The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Notes to the Milkman

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds
keep pecking the tops off the milk."

Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a
baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a
dozen pints, but the other way round."

When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake
me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it
before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby
two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one
pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays
when I don't want any milk."

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get
money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen
table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean
tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."

When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler,
let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS. Don't leave any milk.

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he
is dead until further notice."

An Italian Boy's Confession:
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please Father, I cannot tell you.'
The Priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.' !!!!!!

Thanks Syd, I needed that laugh tonight !!!

Darwin Award: (Don't know why they called it this?)

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold up in Long Beach California, the would be robber did something that could only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again................this time it worked.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and said, "Mabel, do you know that you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my left ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid." !!!!!!!!!!

Great ones Syd. You save my day

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him with a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

To All Cowboys Everwhere:

A Tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.
He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole where the Crematorium used to be.
Sorta brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

Canoe Trip:
This is just plain sailing.
We are planning a trip for July 30, 2011 to the home of one of the earliest Indian settlements
See photo of our Guide below:
The excursion will consist of a bus trip to the Cherokee Nation, and a guided tour along the river which runs through it.

Cost of the river trip is $ 850.00 PER PERSON which includes food.
If you'd like to go too, book early, as I anticipate space will be extremely limited.
We'll do some sightseeing, wildlife photography and that sort of thing.
The highlight of the trip will be the river tour with white water rapids.
What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Cherokee; born and raised in the area, and extremely
knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.
Below is a photo of our guide , and the river we will be running.
If you are interested, let me know as soon as possible.
This trip is often sold out a year in advance.
OUR GUIDE

Her Name is UCAN TUCHUM
Don't forget ..... let me know if you would like a spot on the trip

As you may know, the current conflict in Libya has increased alert levels in some European and other countries. The Obama administration has basically eliminated alert levels in the US as he firmly believes he can appease all terrorists by promises of friendship and money. Here are the revised alert levels. I think you will enjoy this.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
by JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person

Quote:

Originally posted by SydneySinbad

As you may know, the current conflict in Libya has increased alert levels in some European and other countries. The Obama administration has basically eliminated alert levels in the US as he firmly believes he can appease all terrorists by promises of friendship and money. Here are the revised alert levels. I think you will enjoy this.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
by JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and the announcement of the death of Osama bin Laden, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer (of Monty Python fame), actor and tall person

Great- very funny- but it wasn't Cleese's bit... http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html
It seems that whenever there's an obscure funny bit that comes from America- it get's attributed to George Carlin, and when it's from GB it get's attributed to Cleese.

Quote:

Originally posted by spiny_norman

...
Great- very funny- but it wasn't Cleese's bit...[ Link ]
It seems that whenever there's an obscure funny bit that comes from America- it get's attributed to George Carlin, and when it's from GB it get's attributed to Cleese.

Sound like Cleese, I LMAO so does it really matter? "Just Sayin"

Bob and the Blonde:
It could only happen to a "blonde" sorry to my "blonde" friends.

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied,
"I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Golf Club Sign
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE..... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

A gunnery sgt (Marine, E-7) was taking leave in New Orleans. He was walking down the streat and he came apon a whore house he hasn't been to in a long time. So he decided to visit. He walked up to the door, knocked, and was led in but the lady of the house.

"Gunny!" she said, " come on in... long time no see"

"Thanks.. Any new girls since last time I've been here?" he pondered.

Thinking..she said, "why yes we do. Here name is Tina." "I'll have her come up and visit you" "same room?"

"Yes thanks"

So the lady led gunny to the room that he usually get's. She told him to make himself at home and will fetch Tina for him. He waited and then Tina came in.

"Hello gunny, my mistress told me to take very good care of you" "So, how shall we start?" "I know, I'll strip for you to get things started"

So she wen to the radio and turned on some music and started giving gunning a very sexy strip dance. After she was done, seductively she started taking gunnies clothes off. After he was nude, she notice he was still limped. Wondering, Tina asked gunny if she wasn't sexy enought for him.

He said she was very sexy but told her to watch. He looked down and with a commanding voice he said "Ateeenn HUT!" and then boing..he penis is rocked hard.

Amazed by this, Tina asked if any of the other girls knows about this? He told her no they haven't seen this. He just recently trained his dick to do this and then told her to look again. The gunny looked back down to his dick and said, "At ease!" so the dick went limp.

Tina was so amazed by this she told him to wait and wanted to show the other girls this. She went out and gathered all the girls who was not occupied yet. She got them to the room and the girls looked at gunny and then at Tina. One girl said "What? Yes his dick is limped but what of it?" "It's not like we never seen a limped dick before"

Tina turned to the girls and said, "Watch and wait" turning to the gunny she said "Ok gunny do it."

Gunny looked down and said "Ateeen HUT!!" boing...rock hard.

Tina, "ok gunny the other"

Gunny, "At ease!" Limped

The girls was starting to get histerical about this. One girl asked gunny to do again.

Gunny, "Ateeen HUT!" boing rock hard "At ease!" limp

Again one of the girls just could not believe her eyes and asked gunny to do it one more time. So the gunny...

"Ateeeen HUT!" rock hard... "At ease!" but still rock hard. Gunny looked at his dick again with a bit firmer voice "AT Ease!" still rock hard. Gunny was getting a little irate... so a big loud commanding voice he said "AT EASE!" still rock hard. So the gunny went to corner and jacked off. When he was done..gunny had tears in his eyes.

Tina came to him and asked gunny, "What's wrong?"

The gunny looked at tina and with a choke in is throat and said...

"Dis-honorable Discharge"

I placed this Recipe in this Forum to those I'm pretty sure like to eat Italian.
The World's Best Fettuccine Alfredo Recipe
Fettuccine Alfredo
Ingredients
10 ounces fettuccini pasta
1/2 cup butter
5 cloves garlic, chopped
1 cup heavy cream
1 egg yolk
2 cups freshly grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons dried parsley
Directions
1. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add fettuccine pasta
and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.
2. In a large skillet melt the butter and add the chopped garlic. Cook on
low for about 5 minutes, stirring often, making sure not to burn the garlic.
3. Pour about a 1/4 cup of the heavy cream into a small bowl. Add the egg
yolk and beat together; put aside. Pour the remaining cream into the frying
pan. Increase the heat to medium-high. As the cream starts to boil, mix
rapidly using a whisk. Slowly add the cream/egg mixture. You do not want the
egg to curdle. Continue whisking until well blended.
4. Add 1 cup of the Parmesan cheese and continue to mix the cream. Pour in
the remaining Parmesan and the parsley, mix until smooth. Immediately remove
from stove. Serve over cooked pasta.

Sensitivity,

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.


She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."


She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."


The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.


After a few moments, a man named Marvin at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes," said the Instructor.


"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland . Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy
iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate him being missing. They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said......................
..................




Wait for it!






Wait for it!





Wait for it!




************************


OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!