The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

It's An Ill Wind:
The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

An Oldie but still worth a laugh!



Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'




Happy Mental Health Day!

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS




One day God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have some Commandments for you
that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some
Commandments.'

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not
interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have some Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have some commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have some Commandments .'

'Commandments?'
They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

The Perfect Husband!
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
MAN: 'Yes'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
WOMAN: '$90,000
MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50
thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks: 'Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

An Oldie but still worth a laugh:



WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:

Definitely not!



WIFE:

Why not - don't you like being married?



HUSBAND:

Of course I do.



WIFE:

Then why wouldn't you remarry?



HUSBAND:

Okay, I'd get married again.



WIFE:

You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).



HUSBAND:

(Makes audible groan).



WIFE:

Would you live in our house?



HUSBAND:

Sure, it's a great house.



WIFE:

Would you sleep with her in our bed?



HUSBAND:

Where else would we sleep?



WIFE:

Would you let her drive my car?



HUSBAND:

Probably, it is almost new.



WIFE:

Would you replace my pictures with hers?



HUSBAND:

That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WIFE:

Would she use my golf clubs?



HUSBAND:

No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:
- silence - -



HUSBAND:
Shit....

Trapped like a rat

When You Should NOT Hyphenate Your Married Name

so there i was naked with lube on my knob, my stegosaurus glove puppet on one hand, t-rex glove puppet on the other hand and a big box of tissues next to me.
How stupid did i feel when the programme came on and it was called WALKING with dinosaurs

My Kind of Pilot:
Aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military)
a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
A pilot overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz
while flying from Europe to Dubai . Read below....


The conversation...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

U.S. Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up. I'll wait!'

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (no response ... )

Women's Carpark!


And this is only the ground floor.









With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots...especially during evening hours...the Edinburgh City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Tesco shopping centre.

Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.
This is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Edinburgh !

I just heard this one:
Since Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into Legos so that little boys can still play with him...
No disrespect; just passing on what I heard...

Jury Duty: (Open With Adobe Reader 9.1)

Apparently he had something else to do that day...
Funny how it didn't work for me, when I try this sort of tactic..............!!!

Turns out M J didn't die from a heart attack ! It was food poisoning......

































12 yearold nutz

Seventy-Five Fireworks You Don't Want To Be Messing With....

- Golden Showers
- No Fuse!
- MTV's Jackass Starter Set
- Run Kitty! (Banned In USA)
- Charlton Heston's Peacekeeper
- Florescent Bulb Blasters
- Spirit of Seventy Bics (Recording of Free Bird Included)
- Devil's Eyewash
- Simpering Widow
- Flying Digits
- Exhaust Pipe Lotus
- Lucky Bastard
- Stink Snakes
- Mob Family Reunion
- Dazzling Super Concussion Grenade
- Dixie Lawn Cross
- Yankee Doodle Debris
- Billie Holiday's "Cigarette Oxygen Tent" (heroin not Included)
- Don't Put This In Your Mouth - Wink Wink!
- Blistering Flesh Flowers
- Dante's Suppositories
- Asthma Aggravators
- Smoldering Monkey Fur
- Forearm-egeddon!
- Star Spangled Seizure
- Mr. Toad's Meth House
- Vehicular Flambé
- Slumlord Water Heater Fireball
- God's Will
- Flaming Cardboard From Heaven
- Look, Ma! No Thumbs!
- Magma Facial
- Pothole Poppers
- Rain Of Frightened Birds
- Baby Bottle Rockets
- Tony Robbins' Empowering Inferno
- Pepper Spray Spritzers
- Nuclear Winter Wonderland
- Fun Fire Tire
- Shrieking Hobo
- Mutually Assured Destruction (small and large)
- Orange Safety Cone Road Volcano
- Piccolo Pipe Bomb
- Flagtastic Tee-Pee Torch
- Wannabe Weekend Warrior
- Junior Terrorist
- sixty Eardrum Splitters
- seven hundred Gutter Busting Curb Cloggers
- six Philadelphia Blunts
- Uncle Sam's Inflamed Rectum
- Mustard Tears
- Pissed-Off Neighbor
- Magic Rotten Smell
- Rug Burners
- Shirtless Bystander Barrage
- Intergalactic Race Riot
- Ultimate Pyro Plum Thunder Hen Jamboree
- Spy Plane Apology
- White Trash Block Party
- Bedridden All Summer Long
- Capital Funishment
- Stack-O-Old-Newspapers
- Defective Stunt Squibs (banned in Hollywood)
- Doggie Bladder Tester
- Couch-On-Fire, Hidden Dragon
- thirty Knuckle Spreaders
- Musical Lawn Chairs
- Spyro-Gyra-Technics
- twenty Homeroom Raiders
- Sweatshop Fiasco
- Incontinent Panda Mystery Geyser
- Bacon Fat in a Coffee Can
- Big Noisy Ninja
- Apocalypse Now - Potato Salad Later
- fifty Oily Rags
- Garbage Man's Nightmare

It's Owen's first day in the car pool.
They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out.

He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the
sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowlng at him.

He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses
her on the pussy, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Ronny, the driver,
can't stand it.

Ronny asks, "Owen, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her
pussy?"

Owen says, "Because you wouldn't believe how bad her fuckin breath
is in the morning!"

Ty for the ups, TK.

I once had a girlfriend that was so skinny, every time her nipples got
hard she would tip over.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

South Dakota passed the most restrictive
abortion law in the country. It includes the
requirement that pregnant wives notify both their
husband AND the baby's father.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**


Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?

A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing
weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet
disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers,
they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they
set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance
agent. Ask about our term-life package."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Boss to employee seated across the desk from him: "Technically, we're
not firing you. We're just moving you to an exit-level position."

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

There but for the grace of God, etc., etc.!!!

And, Speaking of Senior Moments:

'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday ... The
Sunday
paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed
by a
Ray of recognition.

... As she was heard to mutter 'Well, shit ... So
that's why no one was at church today

**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**

Skill Test:

This will drive you nuts!! Have fun!

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!

http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html << click here

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

[ Link ] << click here

have a version thats downloadable or has a more direct source so doesnt lag so bad? i can run 512mb required vid card games online while downloading, chatting, browsing, and listening to music with no lag but this tiny little html web game LAGS.

^ that being said (sorry for double posting you guys are slow! -.-)

i did better than the 18 second thing. but it lags so bad its like... ugh