The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

How God Created Man ~ Eve's Side of the Story:
Ladies,



I think you will all appreciate this particular account of the story of creation…









EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY .and we are sticking with it !!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets
Are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,
But I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the
Other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
Catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
Came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having
Only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this,
You know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
Only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
The bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals
Are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals
Have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately
Create a man from a part of you.... Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that rubbish about the rib?

heh...good ones

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives
of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all
at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would
be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"


WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The
wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to
get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that
is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the
coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"


The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent
treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at
5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew
she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when
he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're
just not trying!!


A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher,
and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's
easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget
shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse.
'A female horth.'

So he shows him a
prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her
eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives
the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her
earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her
mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her
twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him
under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,
pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and
coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that.
Can I thee her
wun awound a widdlebit'?

Ethics Test


Here's a little food for thought. I'm sure you'll come to the right decision, as I did…


ETHICS TEST





QUESTION?

You are running late for work, so you cut through the park to save time
As you round the corner you find a little girl crying bec au se she has spilled her ice cream all over herself. What do you do?
A) You're so late that you keep on going and hope that no one sees you.
B) You stop and offer to buy her another ice cream to shut her up.
C) You stop and offer to clean her up and get her another ice cream.


Scroll down and see if you answered correctly! :-) BE HONEST
































Want to change your answer?

End of test

Email Hoaxes!

This corrects the info in that hoax email last year that had John Howard warning Muslims to "shape up or ship out" Howard had never done this This year some OTHER idiot has changed Howard's name in the email to Kevin Rudd HE never said it either. Below is an article from the Sydney Morning Herald, correcting misinformation put out by by these cretins.
Oh, Kevin, you didn't
Sean Nicholls and Emily Dunn
March 4, 2009
Page 1 of 4 | Single Page View
THE DIARY

KEVIN RUDD has become the latest victim of an email hoax which claims to report his inflammatory comments about Muslim immigration to Australia. Mimicking a news agency report, the email reads: "Rudd angered some Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. "Immigrants, not Australians, must adapt. Take it or leave it. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture."



According to the website hoax-slayer.com an identical email did the rounds last year, attributed to John Howard. But that hasn't stopped it being posted on bulletin boards in the United States and Britain (including, bizarrely, a forum about the British weather and a blog on the mass circulation Daily Express newspaper) in recent weeks. There is also evidence the email has reached mailboxes in Africa, New Zealand and Singapore.

The Chief:
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get
over here!"

"What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new sailor.

"Paul," was the reply.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart,
pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors today, but I don't call anyone by
their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in
authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only: Smith, Jones,
Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief.

Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new sailor sighed.... and said, "Darling. My name is Paul Darling,
Chief!"

"Okay.............. Paul,........ here's what I want you to do... "

To Be Sure To Be Sure. Happy St Patrick's Day! My Irish Joke for today.
Paddy and the Priest were walking down the lane. Paddy was putting his hand in his coat pocket, looking for his cigarettes, when a packet of condoms fell on the cobbles. The Priest picked up the packet and said, 'What do you use these for?'
Paddy said, 'Well, you can use them for lots of things. Like when it rains. You can put one over your cigarette to keep it dry.' As it was raining lightly at the time, the Priest said, 'Then I'll get some.'
Next day he went to the Chemist and asked the girl behind the counter for some condoms.
She said, 'What size, Father?'
And the Priest said, 'To fit a Camel.'

The Vicar's Salary

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.
No one wants him to leave.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland
and Otago, stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide
him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands
and says, If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
' If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones,
whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to
hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head
from side to side, while his wife replies:

'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and
he said, 'Fuck the Vicar!'

A Trillion Dollars!
What does one TRILLION dollars look like?

All this talk about "stimulus packages" and "bailouts"...

A billion dollars...

A hundred billion dollars...

Eight hundred billion dollars...

One TRILLION dollars...

What does that look like? I mean, these various numbers are tossed around like so many doggie treats, so I thought I'd takeGoogle Sketchup out for a test drive and try to get a sense of what exactly a trillion dollars looks like.

We'll start with a $100 dollar bill. Currently the largest U.S. denomination in general circulation. Most everyone has seen them, slighty fewer have owned them. Guaranteed to make friends wherever they go.

$100

A packet of one hundred $100 bills is less than 1/2" thick and contains $10,000. Fits in your pocket easily and is more than enough for week or two of shamefully decadent fun.

$10,000

Believe it or not, this next little pile is $1 million dollars (100 packets of $10,000). You could stuff that into a grocery bag and walk around with it.

$1,000,000 (one million dollars)

While a measly $1 million looked a little unimpressive, $100 million is a little more respectable. It fits neatly on a standard pallet...

$100,000,000 (one hundred million dollars)

And $1 BILLION dollars... now we're really getting somewhere...


$1,000,000,000 (one billion dollars)

Next we'll look at ONE TRILLION dollars. This is that number we've been hearing about so much. What is a trillion dollars? Well, it's a million million. It's a thousand billion. It's a one followed by 12 zeros.

You ready for this?

It's pretty surprising.

Go ahead...

Scroll down...

... I give you $1 trillion dollars...

$1,000,000,000,000 (one trillion dollars)

I have enrolled. Will be a very intense 2 days. That toilet roll one will be a cracker




WICO E
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

Younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate, because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Subject: NO Speak English






A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Dubbo. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...





(Please scroll down.)







































What were you thinking?



Her husband speaks English!



Now get back to your emails.







I worry about you sometimes!

One Day A Biker Dies:

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"
Biker: "What do you think? I'm in Hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
Biker: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover,
Because you're dead .. anyway."
Biker: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"
Biker: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out.
If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Biker: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Biker : "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.
If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Biker: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about Drugs?"
Biker: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Biker: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Biker: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

Having A Drink!
A guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing
stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?'

The poor little guy starts crying.

'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I

didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.

'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important

meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my

car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the

cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit

me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,

and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

Aussie First-Aid!
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE !!!!!!

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller ? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manouevre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

Irishman:
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he has any experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had told a donkey to fuck off once.

New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


Now


A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!









HAVE A GREAT DAY.

Message from Kevin:
Dear People of Australia,


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).


Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).


Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.



Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.


Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.


Sincerely,

Kevin Rudd
Canberra