The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

Cowboy Up

An Alberta cowboy walked into a drug store in Vancouver and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and
as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much
more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional,
and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident
that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss,
but I have a, uh, permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems,
and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”
The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”
When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows:
-1/3 ownership in the store
-A company pickup truck
-Two home cooked dinners a week
-And $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

Coffee Tables

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night, and I said, "You remind me of my little toe."
"Is that because I'm small and cute?" she asked.
"No,” I replied. “It's because I'll probably end up banging you on my coffee table later tonight.”

Sergeant Major

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself
at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance,
one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!
I mean, no sex since 1955!?"
Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

EuroMillions head office have suggested that I take £16,000,000 a year for 10 years rather than the full £160,000,000 outright.

So I told them that if they're going to fuck me about, I'll have my £2 back !

I've just seen the video of a drunken Charlotte Church with her knickers round her ankles. I was a bit shocked to see that.

Didn't think Welsh girls wore any knickers !

The beautiful psychiatrist was getting nowhere trying to cure the speech impediments of her three patients. So she decided to up the ante, offering each one a blow job, if they could answer her simple question, without stuttering.

The question she asked each in turn was "Where were you born?"

First, Brian. "M-m-m-m-m-anchester", Brian stuttered, and failed.

Second, Fred. "B-b-b-b-b-irmingham", Fred stuttered, and failed.

Lastly, Paddy. "London...'
and just as she got her lips round his bellend he said 'd-d-d-d-d-derry"

Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Mine was Star Wars which is true

Movie Magic:

Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.




Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy Of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Toy Story

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,.......... 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

Wow Steve the movie quiz is pretty cool. My pick was Grease! Although I do love Mrs. Doubtfire

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me I know this face but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up and says, "You daft bastard, it's me"!!!!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year." Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." !!!!

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!"
thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph, then 140mph. Suddenly he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsence!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up to him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied,
"5 years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back!!"
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

Tnk's Syd !

Have you heard this one?

AL-GEBRA


At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator. Attorney General Eric Holder believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.


Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line.


Remember, these weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex. As our Great Leader would say, "Read my ellipse." Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.

Now that is tops. ^^^^

Notech is sitting on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Notech replies, "It's me...................................talking to the beer." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another version:

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Suprise.' The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look into the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chinese Suprise." "Ah! So sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Old joke that still makes me laugh my ass off. Thanks SYD!

Vet?
Here is a great story without a word being said, apart from the dialogue at the end.


A German Tourist jumped in and saved my precious little dog.
Upon getting back up on the bridge, he checked the dog out and told me that,
"Ze dog is ok, and vill be fine."
So I asked him if he was a Vet?
He replied,
"Vet? I'm vucking soaked!"

For Notech:
Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker.

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

^^^

My wife says to me the other night "How come we don't make love like they do in the movies?"

So I bent her over the table smacked her hard on the ass, grabbed her by the hair, fucked her brutally and came all over her face....

Turns out we don't watch the same movies...

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded
weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "thank God we can all still drive"