The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

The Fire Truck:

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.. 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

^^^ Now that is one I can share,thanks Syd

Hi Guys,
Please keep my mother-in-law in your thoughts and prayers. She was involved in a terrible accident this morning.
Luckily, an eye witness managed to record the whole incident. Thanks for your support.
Cheers

All the great Kings:

Teacher:
Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness & peace into people's lives?
Student:
Smo-king , Drin-king & Fuc-king...

Hope this touches you the way it touched me!
Goodbye Mum

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought....
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

Good one!

The "Horth Withperer"
A guy calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. The horse breeder asks, 'How will I recognise him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a Male or female horse. 'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth, can I thee her eyeth?'
So the breeder picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?'
The horse breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. 'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad as fire at this point, the horse breeder grabs him under his arms and sticks the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and plops him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

Treating A Black Eye:

A black eye (periorbital hematoma) or 'shiner' (colloquial) is bruising around the eye commonly due to an injury to the face rather than an eye injury. The name is given due to the color of bruising. The so-called black eye is caused by bleeding beneath the skin around the eye. Sometimes a black eye indicates a more extensive injury, even a skull fracture, particularly if the area around both eyes is bruised (raccoon eyes) or if there has been a head injury.

For years, the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to cover it with a piece of raw meat.
Scientific studies have proven that while the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process,applying cold meat actually delays the recovery of the broken blood vessels that cause the bruising around the orbital socket, while frozen meat may cause superficial thermal burns to the skin.
These same studies demonstrated that application of warm and tender meat is much more effective in helping the eyes recover from the damage because the bruising isn't compounded by thermal shock.
Therefore, the next time you get a black eye, try this method:

Administer treatment until pain and swelling are gone.

Caution: This method may cause swelling in other areas

Kiwi Clock:

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night,
A drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For fuck's sake, you stupid Kiwi prick. It's ten past three in the fucking morning!!!

^^^

Thanks Syd !

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

Army Vs Navy:
An old Sailor and an old Digger were sitting in the bar arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Army," the grunt declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I fought on the Kokoda Track, clawed my way up the blood-soaked mountains and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always
under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire-fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "You lucky bastard, all shore time.

Funny Stuff--Thanks

Making a baby.. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted.

Thanks Syd !

Thanks Syd, I've been chuckling all day over that one

Sex at 63:
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 63!
I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 67.....
It's not far to walk home afterwards!

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.
Bruce came running in.
'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'