The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

Subject: : EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Thank you for your attention.
PS: ... and it's no longer London weather. It is now Muslim weather Sometimes Sunni but mostly Shiite ~ ~ ~

New Words for 2008

* SALAD DODGER.
An overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* SINBAD. (Perhaps named after me?)
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

LONELY HEARTS ADS, WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN

ADVENTUROUS - Likes anal

ATHLETIC - no tits

30 SOMETHING - 41

FUN - Annoying

WILD - Gets pissed easily

BEAUTIFUL EYES - Face like a robber's dog

SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR - Ex-Husband is a fucking nutter

NEW-AGE - Hairy with a smelly fanny

HEADSTRONG - Argumentative

ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING - Alcoholic

CURVY - Fat Cunt

CUDDLY - Fat Cunt

LIKES EATING OUT - Lazy fat cunt

Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: 'No , no,no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge!However, may I ask for a small favor ? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business ! Would you consider a partnership ?'

'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.'

'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein. 'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, a new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two
large
plastic garbage bags behind her.? One of the bags rips, and
every
once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and say s,
'Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back,
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How
did you get all that
money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see,
my back yard is right
next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a
lot of fans
come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I
stand
behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy
sticks
his pecker through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it
comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop.
'OK.? Good luck! Oh,
by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady,
'not everybody pays.'

Blonde Education Department

The blondes at the university led by Suzy, were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

Nice.

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1
2
3
4
5
6
7

8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26

27

28
29

30
Finished?
Scroll down .....................

GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !

It takes so little to amuse old people.

lmao,tnx everyone!!

How women get what they want

Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?



How to ask a man to do somenthing

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".



The right and wrong way to ask a man

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".

For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?

Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

This is incredible!
Power Point Slides.

An old Army General and wife were sitting, watching TV when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said "Of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop.

My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.'



Moral of this story? .


Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!

Re-Union: (Sorry about the SHOUTING, but that is how it came to me..)
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!' WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GREY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

We'll have 'nun' of that!
A Soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under
Your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
Said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq
..."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a
Great pair of balls
....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

My kind of Guru:

tnx, words to live by!!

One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from
Across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in
And meet with President Barack Obama.'

The Marine replied, 'Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't
Reside here.'

The old man said, 'Okay,' and walked away. The following day, the same
Man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would
Like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama'.

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is
Not President and doesn't reside here.' The man thanked him and again
Walked away.

The third day, the same man approached t he White House and spoke to
The Very same Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with
President Barac k Obama'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
And Said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking
To speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr.
Obama Is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?'

The old man answered, 'Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing
Your answer!'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.