'
'OK' the 4 year old agreed with enthusiasm.
Their mother walked into the kitchen and asked the 7 year old what he wanted for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! She hit him so hard that he flew out of his chair and across the
kitchen. He got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know,' he blubbered, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops.'

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Learning To Swear!
A 7 year old and a 4 year old were upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' said the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
to swear.' The 4 year old nodded his head in agreement.
The 7 year old said 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first,
then you swear after me, OK?'
'OK' the 4 year old agreed with enthusiasm.
Their mother walked into the kitchen and asked the 7 year old what he wanted for breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! She hit him so hard that he flew out of his chair and across the
kitchen. He got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
I don't know,' he blubbered, 'but it won't be fucking Coco Pops.'

First Aid:

Birds of a Feather:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle,
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry
says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the
shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the
top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the
1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on
each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry
falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal,
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard
box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...
And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

Federal Budget: MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The Federal Government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.
If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China,
If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan,
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,
If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.
The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.
Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
( Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

What Is?

What is 2 1/2 inches long and can satisfy a woman EVERY TIME.

Works for her!!!

Pickup Line!

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean... it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer,too. What firm are you with?'

Peeping Tom:
This girl I know lives on the 4th floor of an apartment, and even though it is a fairly good neighborhood, she has been having trouble with a Peeping Tom that lives next door...
Every time she goes out on her balcony to catch a bit of sun while wearing her bikini, this Peeping Tom looks over from his balcony as soon as she removes her top, and stares at her...
She has complained to the superintendent about this Peeping Tom, but he says she must have positive proof before he can do a thing --
She FINALLY got a picture of him while he was staring at her...






SMILE...... it's catching!

And you thought this was a dirty one - shame on you!

Good Irish/Catholic Humor:
Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'