What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full...
Full...
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ThreadKiller 15 years ago
Dumb People...
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much, bot leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
He has less going on upstairs than a one story house.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
A few bricks shy of a full load.
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
Happy Halloween!
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway. And Always Remember to Ask for your Senior Discount!
You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.
No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway. And Always Remember to Ask for your Senior Discount!
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the
stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to
complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and
registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and
don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out
of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock
cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the
stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to
complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and
registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and
don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out
of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
$2.99 Special!
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with
seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and
if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be..
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked
incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home
and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with
seniors this should help you understand them a little better, and
if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be..
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents
because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked
incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home
and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
ThreadKiller 15 years ago
A couple was married for 20 years, and
every time they had sex the husband always
insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
stupid.
She figured she would break him out of the
crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle
of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked
down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.
She gets all upset. "You impotent bastard," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says, calmly... " 'll explain the dildo if you explain
the kids."
every time they had sex the husband always
insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
stupid.
She figured she would break him out of the
crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle
of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked
down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.
She gets all upset. "You impotent bastard," she
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
says, calmly... " 'll explain the dildo if you explain
the kids."
ThreadKiller 15 years ago
Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
Drugs are for people who can't handle reality.
~~~~
Make a noise like a frog
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on
your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she
says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like
a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa
can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please
please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart,
why do you want me to make a sound like a
frog?"
The little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said
that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
~~~
Consciousness: that annoying time
between naps.
~~~~
Who ate the cookies ?
"Peter!" his mother scolded "There were two
cookies in the pantry this morning but now
there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"
Peter replied "It must have been too dark and
I didn't see the other one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Drugs are for people who can't handle reality.
~~~~
Make a noise like a frog
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on
your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she
says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like
a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa
can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please
please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart,
why do you want me to make a sound like a
frog?"
The little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said
that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
~~~
Consciousness: that annoying time
between naps.
~~~~
Who ate the cookies ?
"Peter!" his mother scolded "There were two
cookies in the pantry this morning but now
there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"
Peter replied "It must have been too dark and
I didn't see the other one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
A True Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?'
The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end.
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
The Royal Fart
Late breaking news from London, scene of President Obama's recent visit:
Barak and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is atrocious, and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.
The Queen turns to Obama, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets . . . I am sure you understand, there are some things that even a Queen cannot control'.
Obama, in best Presidential style replies: 'Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought . . . until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses'.
Late breaking news from London, scene of President Obama's recent visit:
Barak and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire.
The smell is atrocious, and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.
The Queen turns to Obama, 'Mr. President, please accept my regrets . . . I am sure you understand, there are some things that even a Queen cannot control'.
Obama, in best Presidential style replies: 'Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought . . . until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses'.
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan
Several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms.. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): Behind every Man is a Smart Woman!
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan
Several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms.. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,
'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): Behind every Man is a Smart Woman!
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
An oldie, but still worth a laugh. Enjoy!
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All +*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The +*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian goofs!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your +*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you *%^ing wierdos can kiss my ***. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All +*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The +*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian goofs!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your +*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you *%^ing wierdos can kiss my ***. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
ThreadKiller 15 years ago
25 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU A REAL MAN.....
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it
to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting
and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of
other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint
with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even
an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?"
Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for
you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't
mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pssed. However,
the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to
the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look
with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we
can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting
on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are
you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A Cunt - and punching him on the shoulder.
Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while
you were in hospital".
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it
to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart
Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it
here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting
and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of
other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint
with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even
an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical
evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?"
Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for
you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in
line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can
safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch
that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't
mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pssed. However,
the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to
the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations,
you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look
with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher
do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we
can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting
on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you
didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage"
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are
you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's
right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A Cunt - and punching him on the shoulder.
Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while
you were in hospital".
ThreadKiller 15 years ago
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat
things. 1st little boy says, "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big
word". 2nd boy says, "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word".
Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss". After nearly falling off her chair,
she says, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my
sister has one and she says it eats batteries!"
things. 1st little boy says, "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big
word". 2nd boy says, "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word".
Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss". After nearly falling off her chair,
she says, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my
sister has one and she says it eats batteries!"
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
A blond went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blond promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blond did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... go ahead then."
The blond slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
tentatively said ...."Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blond promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blond did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... go ahead then."
The blond slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....
tentatively said ...."Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
Coyote Population
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!
Check out following photo:
The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem.
Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!
Check out following photo:
- Goto:
- Go
