The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Sounds just like my wife!

She beat a spending ticket about 5 yrs. ago by claiming sexual harassment because
she and her daughter were in bikini tops and the officer could see that over the door of her little
tracker!! and just wanted to check them out

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important than a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is importsnt that these four men don't know each other.

One saggy b<..>b said to the other saggy b<..>b: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

It pays to know German:



An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!

Little Bruce

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... Answered the kid.

"Here, we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on

Your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?"

Asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage,

Your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher

Saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two bloody Arabs!..."

I for one, hate "Little Bruce Stories"

Tnx Syd,,,,

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary!

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary!

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage..
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

Irish Petshop Joke:
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem..'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrot shooting either!'
IT's NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

The Great Aussie Love Poem

Of Course I Love Ya Darling, You're A Bloody Top Notch Bird
And When I Say You're Gorgeous I Mean Every Single Word

So Ya Bum Is On The Big Side... I Don’t Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Ready There's Somethin' There To Grab

And Your Belly Isn't Flat No More, I Tell Ya, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Cuddle Ya I Can Get My Arms Round There

No Sheila Who Is Your Age Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave Into Gravity, And I Know Ya Did Ya Best

I'm Tellin Ya The Truth Now, I’ll Never Tell Ya Lies
I Think It's Bloody Sexy That You've Got Dimples On Ya Thighs

I Swear Upon Me Nannas Grave , The Moment That We Met
I Thought You Was As Good As... I Was Ever Gonna’ Get

No Matter What you Look Like... I'll Always Love Ya Dear
Now Shut Up While The Footy’s On ...And Get Me Another Bloody Beer!

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



Well...... HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!


YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!

A man and his wife were watching a TV program On psychology,


When the man turned to his wife and said,
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make
Me happy and sad at the same time ."
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V


She said, "Of course I can: You've got the biggest penis out of all your friends."

Reason to Live:
3 Old Guys..
'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'
'Ah, that's nothing,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do you have trouble peeing, too? asked the 60-year old.
'No I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'
'No, I have one every morning at 6out:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said. 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

Health Warning:
If by any chance you receive an email from the NSW dept of Health
Regarding the eating of tinned pork please ignore it


It is just another spam email

AMA GUIDELINE FOR THE STIMULUS PACKAGE:

Apparently the Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new economic stimulus package....
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.

NATIONAL THREAT LEVELS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Afghanistan and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the Air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come and rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.


He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.


He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.


He tripped & fell on the ground.


He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.




At that instant the Atheist cried out,

'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'

'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?


'Very well,' said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:



'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Information to help our members from over the pond to understand the joke.

Mathew Johns was a top NRL - Rugby League player of the 1990, untill this story broke he was a TV sports reporter.
It has come to light he along with a number of his team mates were involved in a group sex affair some 7 years ago while playing for the Cronulla Sharks


The NRL has cleared Matthew Johns of any misconduct as the kiwi girl at
the centre of the sex scandle admitted she wasn't aware of the interchange
rule.

The Johns event didn't happen to my mind; there is no way Cronulla
could score 12 times in one night.

She should have stayed still. Its common knowledge that thrashing around
attracts more sharks.

What's the worlds bravest bird? A kiwi, cause it takes on 12 sharks at
once...

What's the difference between Matt Johns and Jaws? In Jaws there was
only 1 shark eating the woman.

I found out the name of the shiela Johns rooted. It was Joyce Mayne,
get what you want now and nothing to pay for 7 years.

The sharks get more crowds at their gang bangs than they do at their home
games.

Apparently the kiwi woman only wanted "sex" with Johns, not "six".

I finally understand the words to the haka. For years I have been
wondering what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY' meant.

Grass:
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned
to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind"


"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high".

Settee:


A wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a dead sex life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the settee.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs enough times till her husband says, “Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"

“Yes,” she answers.

“Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee.”

The "O" Group:

The CO was about to start the morning briefing to his Battalion staff and Company Commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The Adjutant said it was 75% work to 25% pleasure.
A Captain said it was 50-50%.
The RSM responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Corporal who was in charge of making the coffee.
The Colonel asked what was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Corporal responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent !!.