The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

Not really a joke as such, but I put it in the Aussie Thread!

I checked out Cadbury today at Woolworths!!! No more Cadbury's for me!!! I will check everything from now on...


Have you ever seen this symbol on your food products?





The LHS symbol is that of the - HALAL CERTIFICATION AUTHORITY - AUSTRALIA
This is a Muslim Association that collects money from the Australian Food Industry for this symbol so that Muslims will purchase the product. Yet we are told the Muslim population are only one and a half percent of Australia's total!
On a recent radio talk-back show a well known host was alerted to this practice. He hit a stone wall when trying to find out HOW MUCH money was paid to this organization and WHERE the money went.
It was explained that by buying those marked products at least you are supporting a religion that is actively trying to destroy the Australian way of life or at the other extreme the money MAY be supporting terrorism.
Many Australian Companies are paying this money including BEGA, CADBURY and many other well known companies. Check before you buy.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE THAT MONEY IS GOING?
Until you know, support those companies that support the Australian way of life.

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my booze.

Syd, how long are you going to be in jail?

I'm not sure about downunder laws, here that's almost justifiable homicide

Anyway, I hope the best for you in your new home!

A Woman's Poem~Short and Sweet, just how I like them!

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.

He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his mother used to do.

Holy Bath Night.

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene,
had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued,
'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard', snarled the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!'

new spew, thanks Syd

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's me fooken wife! I've accidentally shot 'er, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* ... *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've fooken done that. What next?''

Definition of Taliban.
Our troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor. One of them sent this ....
YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF ....
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against..
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one..
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

(beer)Bloody rippa mate got a laugh from that lot

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.

This was the winner:


Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ..... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

A bloke walks into a bar in Sydney and orders a shandy.

All the Aussies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Pommie visitor.

The barman says, 'You ain't from around here, are ya?'

The guy says, 'No, I'm from Canada .'

The bartender says, 'What do you do in Canada ?'

The guy says, 'I'm a taxidermist.'

The bartender says, 'A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermest? Do you drive a tixi?'

' No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals.'

The bartender grins and yells, He's okay boys. He's one of us.'

I just got arrested at Bunnings for punching an abbo sheila in the face.

Not entirely my fault though.

Dad told me to grab a Black & Decker.

A Blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners..
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says "Come Again".

The Blonde says
"No, it's toothpaste this time you nosey woman"

Dear Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson,

my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my

favourite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.


Regards

Malcolm Turnbull

THANKS Syd

Syd the Joke Master..... (vote on it)

The Rectum stretcher
While I was driving down the F3 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on
the other side with a radar gun laying in waiting.
His mate, waiting in the lay-by further down the road, pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked:
Runway too short?'
To which I replied: 'I'm late for work.'
To which he asked: 'What do you do?'
I responded: 'I'm a rectum stretcher'
The copper was surprised and confused: 'A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.'
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : 'And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?'
To which I politely replied : 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'
Speeding ticket: $60.00
Penalty Points : 3
Look on copper's face: Priceless..

The Missionary:

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest... He points to a tree and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Just a sailor!

A young blonde in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "

Politically Incorrect Humour
I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot, or A Frenchman an asshole.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a Gravestone.
I said, "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but man, pass the parcel was quick!!!
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul........ Won't it start?