^^ I ty u. 
- Goto:
- Go
[Deleted] 16 years ago
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wisconsin."
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,
"My wife is from Wisconsin."
mistr@l 16 years ago
Le Parfumerie y le Blonde
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
DEMO 16 years ago
A Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the
Pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
nok_nok finds this awesome.
DEMO 16 years ago
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch with $600, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch with $600, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.
nok_nok finds this awesome.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Being Old:
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?
DEMO 16 years ago
Together 50 years
A man and his wife were celebrating together 50 years !
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in
their honor.
'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ... 'Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you
know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'
'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is
that we're all together today.'
Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I
just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you.'
'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'
Just then the daughter arrived, hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything.'
After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were
very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other
very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'
'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'
A man and his wife were celebrating together 50 years !
Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in
their honor.
'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ... 'Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you
know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'
'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is
that we're all together today.'
Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I
just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to
shop for you.'
'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'
Just then the daughter arrived, hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry,
but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I
didn't have time to get you anything.'
After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were
very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other
very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'
'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'
DEMO 16 years ago
Yeah Beer
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old
DEMO 16 years ago
Honda is Gay.
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Honda, I'm not going to beat around
The bush. You have AIDS.'
Honda is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched
in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All
Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
Honda asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
What your arse is for.
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Honda, I'm not going to beat around
The bush. You have AIDS.'
Honda is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched
in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All
Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
Honda asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
What your arse is for.
nok_nok finds this awesome.
homer385 16 years ago
F-uckin" brilliant!! Syd.Quote:
Originally posted by SydneySinbad
Brilliant South Indian in USA!
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said,
'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher ,
'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses
testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.'
Honda_X 16 years ago
Quote:
Originally posted by Demonicmale
Honda is Gay.
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Honda, I'm not going to beat around
The bush. You have AIDS.'
Honda is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?
Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched
in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All
Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
Honda asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
What your arse is for.
Replace "Honda" with "Demo" and you've got a true story there..jerk.
[Deleted] 16 years ago
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts , only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grand kids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes.
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the 'S'
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle states
Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes.... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum
Texas
Se Habla Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared..
Home of Brokeback Mountain
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place
Alabama
Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut
Like Massachusetts , only smaller.
Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida
Ask Us About Our Grand kids
And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes.
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the 'S'
Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas
First Of The Rectangle states
Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt
Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota
10,000 Lakes.... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes
Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections
Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada
Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!
South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum
Texas
Se Habla Ingles
Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!
Wyoming
Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared..
Home of Brokeback Mountain
The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place
[Deleted] 16 years ago
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one Level Cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one Level Cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas
Notech_The_Abbot 16 years ago
Quote:
Originally posted by ev1l0ne
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama
Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.
Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.
California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Giving Up Wine!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner?
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting?'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine?'
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner?
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting?'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine?'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Quotes:
Some good stuff here.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope
I never drink water because fish fuck in it.- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
Some good stuff here.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.- Bob Hope
I never drink water because fish fuck in it.- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
ATLANTA AIRPORT
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.'
Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.'
Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.'
Pause...
Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC'
Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'
Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE !
Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us --
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.'
Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.'
Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.'
Pause...
Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC'
Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'
Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS.
WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE !
Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us --
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- Goto:
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