The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

never trust them !

Could only be Australian hey???


This is short but sweet – and of course very Australian!


The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:



Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6,000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

Poetry:
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

(beer)

Thanks Syd !

A Bunnings Story:


Charlie asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the employee to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap set.

When the employee was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that tap set?"

The employee replied, "That's a gold plated tap set and the price is $800.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive tap set. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The employee said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the employee yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the tap set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!!!

Pinocchio:
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for stroll and come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" says Snow White.
After 30 minutes, she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"I won first place!" says Snow White.
They continue walking and come across another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After 30 minutes, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won first place, too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they come across a third sign:
"Contest for the greatest liar in the world."
Pinocchio enters the contest.
After 30 minutes, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they ask.
"Who the hell is Kevin Rudd?" asks Pinocchio

Stimulus Package:

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence in Yarralumla. One is from Canberra , another from Melbourne, and the third one is from Sydney. All three go with a government official to examine the fence.
The Canberra contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works out some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run to about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me”.
The Melbourne contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me”
The Sydney contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers “$2,700”.
The government official, incredulous, says “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’
The Sydney contractor whispers back “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the bloke from Melbourne to fix the fence”. “Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan works.

Yup, I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Stones in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood.
Lead in the Feet
Iron in the Arteries
And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

Quote:

Originally posted by Syd

"Who the hell is Kevin Rudd?" asks Pinocchio
and Yup, I'm rich!

and ,is she married yet ???

Seduction:

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!!

God Bless Elderly Ladies!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Is Gun Control A Need?
Here is one for all you gun addicts. This will make you think twice the next time you purchase a gun.
What follows is an actual photo of a person being shot at close range.
Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea.
Violence is a brutal event. Most of us tend to sit back in our living rooms, view the barrage of information that comes across from the media and we become desensitized to the real gravity and danger of the world in which we live.





Just horrible, isn't it?

Female Compassion:

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fucked?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Mills And Boon:

An extract from Mills & Boon's latest novel.... With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures....

"We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know, and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.

Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ. I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.

Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.

Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered ""Baaaaaaaa"" and rejoined the flock."

This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia, Wales, Ballymena and certain parts of Derbyshire.

Look closely

Notice anything?

Look closely..........

You see it now?.........





Still don't see it ??

Come on now ...

I cleaned out my garage!!

Syd where do you come up with all of these oldies to Re-post?

It's still funny so it stays, try to remember (I'm almost positive you posted that a year or so ago)

A Man's Grill
Now this is a man's BBQ!!!!



BBQ RULES :
We'll be entering the BBQ season in a few months. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone praises the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether
or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the fookin skippin"

Syd, I rolled on the floor on that one! Thanks

(since last year at this time I've lost 90 lbs somewhere )