The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Night Nurse:

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some arsehole's got my pen!'

Thanks Syd

Hi all,

I have 5 free iPads to give away - first come first served.

I already gave one to my mate Dave and he loves it, have a look for yourself !!

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year, the bells are not always audible.

Maybe a repeat, like I can't remember them all (repeats). It is bad enough remembering the jokes.

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient Is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.

Thanks Syd, another couple years and I won't be able to either

anyway

A true copy of a "Thank you letter"

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

How many times have you been driving down the road and got passed by some asshole on a motorbike?

Two Little Kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid says, "Whoa, good luck with that buddy.
I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

True Story:

Google it - this is absolutely true!



In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet,
Herts.

The Rule Maker:

Do you know who makes the rules?
As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules ......
We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules ....As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ...
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game ...
And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day ...
But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following:

Drinking With Jesus:

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.
They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles and says "yes I am"
The Irishman says to the bartender give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to him
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles and drinks.
The Englishman then says, "How do you do Sir and would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.
This the bartender does, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! g'day are you Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a VB for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Later Jesus approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of Oh my God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. The Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove", he exclaims, "The blood pressure I've had for years is gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers."Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

NOT approved by the A.M.A. Or Medicare,
Everyone who has tried this remedy had only good reaction to the results!
If you suffer from Migraines- - - - - - try this

You can also hear the ocean & smell the fish.

Here is a traffic law question. If you miss it you may be too old to drive.


Traffic Question :
Most men will get this right!
Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING FOR 2 MILES sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
(a) Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles , or

(b) Do you break the law and pass?

Which is the correct choice?



A: Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

Expressions:
See if you can solve this one.
Facial expressions are an important part of the respected Mayo Clinic psychometric test. In the following pictures, you see women with a range of facial expressions. Study the expressions, and try to imagine what single act each is experiencing. Then scroll down to see the answer.



They are all about to sneeze

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.
'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
'Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?'
The assistant said: 'Well! No!'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
'And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'
The assistant replied: 'Because you're in Bunnings'

I'm baffled

How to get to Heaven from Ireland:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
' NO!' the children answered.
' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

It's a curious race, the Irish.

Two Women:
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other woman responds proudly, "Yes, I sure am!"
The first one says, "So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?"
The other woman answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first one responds, "So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other woman says, "A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town."
The first one says, "Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?"
The other woman answers, "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course."
The first one gets really excited and says, "And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other woman answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."
The first woman exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!"
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
Michael asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
Brian answers, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."