The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Seven Kinds Of Sex ........

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'Fuck You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own !!!

Problem Solved!

Dear Mr. Rudd

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Australia 's economy. Instead of
giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish
parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the
Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the workforce. - Pay them
$3 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new Australian car. Ten million cars ordered - Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
4) They must send their kids to school/college/university - Crime Rate fixed
5) Buy $50 of alcohol / tobacco a week there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all Members of Parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.

For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything!
Well, here is a Refresher Course:
********************************* ********************************************
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
********************************* ******************************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait...
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Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
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You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
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Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
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The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
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The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
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American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
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Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
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The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
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Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
**************************************************************************
PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but, not downstairs.

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A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
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Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6)feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

So......................



Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush!!!

Have a laugh:

Wednesday Banter!

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said . 'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

-----------------------------------------


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.' Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'


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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?' The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.' The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

Childhood Deformities:

Peter decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Peter that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.
However, Peter felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too...
Peter looked Sandy in the eyes and said....
'I too have a problem My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that
once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis.'
Sandy and Peter got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Peter whisked Sandy off to their hotel suit and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. ...
As Sandy put her hands in Peter's pants she began to scream and run out of the room!
Peter ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your penis was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is......
8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!'

Proof That The World Is Nuts:



In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female.

Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Do they look different reversed?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.

This also applies to undertakers.

The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(Problem with rigor mortis?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!'


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time


Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Nasty!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(Sunny disposition required!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(A whole new angle on backseat driving)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(This was a big enough problem to pass a law?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(They must be counting on brewer's droop!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking tiny bottles of what?)

(Did our government pay for this research??)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Don't step in that!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me I will be in Guam !!!!!!

Transylvania Epic

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."



With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.



After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.



The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.



Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!



Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.



He bursts in and shouts to his master:



"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music!"





(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

This new WBW sucks

Bath Night:

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could
have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a
bathroom but she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he
came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap
in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do
you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did
you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

How Tough Are Australians?

The scene is set


- a dark night,

cold wind blowing,

campfire flickering,


stars twinkling in the dark sky.







Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,






one from Australia,
one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.






Each embroiled in
the bravado for which they are famous.








The night of tales begins...



Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who
came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed
the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'.








Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be
bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my
heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock
and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet
it's head off ind then
sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here
today'








Glen the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire
with his penis.

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.


Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited



Females with whom conversation
is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Robbie Williams concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancée/Partner/Wife:

I’M GOING OUT, O.K.


Signed: (me)……………………

Kevin's $900.00



Bloody hell ,Local aboriginals in Darwin have pooled all their $900.00 Stimulus payment from Kevin 07, formed a corporate and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand. Apparently they are all going to move up there and become Thai-Coons !!

It's that time of the year again

How to Check Your Car's Air Conditioner


1. Start the engine and close all the windows.


2. Turn on the A/C put the fan on High


3. Leave running for 10 minutes, then put the tester in the car.





KEEP SCROLLING.















Yep... It's working fine!

Needs more free on ! I see sweaty hair...

(and nice nips ! )

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force .
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force .
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, s Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

The Centrelink Office:

A long haired Aboriginal walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up
his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'

We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.


Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. '

The Aboriginal plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me!

The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well. . you fuckin' started it.'

The Last Coin
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 ten cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've Never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"


'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office ..'

Pick up Line:

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

'I still call Australia home' he says to her.

She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.

'Obviously not with QANTAS'. He thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:' Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as Silk?'

This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the FUCK do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said 'Ahhhhh, Jetstar!'

My favorite Shirt:

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her.
Then I began wearing my favorite shirt.....
She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore....SCROLL DOWN