The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Oh To Be 12 Again...(Humor)

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down..
He then took her to a MC Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favorite sweets............M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story:

Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The Recession hits everybody.....
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America ..

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

I chuckled till I cryed Demo. Thanks (beer)

A funny to lighten up your day.
Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden? POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, ‘I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life… better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!’
Then POOF!… she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, ‘Fred, where are you?’
Fred yells back ‘I’m over here in the pussy willows.’
Dave shouts back, ‘DON’T SWING, Fred!’ FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!!!’

Interesting piece of history:

The Arabs invented the condom in 700 BC, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Richard is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table...
So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts."
Then Grandma says,
"You’re welcome. Eat all ya' want... Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off 'em."

Repost by Request:

The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Lochy was left.
“Lochy, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Afghanistan, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 taliban fighters. She shot 15 of them until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last guy with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Don't mess with Mommy when she's been drinking."

Hypnotist at the Senior Center...
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center .
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, “I’m here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SHIT!” said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

P.S. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

The Green Thing, and how true it is......
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic Bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and Explained, We didn't have the green thing back in my day.
That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, They returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and Refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But They didn't have the green thing back her day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator In every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two Blocks. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the Throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling Machine burning up 220 volts wind and solar power really did dry the Clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, Not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have The green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not a TV in every Room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a Screen The size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and Stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for You. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded Up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut The lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by Working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills That operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing Back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup Or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled Pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades In a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade Got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school Or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi Service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of Sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized Gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in Space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But that old lady is right. They didn't have the green thing back in her Day.

OMG that was MY day too!

Scottish Wedding:
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.

Taxing Time:

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer But on he went in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question .
"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send us a free
package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Fancy Dress Solutions:
A firm with a sense of humour, at last.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple.
















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AN ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

A rugged old blind cowboy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender ...
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? 'and the bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says ...
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things .....
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it carefully, Cowboy, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds, shakes his head and mutters ...
'No, ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times .....'

Thanks Syd

This brought a smile to me this morning when I was sure nothing could cheer me up.

Monkey Business:
A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" asks the man
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table....WHOLE!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight,. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.
He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted, "Did you see what you Monkey did now?'
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," the guy replied, "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Now you have me laughing again Syd

Thanks!!

And the moral of the story is.....
Life Explained
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long." they answered in unison.
"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"
The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life."
The tourist interrupted,
"I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
"And after that?"
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City!
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."
"How long would that take?"
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years." replied the tourist.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."


And the moral of this story is:

........ Know where you're going in life... you may already be there!!

Police:
The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.
The Constable said "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered "Yes"
They said "We're afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus".
I said "I know, but she has a lovely personality & she's good with the kids".

Homemade Radiation Tester:
Now you know!!!
NOTE: I checked with SNOPES and this really does work.
With all the fear of radiation fallout from Japan I thought it might be useful to tell you about a cheap, effective, homemade radiation tester you can easily assemble and rely upon.
Follow these simple instructions, IT REALLY WORKS!!
OPEN A BAG OF ORVILLE REDENBACHER MICROWAVE POPCORN.
LEAVE IT ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER.
IF IT STARTS POPPING, YOU'RE FUCKED!

Boyfriend vs Husband:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmers, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV.
Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command 'http I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.
Good Luck,
Tech Support