The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Think you have lived to be 75 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to the shithouse ..



An old stockman sat down in a city MacDonald's and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the stockman and asked, 'Are you a real stockman?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking-in horse, droving cattle, riding in rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, marking and branding calves, cleaning hay sheds, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so, yeah, I guess I am a stockman.'

She said, well I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old stockman and asked, 'Are you a real stockman, like, from the outback?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

that's a great one Syd !

Aliens Humour:


Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near an old petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.

Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way!

Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!

I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.

"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his

Crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

Even better

Thanks Syd !

On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first tee
at his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young
woman in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.

"You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten
damn stinking bastard!"

"What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly replied. "I distinctly told
you only if it rained."

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a
beautiful young blonde woman passes them. She's 5'10",
120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines. The
first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless
whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was
a Lesbian!!"

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since
the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in
the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what
he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The
next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So,
he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before.
He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over
to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker
replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

katje , Thanks

great jokes make my day easier, and yours are great ROFLingMAO

Quote:

Originally posted by notech

katje , Thanks

great jokes make my day easier, and yours are great ROFLingMAO

You're welcome. i love the jokes and funny pictures too.

I put this in the wrong joke thread before. I did not realize there were two.






Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden to eat meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.. and as the priest sprinkled
holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he
rushed into Bubba's yard,
clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz
raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

THE FISHIN' TRIP!!!

Phil and his buddies were hanging out, and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them, that he couldn't go this time, because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing, and name calling, Phil headed home frustrated.

The following week when Phil's buddies, arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Phil.

He was already sitting, at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Phil?"

"I didn't have to," Phil replied.

Yesterday when I left work , I went home and slumped down in my chair, with a beer to drown my sorrows, because I couldn't go fishing.

Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me, and covered my eyes and said, Surprise!!"

"When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful, see through negligee and she said, Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want!!"

"So, Here I am!"

My sides hurt!

Cant beat this!
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered

'Knicker Stitcher '. I sew da elastic onto ladies 'knickers and thongs'.
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and

Finding it classified as unskilled labour he gave him 80 pounds unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied 'Diel Fitter '.

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job the clerk gave Mick 160 pounds a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.

He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. I sew da elastic on da knickers and tho then Mick puts 'em over his head and says:

'Yep, diesel fitter'

3 Men in a pub- Scotsman,an Englishman and an Irishman:



'Y'know said the Scotsman,I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there´s a little bar called McTavish´s.



Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals,so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy

the fifth drink for you.



Well,said the Englishman,"at my local,The Red Lion,the barman there will buy your third drink after you buy

the first two"



"Ahhhhh,thats nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin theres Ryans Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the

place they´ll buy you a drink,then another,and another again,all the drinks you like. Then when you have had enough

drinks they will take you upstairs and see that you get laid, All on the house"



The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishmans claims. But he swears that everyword is true.



"Well" asked the Englishman,"did this actually happen to you?"



"Not me meself,personally,no" said the Irishman....." But it did happen to my sister"............

69

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.
As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked “ So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?”

Brian exasperated asked “ How did you know? Does my breath still smell like fanny?”

The Dentist replied “ No…you have a skidmark on your forehead………..”

Three Men in a Pub is Hilarious

Confession





Bless me father for I have sinned...

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a
bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy
and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

^^^ I did an Erkel snort !!!

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Thanks Syd