The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Alrighty, time for a new Thread. Previous laughs on http://whatboyswant.com/forum_read/4144759/1/10/The_Official_WBW_Joke_Thread_Vol_3.html Enjoy this Thread as well!

(no joke? =)


5*****

(get with it people)

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands David, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, David says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of David.. After a few seconds,David hands her $800
and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'

'It was David, the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each
of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof!
She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of
a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

Dear Abby: I am an 18 year okd girl from Arkansas and I'm still a
virgin. Do you think my brothers are gay?

A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house,
and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a
see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant
girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," indignantly
exclaimed the brunette. "You're not rescued yet either."

Gay: A guy who enlarges the circle of his friends!

There are three elderly people that get together on Friday night to
play cards. Normally they play in the kitchen but on this night the
kitchen is being remodeled. Not having a card table they decide to
play cards in the living room with no more than a paper spread over
their laps. Now the three people's name are Peter, Penny and
Pricilla. After a few hours the two ladies decide to "powder their
noses." While in the powder room Pricilla looks at Penny and says
"Penny did you see Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the
parlor as we were playing poker?" Penny replied "Pricilla, don't
talk about Peter's pecker poking through the paper in the parlor as
we were playing poker! It makes my pussy pucker and I can't pee!"

Why is a cheerleader like a tampons? They're both stuck up bitches!

A pair of stripteasers named Betsy and Beth were grinding it out
before an audience of all-male art lovers when Betsy noticed that
Beth's G-string was slipping. Betsy whispered urgently, "Oh, Beth,
where is thy string?" Beth looked down and shrugged. "They'll think
it's part of the act," she whispered back, "if you'll just bare with
me."

When the baby was born, the parents couldn't figure out which sex it
was. Rather than assign it a sex surgically, however, they opted to
let the child decide when it grew up. However, to get by in modern
American society, they did need to assign a gender to avoid sticky
situations. Thus, by dressing the child in girl's clothing, they
managed to skirt the issue.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits
down, and says, "Give me a beer. I've had a rough day at work." And
the bartender says, "Oh? What do you do?" The guy says, "I take care
of the corgis--you know, the dogs the royal family owns." The
bartender asks, "Tough job, huh? The guy says, "Yeah. All that
inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments. And the
dogs aren't too smart, either."

Hey, Syd & TK'

A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

(ya'll been there done that)

Ty guys, what a marvelous contribution from both of youse to this New Thread. Ty from Downunder.

It's almost 8:45, gotta run............

very funny

A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was
hyphenated. The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you
writing home about!" The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad
about the project we worked so 'hard on'."

~~~~~~~~

A priest and a rabbi are having a few drinks together. The priest
turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey rabbi, let's go find a couple of
alter boys and screw em!", to which the rabbi replies, with his
hands spread out, "Outta what?"

~~~~~~~~~

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom
and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you
want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the
Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before
the two minute warning."

A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was
hyphenated. The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you
writing home about!" The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad
about the project we worked so 'hard on'."

~~~~~~~~

A priest and a rabbi are having a few drinks together. The priest
turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey rabbi, let's go find a couple of
alter boys and screw em!", to which the rabbi replies, with his
hands spread out, "Outta what?"

~~~~~~~~~

After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom
and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you
want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the
Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before
the two minute warning."

================


I'm not saying she's easy, but her body has been declared a national
recreation area.

=====================

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

========================

Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Kid: "Yeah, once
my sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted, dad had a
heart attack, & our neighbor ran away."

===========================

Finally! -- a Blonde GUY Joke!

Blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says: "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife'saving a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.
One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the
aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some
sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is
forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all
retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane
is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

Dump the male flight attendants; no one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Obama think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

2 oap's are enjoying oral sex together.
the old man says, i cant stay down here for to long it stinks.
the old lady replies,
sorry its my arthritis.
man replies ,
arthritis in your fanny?
no! says the old lady.
arthritis in my arm i cant wipe my arse

little boy in confession says to priest,
forgive me father for i have sinned, i wanked my self of over my sister,
priest turns around and says,
that is disgraceful!
especially as you have 2 gorgeous little brothers

3 doctors are bragging about their countries medical achievements.
the israeli doc starts by saying,
medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of 1 person,
put it in to another and have them up and looking for work within 6 weeks!.
the german doc says,
thats nothing,
in germany we can take a lung out of 1 person put it in to another and with in 4 weeks he is up looking for work!.
not to be out done ,
the english doc says,
well we can take a arsehole out of scotland,
put him in 10 downing street,
and have half the country looking for work with in 24 hours

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night
and ask if you can use the bathroom.

Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived
their daughter.

Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

Pretend to eat your arm.

Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

One day Joe goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional.
"Father", he says, "this week I have sinned forty three times."

"My son", the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen
with?"

"My wife, Jill," Joe answers.

"But that is not a sin", the priest says, "That is common behavior
in
a marriage."

"I know,", Joe says with a smile, "I was just anxious to tell
someone."

---------------------

During our computer class, the teacher chastised one boy for talking
to the girl sitting next to him.

"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.

"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.

"Okay," he answered, "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"

===========================

Q. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?

A. A sex-change operation.

---------------------------

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will
be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about
this?

A. Your therapist.

==================

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat
tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he
struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, 'You wanna
screwdriver?'

He says, 'We might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off'

=======================

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