Quote:
Originally posted by jenngurl23
^ that being said (sorry for double posting you guys are slow! -.-)
i did better than the 18 second thing. but it lags so bad its like... ugh
Cheater.
- Goto:
- Go
Bangledesh 16 years ago
Cheater.
jenngurl23 16 years ago
it's okay to be jealous you can't make it past what? 3 - 6 seconds? just like in the bedroom. :P
ThreadKiller 16 years ago
THE "PREDICTED" TOP TEN MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS
10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running
up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an
apparent suicide
4) Madonna - Exposure
3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient
postage"
2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
10) Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running
up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra - Killed by Strangers in the Night
6) RuPaul - Prostate Cancer
5) O.J. Simpson - Murdered by the "real Killer" in an
apparent suicide
4) Madonna - Exposure
3) Unabomber - Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient
postage"
2) Al Gore - Dutch Elm Disease
1) Bill Gates - Falls out of a Window
ThreadKiller 16 years ago
A gay guy walks into the grocery store and heads back towards
the meat department. After a few moments of looking at the
merchandise, the butcher asks him if he would like to place an
order.
The gay guy says yes, and promptly orders 5 pounds of salami.
The butcher asks, "Would you would like that sliced?"
The gay guy gives him a funny look and replies, "Do you think my
asshole look like a piggybank?"
the meat department. After a few moments of looking at the
merchandise, the butcher asks him if he would like to place an
order.
The gay guy says yes, and promptly orders 5 pounds of salami.
The butcher asks, "Would you would like that sliced?"
The gay guy gives him a funny look and replies, "Do you think my
asshole look like a piggybank?"
ThreadKiller 16 years ago
A guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his
buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept guy, "I know you always satisfy your women.
How do you do it?"
"Oh, That's no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in
them real slow, and then pull it out from them real fast. Keep doing
that and they come every time."
The guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.
He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just
like his buddy said.
After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do you notice anything
different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your buddy at work."
buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept guy, "I know you always satisfy your women.
How do you do it?"
"Oh, That's no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it in
them real slow, and then pull it out from them real fast. Keep doing
that and they come every time."
The guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.
He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just
like his buddy said.
After a while he asked his wife, "Honey, do you notice anything
different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your buddy at work."
ThreadKiller 16 years ago
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around
the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here -
This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE
sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say
'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'
.
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's
response refer to # 3.
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they
are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an
hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been
given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around
the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means
something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back
to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a
women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here -
This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE
sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say
'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever'
(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F**K YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later
result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's
response refer to # 3.
ThreadKiller 16 years ago
MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING
Kissing/Light Petting What he hopes you're thinking:
"Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What
he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE
of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of
that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at
the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he
cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're
splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here),
yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for
this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name
here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an
earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
Kissing/Light Petting What he hopes you're thinking:
"Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What
he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE
of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of
that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at
the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he
cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're
splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here),
yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for
this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name
here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an
earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
dbnydnvn 16 years ago
This guy walks into a bar. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, then from his other pocket he pulls out a man that's only about a foot tall. The little man plays the piano, and very well.
The bartender goes up to the first man and says "Wow, that's amazing! Where did you find that?" and the first man pulls a magic lamp out of his pocket and says "Here, make a wish."
The bartender rubs the lamp and says "I wish I had a million bucks!" and all of a sudden, POOF! The bar is filled with ducks.
The bartender says "I said bucks, not ducks! Is this genie deaf or something?"
The first guy says "Do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
The bartender goes up to the first man and says "Wow, that's amazing! Where did you find that?" and the first man pulls a magic lamp out of his pocket and says "Here, make a wish."
The bartender rubs the lamp and says "I wish I had a million bucks!" and all of a sudden, POOF! The bar is filled with ducks.
The bartender says "I said bucks, not ducks! Is this genie deaf or something?"
The first guy says "Do you think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"
digger44 16 years ago
two little old ladys were sitting at a bus stop...one took out a cigarette and noticed it was about to rain..so she pulled a condom out of her purse ..rolled it on the cigarette..cut off the end and rolled it back a little and lit it...the other little old lady saw this and said thats a great idea ..what is that and where do you buy those..the old lady replied there condoms and you buy them at the drug store...so the next time she was out shopping she remembered to stop at the drug store ..there she ask the pharmacist for a box of condoms...the pharmacist looked at her in suprise cause she look about 80 years old..smiled and asked what size do you need darlin..she thought for a moment and said...have you got something that would fit a CAMEL
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Happy Missus:
Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client outside of the Bourke Court, an aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear.
She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm & a slab of VB under the other.
"G'day Mary," says Col, "What are you looking so happy about today ?"
"Just been to da fambly court Col and look, I got half the house and half the contents !!"
Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client outside of the Bourke Court, an aboriginal lady who was beaming from ear to ear.
She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm & a slab of VB under the other.
"G'day Mary," says Col, "What are you looking so happy about today ?"
"Just been to da fambly court Col and look, I got half the house and half the contents !!"
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Sheila got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"
She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)."
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."
"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"
"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive"
ThreadKiller 16 years ago
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,
"No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,
"No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a moment and the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
It's Tough Getting Old
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says,
"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says,
"I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks,
"What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
London Beggars:
Parvinder and Habib are London beggars.
They beg in different areas of the West End .
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.
Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'
Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign......
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
Parvinder and Habib are London beggars.
They beg in different areas of the West End .
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects 2 to 3 pounds every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'.
Parvinder says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'
Parvinder says ' No wonder you only get £2-3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign......
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus...
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this
man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud..
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favourite cow, Bessie'..
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was
driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fuck would you have said?'
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus...
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this
man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud..
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say
about his favourite cow, Bessie'..
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was
driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fuck would you have said?'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
What Happens if you Order a Bacardi Breezer in Outback Australia
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Irish Sausages:
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
SydneySinbad 15 years ago
Jacob & Rebecca:
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in a retirement home in Florida, were excited about their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they passed a drugstore. Jacob suggested they go in for a look around.
Jacob addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for blood circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety... the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers for incontinence?"
Pharmacist: "Yes of course"
Jacob: "Then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in a retirement home in Florida, were excited about their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they passed a drugstore. Jacob suggested they go in for a look around.
Jacob addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for blood circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety... the works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers for incontinence?"
Pharmacist: "Yes of course"
Jacob: "Then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
- Goto:
- Go
