The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

Quote:

Originally posted by ThreadKiller

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona
when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on.
He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of
the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for
a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop
and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot.

He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits
down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real
mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the
gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found
the problem. The mechanic looks up and says,

"It looks like you blew a seal."

And he says " just fix the damn thing and keep my private life out of it....ok pal"



Thats a line from the song "Wet Dream", I highly recommend it...

A man is driving down a deserted country road when his car suddenly breaks down. He gets out and starts walking until he encounters a monastery. He knocks on the door and is let in by a little old priest. The priest takes the man in, giving him a place to stay for the night.

As the man is lying in his bed, he suddenly hears beautiful singing. It is the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and it is emanating from somewhere within the monastery. He gets out of bed and searches the monastery for the rest of the night, but with no luck.

In the morning, as he is leaving the monastery, he asks the old priest, "What was the source of that beautiful singing? I searched for it all night but couldn't find it. Please tell me, I have to know!"

The priest responds, "I can't tell you that--you're not a priest."

Finding the source of the beautiful sound becomes the man's obsession, and so he decides to become a priest. He goes to a seminary and studies for years and years in order to become a priest. Finally, on the day he is ordained, he drives full speed back to the monastery. He knocks on the door and the old priest answers.

The man says to the old priest, "Now that I'm a priest, can you tell me the source of that beautiful singing?"

The old priest says, "Yes, take this key. The source is behind that door."

So the man unlocks the door and sees before him--an immense staircase, leading up so high he can't see the top, and so steep it's almost impossible to climb. So he starts climbing the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, and he finally gets to the top, where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he climbs back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a vast forest. So he starts crossing the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, and he finally gets to the end of the forest where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge ocean. So he goes back into the forest and collects some wood to make a raft. He gets on his raft and starts crossing the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, and he finally gets to the other side of the ocean where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge desert. So he starts crossing the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, and he finally gets to the end of the desert where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. He can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him--but the door is locked. So he goes back down the mountain, he almost FALLS OFF, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a hut up there with the source of that beautiful sound in it, but it's locked. PLEASE, can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. The can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him. He puts the key in the lock, turns it, opens the door, and there in front of him is the source of the singing.

I can't tell you that--you're not a priest!

A priest is hearing confession at his church in County Cork.

"Forgive me father" says the penitent, "for I have sinned. I am a
single
man and I have had sexfour times in the last week with Fanny Green"

He is blessed by the priest who tells him to say five Hail Marys and
go
in peace.

The next penitent arrives. "Forgive me Father" he prays, "I have
sinned.
It has been a month since my last confession and in that time I have
had
sex twenty times with Fanny Green"

The priest tells him to say five Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys and go
in peace

But the next parishioner comes to confess

"Forgive me Father, I am a married man. It has been two months since
my
last confession and in thattime I have had sex every day with Fanny
Green"

The priest by this time is very much perturbed but blesses the man and
sends him on his way. However he cannot but wonder about Fanny Green.
It
is, after all, only a small parish in which the priest knows every
soul.
But he has never, before today, heard of this Fanny Green.

Nonetheless, it's time for mass and the priest heads off to lead the
service.

Just as he is about to offer the host, the doors of the chuch burst
open, and a statuesque vision of loveliness the likes of which he has
never seen, walk into the church. She is dressed in green. Green
shoes,
green dress, green coat and a green hat, topped off with a green
feather.

This apparition confidently walks down the centre aisle to the front
pew
where she takes a seat an fixes the priest with a seductive
smile....all
the time her legs slightly just like that sinful hussy Sharon
Stone....and he can see...almost.....he thinks....her pussy.

The priest is completely flustered and in the middle of mass too

He turns to the alter boy, wondering if this is the woman of whom he
has
heard in confession.

"Tell me, lad" he asks, "is tat Fanny Green?"

"Noooooo Father, I tink 'tis just t' reflection from her shoes"

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he
arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit
the
pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof -
Went
flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom
window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed
in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the
floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down
on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull
himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks
and
he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor,
sticking
right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big
pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and
burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch
and
pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity
didn't
mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through
him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my fucking house."

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and
told the congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are
going to have to do something about people parking
behind the church at night. I was out there this
morning and there are enough beer cans out there to
build a car."

One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen
brother and enough rubbers to put tires on it."

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's
waiting room. They discovered they had similar
symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his
penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow
with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said,
"Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining
room, only to be told a few minutes later by the
doctor, "I'm sorry, but you have an advanced case of
VD. I'm afraid you'll have to be castrated."

Turning white, the young man gasped, "But the first
guy... he said it was no big deal!"

"Well, you know," said the doctor, "there's a big
difference between gangrene and lipstick."

the streets of sheffield are echoing to the cries of "super, smashing, great!" as bullseyes final winners finally get the chance to use the speedboat they won!

a muslim just crashed his car into the ulley reservoir in sheffield.... police think its the start of ...... ramadam!

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.

One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

Four old duffers are pounding their balls around the links
when a sudden thunderstorm pops up. >>ZAP<< A bolt of
lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find themselves at
the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys aren't
supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll tell ya what...I can
put you all back on Earth to finish out your days, but you have to
decide how. That is, everyone down there already knows you're all
dead,
so I can't send you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst
yourselves and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you decided how
you
want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided that we
all
want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"LESBIANS!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat pussy and we wanna hit from
the red tees."

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the
English language. You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit

together, find a place for your shit
or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit,

buy shit,

sell shit,

lose shit,

find shit,

forget shit,

and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit
while others can't tell
the difference
between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits,
dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, chicken shit, and horse shit

You can throw shit, sling shit,
catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit
or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit,
or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit,things can look like shit,
and there are timeswhen you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
the right shit,the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,or find
yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit
and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come
out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the
basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't
need to know anything else!

whats spinach and anal sex got in common?... chances are if you didnt like them as a child, you wont like them as an adult either

some really funny things on here.

Q - What's the difference between Brussel Sprouts and Snot ? A - You cant get kids to eat Brussel Sprouts ! (I know it's an old one)

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING B****

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any pussy?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"

A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar. He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to the bar. The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?" The man says "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer." The bartender replies,"I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." The man says, "Okay then what's the name of your penis?" The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know Just Do it. The man thought for a moment then replied "Mine is named Secret." The bartender replied "Secret??" The man explained you know, Strong enough for a man, made for a woman."

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"? The bunny says "No". So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.