The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

The Fairy and the Asylum Seeker:
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Kevin Rudd to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'
The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room -for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka . I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl , and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
you're entitled to sweet fuck all like the rest of us”.
And she disappeared.

True! Bundy Rum Fishing Story
BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum) = Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!
A Mate of mine told me this story and swears it's Fair dinkum.
Here's what he told me:
I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a King Brown (For you overseas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

So funny still after hearing it last year, Thanks Syd

An Irish Blonde in a Casino


An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON , I WON !'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'



MORAL OF THE STORY -



Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but all men...are men.

Australian Male At His Best:
For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked her husband if he would mind making the next day's lunches for them both.
Obligingly he agrees.
The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband,
'Did you make our lunches, honey?'
He replied, 'Yeah babe, they're on the second shelf of the fridge.
Mine's on the left, yours is on the right.'
Have a look at the photo…
LOVE IT!!!

There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

Why I forward jokes:

This explains why I forward jokes.



A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.
Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact , you forward jokes
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime! SydneySinbad

(beer)

Ty Notech.

My Dog
I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.
At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dog gets his first cheque Friday. Damn this is a great country.

A Different Perspective:

Bob and Cheryl were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Bob watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Cheryl's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 3 decades.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.



They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'



Bob asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Bob looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Bob.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'



Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Bob. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Bob looked around and glanced nervously at Cheryl.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


'No gym to work out at?' said Bob
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'



Bob glared at Cheryl and said, 'You and your fucking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Aussie Bush Etiquette:





In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

2. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

3. Even if you're certain you're included in the Will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.


Dining Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


Entertaining in Your Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.


Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is never a waste of money.

3. Over use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.


Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cumber-bund and a clean football jumper is considered tacky and uncool.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. If you tow another car using panty hose and duct tape, NEVER try to return the panty hose after use.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Stress Management Technique:

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.

The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.



1. Picture yourself lying on your stomach on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater!


There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

Syd Buddy,

But you need this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrtzX2ONoT4



Thank You for the great L O L'S

At a Bar:



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding, I'm in the Labor Party too! What State are you from?"

Treatment for a Black Eye

Treating a BLACK EYE for years the conventional wisdom has been that the best treatment for a black eye is to put a piece of cold, raw meat on it. While the raw meat helps reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually delays the recovery of broken blood vessels that cause the black and blue marks around the eyes. Studies have shown that application of warm meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage .



See treatment below!

















Administer treatment until pain & swelling are gone .

Warning: Some secondary swelling may occur.

40 years of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Women's Lib Conference:

The first speaker; a lady from England, stood and said "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Ray, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Canada, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ted, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued. "Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."

Nursing Home:



Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out,
'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess that, you silly old fools.'



One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Determined
to prove them wrong, he did it. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'