The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Golf Club Sign:

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3.. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.
NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF...

Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER........ PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times !

Great stuff. Thank you.

Police Work:
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best come-back line ever.'

Subject: IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG (Titan)

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG... Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who bit six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their butt cracks and three flag burners.

FOR THE LAST TIME...NO, THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !

PADDY outta love this one...

Scotland vs Wales

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few . . .

I noticed two quite large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are
you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So I immediately apologized. I said, "Sorry . . . . are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember.

the AMA on obama care

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .

Today's word is.................. Fluctuations.

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke:


I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

btw i'm caucasion - lol

Well, the church threw my cookies out of the bake sale…..again!
So much for me volunteering anymore!

the ex wife quote - if your a woman & have an ex husband feel free to reverse my quote.

"I'd rather stick myself in the eye with a red hot needle, then marry that woman again"

Italians -- It's in their blood!

disclaimer.. i love everyone equally.

1.Michel Fabrizio
2. Max Biaggi
3.Francesco Schettino

it keeps reversing the boat pic -- it's supposed to be last --grrrrrr

Good stuff abd!

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.
On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Stop pissing about," she snapped.

"I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

Quote:

Originally posted by Paddy!

Good stuff abd!

I went on a backpacking holiday with the wife.
On the first night I said, "I think there's a monster under my bed..."

"Grow up," she replied.

"No, really," I continued. "It's hideous..."

"Stop pissing about," she snapped.

"I knew it was a mistake letting you have the top bunk."

so this kid was collecting money from his news paper route & rings the door bell.. the woman of the house answers the door in a bathrobe and says can i help you? he say yes ma'am your 2 weeks behind & i'm collecting today.. she goes for her purse & her bathrobe accidently drops to the floor.. she hurries up to put it back on only to find the young chap with eyes as big a saucers. she says poor boy is there anything i can do any questions?

boy answers yes ma'am, if i put a quarter in your slot & push your button will your bells ring?

Income tax for 2012


Do not forget for this years income tax report, to list the names of the Members of Parliament and Senators as your “dependants”.

TO SLEEP TO EARN MORE... MP’s at work :a nice wage at 10,000 $/month.

Another small take at 8,000 $/month.

A little bit or reading on the side at 11,000 $/month.

Writing your mail at the expense of the tax payer ..