The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 2

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm
broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus . So shut the hell up."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin'
and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."


"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!!"

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Q: Whats the difference between Oral Sex and Anal Sex???

A: One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak!

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. �Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least
13. Thongs and Depends

I was having trouble with my computer. ?So I called Harold the computer guy, to come over. ?Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.?
??
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. ?As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"?
??
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."?
??
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"?
??
Harold grinned... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"?
??
"No," I replied.?
??
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."?
??
So I wrote down ....... I D 1 0 T.?
??
I used to like Harold.?
?

Mrs Pavarotti had a win on the national lottery this week, it was only three numbers but she says it'll make up for the tenor she lost earlier in the week.

I'll get me coat....

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber…
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," He said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure and very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?'
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women; but some smirked.
A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just the standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in
front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on
her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police
officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker,
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I
assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless.

What do you call a possum on speed?.

..a passum.

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him with a smile.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.

grandparents funnies


My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"!
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After putting her grandchildren to bed for a sleepover, a grandmother washed off her makeup, changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and began to color her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say in a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
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A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked , "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
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A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'I and add 'es'."
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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher asked, "Do you know what pregnant means?" Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close: "No, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant."

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it.

Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the
Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
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