- Goto:
- Go
[Deleted] 16 years ago
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got
fired.'
'No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Madonna snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
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17 year old Julie goes to her dad and asks him "Dad, can I go to the dance tonight?".
Her dad answers, "You know you're grounded, so why even ask?"
But Julie really wants to go, so she says "Dad, if you'll let me go just this once, I'll give you a blowjob!"
Dad isn't stupid, so he says "Sure, just this once."
Julie gets down on her knees and pulls his dick out. She starts sucking away, and after a few seconds makes a face and tells her dad "This dick tastes like shit!"
Dad says "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the dance, too."
his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at
once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to
put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got
fired.'
'No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife
says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Madonna snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
17 year old Julie goes to her dad and asks him "Dad, can I go to the dance tonight?".
Her dad answers, "You know you're grounded, so why even ask?"
But Julie really wants to go, so she says "Dad, if you'll let me go just this once, I'll give you a blowjob!"
Dad isn't stupid, so he says "Sure, just this once."
Julie gets down on her knees and pulls his dick out. She starts sucking away, and after a few seconds makes a face and tells her dad "This dick tastes like shit!"
Dad says "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the dance, too."
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
Men Strike Back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me...."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
AND MAXINE SAYS.......... ..'MARVIN'...
Maxine just had to have the last word...lol!!
Men Strike Back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me...."
----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
AND MAXINE SAYS.......... ..'MARVIN'...
Maxine just had to have the last word...lol!!
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Squirrels:
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Keep going....
For all who appreciate the outdoors.... the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Keep going....
For all who appreciate the outdoors.... the rarely photographed South Florida Squirrel.
* This post has been modified
: 16 years ago
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
An Oldie, but I still get a laugh!
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A Rugby Moment:
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.
5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,'
She continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her.
'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her Pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it.
I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match And........ '
Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, And she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?'
"I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.
5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,'
She continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her.
'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her Pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it.
I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match And........ '
Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, And she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass: Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?'
"I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Woodpeckers:
Two Woodpeckers.......... A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Two Woodpeckers.......... A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Notech_The_Abbot 16 years ago
here is one my dad taught me...
woodpecker,woodpecker,peckin' on a tree....
pecked and he pecked 'till his pecker got sore !
mistr@l 16 years ago
Perfect Breast - How Much……
Once in awhile you come across a joke that really makes you smile and laugh and want to run right out and tell a friend or if you are tired EMAIL a Friend-Hey I bet you will find out that this fits in that category Perfectly. Well, while we are talking about things being Perfect -Lets see what happens when a guy comes across a beautiful female with Perfect Breast!
Have you heard the one about a guy who spotted a girl out in the street with thee Perfect Breasts?
He runs up to her and asks
Sorry but I couldn’t help noticing your Perfect
Breasts - would you let me bite them for a hundred
dollars?
She says- F**K Off !
How about a thousand?
No way, I’m not a whore!
How about Ten Thousand?!
The woman thought for a while, after all
that was a helluva lot of money
Well Ok, but not here
So they walk into a dark alley, she takes
her top off and shows the most beautiful Perfect Breasts
in the world.
The guy starts fondling and caressing them, caressing and fondling them, sucking
and kissing on the nipples,
The girl starts to get impatient
He continues with squeezing and more caressing and kissing
After a while the girl is has gotten totally impatient.
Finally she yells out -Are You Going To F**King Bite Them Or Not?!?!
The Guy Looks up and smiles and says
Naaaa, Ten Thousand is a little too expensive for me!!
Once in awhile you come across a joke that really makes you smile and laugh and want to run right out and tell a friend or if you are tired EMAIL a Friend-Hey I bet you will find out that this fits in that category Perfectly. Well, while we are talking about things being Perfect -Lets see what happens when a guy comes across a beautiful female with Perfect Breast!
Have you heard the one about a guy who spotted a girl out in the street with thee Perfect Breasts?
He runs up to her and asks
Sorry but I couldn’t help noticing your Perfect
Breasts - would you let me bite them for a hundred
dollars?
She says- F**K Off !
How about a thousand?
No way, I’m not a whore!
How about Ten Thousand?!
The woman thought for a while, after all
that was a helluva lot of money
Well Ok, but not here
So they walk into a dark alley, she takes
her top off and shows the most beautiful Perfect Breasts
in the world.
The guy starts fondling and caressing them, caressing and fondling them, sucking
and kissing on the nipples,
The girl starts to get impatient
He continues with squeezing and more caressing and kissing
After a while the girl is has gotten totally impatient.
Finally she yells out -Are You Going To F**King Bite Them Or Not?!?!
The Guy Looks up and smiles and says
Naaaa, Ten Thousand is a little too expensive for me!!
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
The Newly Weds:
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at
the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy
face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
Chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie pie?..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD!
DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED NOW, AND
YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
And, they lived happily ever after. Now isn't that a sweet story?
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at
the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy
face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that
are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:
Chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie pie?..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD!
DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED NOW, AND
YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
And, they lived happily ever after. Now isn't that a sweet story?
rimmer1966 16 years ago
Some quotes from famous people:
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the latin word meaning to rip out a mans' genitals through his wallet!" - Robin Williams.
"Having sex is like playing Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!" - Woody Allen.
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night!" - Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope!" - George Burns
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch!" - Jack Nicholson.
"Clinton lied. A man might forget wher he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it was!" - Barbara Bush (honest to God it was her..who would have thought it)
"Women need a reason tohave sex, men just need a place" - Billy Crystal.
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than women. They say it is because women are more judgemental, whereas men are just grateful!" - Robert De Niro.
"See the problem is God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time!" - Robin Williams.
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the latin word meaning to rip out a mans' genitals through his wallet!" - Robin Williams.
"Having sex is like playing Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand!" - Woody Allen.
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night!" - Rodney Dangerfield.
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope!" - George Burns
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch!" - Jack Nicholson.
"Clinton lied. A man might forget wher he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it was!" - Barbara Bush (honest to God it was her..who would have thought it)
"Women need a reason tohave sex, men just need a place" - Billy Crystal.
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than women. They say it is because women are more judgemental, whereas men are just grateful!" - Robert De Niro.
"See the problem is God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time!" - Robin Williams.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Monks:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
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The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
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The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
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That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
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The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
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The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
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The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
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The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
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The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
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The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
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The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
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The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
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Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
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The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
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Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
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The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
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. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
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The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
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The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
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The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
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That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
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The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
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The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
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The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
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The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
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The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
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The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
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The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
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The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
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Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
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The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
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>...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
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Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
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The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
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. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Notech_The_Abbot 16 years ago
How Do You Keep a Jackass In Suspense.............
I'll tell ya tomorrow Syd.....
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I
will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?'
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.
'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next?'
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.
'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.' 'How about you, Paddy ?'
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London....'.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused
for breath and Paddy added:
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I
will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?'
The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.
'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next?'
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.
'That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.' 'How about you, Paddy ?'
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out ' London....'.
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused
for breath and Paddy added:
'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
KidsAreQuick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
SydneySinbad 16 years ago
Document!
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite Blondie-haired woman walks by, and the man immediately
gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me? The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the Hairy man, "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite Blondie-haired woman walks by, and the man immediately
gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me? The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the Hairy man, "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."
But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection
once a month. I fart 15 times a day."
- Goto:
- Go
