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The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Starter: SydneySinbad Posted: 15 years ago Views: 32.1K
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#4286429
Lvl 37
Two blondes are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up
car
down to a bank they're going to rob. "Drive slower" pleads the one
in
the passenger seat, "I don't want all the nitro in the boot to
explode." "Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a
spare box under the seat . . . "
#4286430
Lvl 30
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


Sincerely,

Tiger Woods
#4286431
Lvl 30
Londoners:

A Londoner parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off. More than a little distraught, the Londoner grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically:
'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Londoners are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Londoner looks down in horror. 'FUCKING HELL!' he screams.............'Where's my Rolex????...'
#4286432
Lvl 9
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her
husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm
dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor
on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks
feebly?
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed
to let him play through."
#4286433
Lvl 37
The Top 13 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well

13. You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of
that
week-old restraining order.

12. The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists
on
giving her away.

11. Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't
remember the
Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

10. At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid
toast.

9. Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's
when the
priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

8. The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over
who
gets to wear the dress.

7. The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's
ankle
cuff.

6. When the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew shows up to help
plan the
upcoming honeymoon, your fiancé becomes alarmingly smitten with
Carson the
fashion savant.

5. "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.

4. After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks
if she
wants the room for the whole night this time.

3. You spot Ron Jeremy (the porn star) sitting on the bride's side
of the
church.

2. The groom refuses to put the ring on your finger, saying, "Not
the
Preciousssss!"

1. You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could,
the
wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in
Singapore.
#4286434
Lvl 37
Why Oreos Are Better Than Men
(compiled by little Keebler elves)

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

And the # 1 reason is....

1.The creamy white stuff tastes good.
#4286435
Lvl 22
I hate myself sometimes, then TK says,

Quote:
Originally posted by knocker

any chance we can have a whip round, get leggy a new cam.? i will start with 20 quid, but how do we set up her account.? to send the cash.?



I'm the WBW Treasurer, Send all funds or better yet Credit Card info to me. I'll use my utmost discretion in withdrawing funds.


Then I think it's really fair that I charge money to fix 'Their' cars!
#4286436
Lvl 30
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.



She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean!'
#4286437
Lvl 30
Monk's Funny!
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door..
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight
.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.





DON'T SWEAR AT ME;
I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !
#4286438
Lvl 30
Bush Poetry



Doesn't the warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry bring a tear to the eye?

We are blessed in this country to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers like me
through whom future generations can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.





A Poem About Tomatoes

I know an Abbo whose name is Jim,
I love throwing lots of tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, cos they're still in the tin!!

#4286439
Lvl 7
A man in the Safeway Store in Texas tries to buy half a head of
lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the
manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into
the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole wants to
buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned
to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager
approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way
you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Upper Michigan, sir", the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave The U.P.?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Marquette."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
#4286440
Lvl 7
A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every
time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman
comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus
passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door
behind me" and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband
comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband:
"What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman: "Well, you are not
going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
#4286441
Lvl 7
EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET VALENTINE'S DAY
The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move?
*
I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.
*
The Hallmark Store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than
the best.
*
I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up
again!
*
I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner.
Where were you?
*
I didn't know you liked jewelry.
*
I thought Saint Valentine's Day was a Catholic holy Day.
*
Your mailman must have been shot in a Post Office Massacre.
*
I thought we would do something different this year.
*
I thought it would mean I was making a commitment.
*
You didn't remind me!
#4286442
Lvl 7
I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a
sign saying "Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating
positions." Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain
brown paper, I just had to buy one. Once safely at home I opened
it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an
expensive book about Chess.

A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.

A beautiful young feminist insisted on attending the local church in
a see through blouse. The priest saw her approaching and protested,
"I'm afraid you can't enter the church dressed like that" "But I
have a divine right " persisted the woman, "A divine left too " said
the priest, but you still can't come in.

Wet Dream: A snorgasm.

A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to Muir Woods
National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After
successfully negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus driver
pulled over to the side of the road. "Well, this is a new twist,"
he said, surveying his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of
petrified tourists to see a living forest!
#4286443
Lvl 37
Mafia Valentine's Day Greetings...

My love for you...
it came and went
So your feet are now
in wet cement.

I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
#4286444
Lvl 30



A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"
#4286445
Lvl 30
Irish Password:

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that
Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied ''Bejazus!
are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8
characters long and include one capital''
#4286446
Lvl 22
, thanks Syd !

(Ichanged all my paswords)
#4286447
Lvl 37
The Sunday School teacher had been helping the children learn about
the Ten Commandments. One morning she asked, "Can anyone could
recite
the next commandment?"

Immediately Little Johnny said, "I can! I can!" And proceeded to
say,
"Thou shalt not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife!"
#4286448
Lvl 7
DIARY OF A Washington D.C. SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving to Flynt was the best idea
I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time
in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the
sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm
glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March... I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has
a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's
too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was

all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber

came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to
replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in... That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed
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