Score: 4.69 Votes: 13
rate this

The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Starter: DEMO Posted: 17 years ago Views: 21.6K
  • Goto:
#3619428
Lvl 13
Quote:
Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Good Irish/Catholic Humor:
Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


This one was good enough I emailed it to friends and family.
#3619429
Lvl 30
::: BREAKING NEWS :::
In 2009 the government will start killing all the mentally ill people.
I started crying when I thought of you.
Run my friend, run!

#3619430
Lvl 30
Devilsh Humour:
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't", said the man.
"Don't you realize that I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute." returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying agony for all Eternity?" persisted Satan. "yep", was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope" said the man.
More than a little perturbed Satan asked, "Well why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."
#3619431
Lvl 30
A Fairy Tale

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first .

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half..

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



Scroll down






The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
#3619432
Lvl 30
Men's Perspective:
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
#3619433
A parking inspector approached a young man who'd just parked

his car and snapped,"You can't leave your car there mate.

That's a disabled parking space."

"But I'm disabled," said the fella.

"Really? Is that right?" sneered the warden.

"What with?"

"Tourette Syndrome, you cunt!" replied the man.

"Now Fuck Off!"
#3619434
Lvl 13
Quote:
Originally posted by cooper.

A parking inspector approached a young man who'd just parked

his car and snapped,"You can't leave your car there mate.

That's a disabled parking space."

"But I'm disabled," said the fella.

"Really? Is that right?" sneered the warden.

"What with?"

"Tourette Syndrome, you cunt!" replied the man.

"Now Fuck Off!"



I'm going to try this the next time I get shit for using a handicapped space "with just a cane" and someone gives me shit because I'm still young.
#3619435
Lvl 27
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY
GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT
YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE
PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL
PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER
YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT
TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF
IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE
GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
#3619436
Lvl 7
Quote:
Originally posted by Demonicmale

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY
GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT
YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE
PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL
PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER
YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF
LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT
TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF
IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE
GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



holy shit lmao...put me in freakin tears
#3619437
Lvl 27
Quote:
Originally posted by T/S

...


holy shit lmao...put me in freakin tears


My work is done here then for the evening
#3619438
Lvl 27
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect', her husband said.
'I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.
nok_nok finds this awesome.
#3619439
Lvl 30
The Water Bowl

This explains why I forward jokes to you.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book..
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Soooo.
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
#3619440
Lvl 30
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.


Now, send these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.
#3619441
Lvl 6
guys walking in a grave yard and spotts a guy bent down behind a grave stone
"mornin" said the first guy to the second, the second guy replied
"no im taking a shit"
#3619442
Lvl 30
Today is International Weird-Ass People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a weird-ass friend.. Just as I've done.

I don't care if you lick windows, sniff toilet seats or occasionally shit yourself..

You hang in there Sunshine, you're frigging special.
#3619443
Lvl 30
An American tourist goes on a trip to China.
While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom.
A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor.
Days later the doctor calls and says, 'I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.'
'What can you do?' asks the man. 'My American doctor wants to amputate!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, 'Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'
'Oh, thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes!' says the Chinese doctor. 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!'
* This post has been modified : 16 years ago
#3619444
Lvl 30
Apple Announcement:
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699 , depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
#3619445
Lvl 30
Just received this warning via e-mail and felt I had to pass it on to you.
You have been warned
If you receive an email entitled:
'Bedtimes'
'Delete it IMMEDIATELY'
Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on
your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of
your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your
ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your
phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING? ?
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table
when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the
'Bedtimes' message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the
toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
***WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you,
sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you - you're on the computer
#3619446
Lvl 30
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.





This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
#3619447
Lvl 30
5 Surgeons: An Oldie, but still great!
So True
At dinner, five surgeons were discussing the relevance of occupations in deciding which patients were easiest to operate on:
The first surgeon, from Manchester , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered'
The second, from Birmingham , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'
The third surgeon, from Edinburgh says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from London, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Dublin, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.
nok_nok finds this awesome.
  • Goto: