A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Papatoetoe Cab Rank. The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?"!!!!!!!!!!!
- Goto:
- Go
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND." Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women:
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE !
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favoured over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE !
retailtherapy73 12 years ago
Why did the mexican throw his wife over a cliff?
Tequilla
Tequilla
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
Two Jewish Men In An Indian Restaurant:
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . . . .
. . . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realising he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.
'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews!
- No Indian Jews !!!'
Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . . . .
. . . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I doont be knowing, I ask cooksaheb..' He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realising he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India. Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'Cooksaheb say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
Listen, I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter.
'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Cococnut Jews & Tomato Jews!
- No Indian Jews !!!'
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
Seamus & Millie... (Repost by Request):
An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
Solicitor
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .
Seamus
'Well, Oi'll tellya what happened. Oi had just loaded me favourite cow, Millie, inta da...'
Solicitor
'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus
'Well, Oi'd just got Millie inta da sidecar and Oi was driving down da road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Millie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as Oi was sayin, Oi'd just loaded Millie, me favourite cow, inta da sidecar and was droivin her down da road when dis huge lorry and trailer came troo a stop soign and hit me roight in da soide. I was trown inta one ditch and Millie was trown into da other. Oi was hurt very bad loike, and didn't wanta move. However, Oi could hear old Millie moanin and groanin. Oi knew she was in terrible pain just boi her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorboike turned up. He could hear Millie moanin and groanin so he went over ta her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across da road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, “how badly are you hurt?”'
'Now what da Fook would you have said'?
An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was sueing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
Solicitor
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .
Seamus
'Well, Oi'll tellya what happened. Oi had just loaded me favourite cow, Millie, inta da...'
Solicitor
'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus
'Well, Oi'd just got Millie inta da sidecar and Oi was driving down da road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said,
'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Millie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as Oi was sayin, Oi'd just loaded Millie, me favourite cow, inta da sidecar and was droivin her down da road when dis huge lorry and trailer came troo a stop soign and hit me roight in da soide. I was trown inta one ditch and Millie was trown into da other. Oi was hurt very bad loike, and didn't wanta move. However, Oi could hear old Millie moanin and groanin. Oi knew she was in terrible pain just boi her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorboike turned up. He could hear Millie moanin and groanin so he went over ta her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across da road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, “how badly are you hurt?”'
'Now what da Fook would you have said'?
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
Tooooo Funny.....!
Define handsome:
A teacher at a High School in New Orleans asks one of her brightest students to use the word "handsome" in a sentence.
The girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Leroy's Soul Pole, My jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye! And someday, these people will vote.
Define handsome:
A teacher at a High School in New Orleans asks one of her brightest students to use the word "handsome" in a sentence.
The girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Leroy's Soul Pole, My jaw gets sore and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to your eye! And someday, these people will vote.
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
Jewish Divorce:
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff ! All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $4,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff ! All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $4,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
Notech_The_Abbot 12 years ago
Just for shits and Grins 
- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Notech_The_Abbot 12 years ago
But then...
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS……
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP "MONKS".
Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS……
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP "MONKS".
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
A true Confession:
A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one........"
A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one........"
bustMall 12 years ago
A guy surfing off the FL coast was attacked by a shark. The shark took his entire left side.
He's alright now.
He's alright now.
Notech_The_Abbot 12 years ago
Bust I had to read that over and over and then I LMAO. Thanks!
SydneySinbad 12 years ago
Every once in a while, in life you run into a genius with true talent.......
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
rimmer1966 12 years ago
What do you call a contented Roman after cunnilingus?
Glad he ate her!
Glad he ate her!
rimmer1966 12 years ago
Stuck for a gift for the boss?
How about an ejector seat for his helicopter?
How about an ejector seat for his helicopter?
- Goto:
- Go
