The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 3

This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.

There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear..

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

didn't see that one coming, did you?

Kitty Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human Beings are
> the only animals that stutter," she says.
> A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
> the girl to describe the incident.
> "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
> that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
> over the fence into our yard!"
> "That must've been scary," said the teacher.
> "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went Sssss,
> Sssss, Sssss" and before he could say "Shit," the Rottweiler ate him!
> The teacher wet her pants laughing.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (or the uncertainty of the English language)



A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

A blonde call s Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly
showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the
guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,'
the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his
astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at
it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the
mallet, gave
the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped
back.

The three stood looking at one another for a
moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the
morning!'

^^^I've got friends who would probably do that

Two Irish Travellers returning home become lost.
One said, "We must be in a Cemetery. Look, here's a Headstone!"
The other lit a match and peered at the Stone.
"Well, he was a grand old age - Ninety five!"
"What was his name?" asked his friend.
'Oh, some fellow called Miles from Dublin.'

hear about the blonde that wanted to give blood?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..

...


she spent all day ringing out her used tampons.

Wisdom:
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces..... In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

One for the girls:
Eve's side of the story...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc...she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the story about the rib?

And then the fight started:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...


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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...



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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...



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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...




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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.


Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

GWB Library to Open in 2009

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. ·

*The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt Room which is huge and has no ceiling.

The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.

The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

The museum will also have an electron microscope to help you locate the President's accomplishments

Sumbich:

A filthy rich South Texas man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft Man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to
anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool.

Bride at 84!

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through. Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?






DON'T LOOK DOWN!!
DON'T LOOK DOWN!!

from #292-296

thanks SYD. I love your jokes!!!

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds !!!
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.











If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull.
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
Yeah ............. I fell for it too!!

none of the above!!! it's a coconut tree

Another spewwing out my nose momment....tnx