The Official WBW 'Down Under' Joke Thread.

How You Know When Love Fades?
A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.
"What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"
He said, "I'd love chicken, thank you."
She replied, "Fuck you. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

There are some very funny jokes here!!!!

Australia Post Product Recall Suspension



Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.





The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:


1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

Earth:
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.
When the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. so he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the email said?



No?

Okay, just wondering.


I didn't get one either.

The smoker, the alcoholic, & the homosexual


Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.


The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.


The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.



On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a milk bar on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.


The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'


Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.


He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says,

'Promise you won't get mad?'


'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

all day at that one Syd !

Thanks

The Study:

The Candy with the Hole!

Leave it to small children to be honest
Here is one I thought you might like...


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange .................Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

Locked Out!

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

Subject: New Government Emblem

Old Government Seal New KRudd seal

[ Link ][ Link ]






















Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from our Australian flag to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Perhaps that would be funnier
Here

Ahh So!

A garbage collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate!

Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke,a bit perplexed....
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! no ! mate,

Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector.
"You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"

With Prejudice:

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my Story.
"Your Honour," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.
I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door.
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as Possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.
Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'..





Perfectly understandable

Terror Alert Levels:
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout
loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A Difficult Decision

A man wakes up in Hospital , bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained Consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago
On the M7. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but......Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
Your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find It.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance Compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in Fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day..
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting a new kitchen.'

Sir, you are a living joke machine!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend like you, I wish I had a good memory for retelling them.

Quote:

Originally posted by BubbaGramps

Sir, you are a living joke machine!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend like you, I wish I had a good memory for retelling them.

Ty for ur kind comments. Sometimes, after telling the joke and sending it here, I recall that I may have left out a bit, or forgotten the 'punch-line!' But that I guess goes with the age. But, overall I have a good retention, especially when it is a good joke and can be enjoyed by all. Ty once again for the appreciation.

Nursing Home Sex:

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'
She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies
Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'
'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'
Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was
holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

Your favorite movie:



BE SURE AND DO THE MATHS BEFORE LOOKING AT THE LIST OF MOVIES.



Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your all time favorite. It really works and will predict your all time favorite movie ! ! ! ...Don't ask me how ...just do the maths quiz then scroll down and see it it worked for you.

This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.

Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Shawshank Redemption" - exactly right! ! ! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's cool, easy and it works.


Now look up your number in the list below...






























1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Shawshank Redemption
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Freak'n Amazing, isn't it ? ! ? ! ?

You don't believe it........then try one more time!

Very Good Advice For Some:

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start Swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is a sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"