The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

An Irishman was walking down town when he felt hungry. Up ahead he saw Joe's Pizza Parlor. He went in and ordered a pizza. When it came out of the oven, Joe asked the Irishman whether he wanted it cut into six or eight slices.
The Irishman said, "You'd better cut it into six pieces. I couldn't eat eight!"

Tanks again sir!!!

Quote:

Originally posted by notech

Tanks again sir!!!

No need to call me Sir, notech..........I work for a living!

Seeing that u like my Oyrish Jokes notech, here is another!
Pat and Mick were camping in the bush, but the mosquitoes were so bad they decided to pack up and move a few hundred yards.
But they'd do so in total darkness, so that the mosquitoes wouldn't know where they'd gone.
They stumbled around in the dark, striking the tent by feel and groping their way through the thick scrub.
Somehow they managed to repitch their tent in total darkness and finally, fell inside exhausted.
Whereupon a firefly came through the flap of their tent.
'It's no use,' moaned Pat, 'they're looking for us with hurricane lamps!'

Courtesy Demands me ,salute your superiors

Sir

edit: you the king !!!

The Parrot is Dead!

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'


'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'


'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'


'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'


'Si, Senor, that's the one.'


'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'


'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'


'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'


'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'


'Dead horse? What dead horse?'


'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'


'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'


'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'


'Are you insane?? What water cart?'


'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'


'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'


'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'


'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'


'Yes, Senor Rod.'


'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'


'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'


'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'


'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Tailor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'


SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .


'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While
en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man
suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby
tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the
blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do
it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the
Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid
for your season P anther tickets. HE paid for our house at the
lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays
the monthly dues!'
Shaking
his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the
cabby and says, 'What would you do?' The cabby replies, 'I'd cover
his ass with that blanket before he catches
cold.'

*buys Demo a Corvette.*

@Syd
@Demo

..................

Quote:

Guys been dating his girlfriend for about 6 months, and he really likes her, but its always the same. They go out to dinner, have a drink of wine, come home, watch a movie, have sex in the missionary position with the lights off, smoke a cigarette, and then they go to bed. He is getting little bored with it all. So one day he gets it in his head "anal." He thinks about it for a while, but decides it would probobly hurt her, and might hurt the relationship, so he gives up on it.

Goes on for another month. Dinner, wine, movie, sex, cigarette, sleep. Finally he just decides he's gonna go for it. Middle of the sex he flips her over, sticks it in her ass and she doesnt say anything, so he just keeps going, and after railing her ass for a few minutes, in a fit of bravado, he pulls out and drops the load on her face as she opens her mouth pretty much begging for it.

Afterwords, they are having their cigarette and he says "so how about that huh?" And she says "well it was really good, but wasnt it a little presumptous of you to think you could just flip me over and put it in my ass?" and he says

"presumptous? Thats an awful big word for a 6 year old."

All Puns Intended:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:
'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel,
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to
disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?'

Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that McDonalds on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the McDonalds about a block further down?'
'Yes.'

'And beyond that, do you see that third McDonalds?'
'Yes.'

'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those.
And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'

They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime , worth
every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'

The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, 'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is
laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?'

'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'

Brilliant South Indian in USA!
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student
named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said,
'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher ,
'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses
testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor,
someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007.'

The Sensitive Man
A guy meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,
And as he shows him around his apartment.
He notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And he was immediately touched
By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

He found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy
To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

He is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,
After awhile, he finds himself
Thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
He turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts him in
His arms and carries him into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
He is so overwhelmed that he
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than he
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The guy rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at him,
Strokes his cheek,
Looks deeply into his eyes,
And says:


'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'

I Got Your Mama


Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.'
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved
to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her
room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1

Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year,
so she tore up the letter and started over

LETTER 2

Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket, and ran out of the church down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4

I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

The love story of Ralph and Edna...

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both
patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the
hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to
the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'

I'm a Fireman!
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with his hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit...what happened next?'

A blonde gets a job as a primary school teacher.

She notices a boy on the play field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.


'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes.' he answers.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here', he replies quietly.
'Why?' asks the blonde.

'Because, I'm the fucking goalie'

It's been awhile since I checked in...AND

@ sydney
@demonic