The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

It was the golf club's Christmas tournament and George had been paired with Judy as his partner. To everyone's surprise they won easily. After several celebratory drinks they wound up in bed. Afterwards, Judy said,

"You know, when I went to bed with the golf club pro, he managed it twice."

Not to be outdone, George set to it again, winding up exhausted but happy.

"On second thoughts." said Judy, "I think it was three times."

So, with some effort, George climbed back on board. Afterwards he rolled off sweating and panting profusely.

"When I think about it." said Judy, "It could have been four times ..."

Suddenly, George reached for the phone and started dialling.

"Who are you calling?" asked Judy.

"The Golf Pro." replied George, " I want to know what par is for this hole!"

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out
of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore
never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the
lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him
again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Two men, one American and a Hindu Indian were sitting in a bar and discussing about their family problems. Shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American: "We have problem in India . We can't marry the one whom we love. You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely and domesticated girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this an arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love. I told my parents that openly and now have a hell of a lot of family problems."
The American said: "Talking about love marriages, in America we can marry the one we love. Let me tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated her for three years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife is my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. The situation turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems?"
The Indian fainted.

(I'm related to my uncle 3rd cousin removed and I went to school with his wife)

Prostate Checkup:
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ...... Two ... Three" .....

Worst First Date:
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until
they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about
an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point here she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a
real gentleman and refrained from peeking.. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation..
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to
poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.. And you thought
your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'


Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Quote:

Originally posted by Notech_The_Monk

(I'm related to my uncle 3rd cousin removed and I went to school with his wife)

This doesn't surprise me

Quote:

Originally posted by scrog

...
This doesn't surprise me

And your family tree?

It’s a worry!!
A worrying thought for 2012.......
10 years ago Bob Hope died
5 years ago Johnny Cash died
A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died
A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Never give a guide dog LSD

More Little Johnny:
Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does........................................ A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnny's bedroom and hears a noise.
He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says,
It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?".

Great One Syd !

Outhouse:
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied: "I tell them to bring it back tomorrow, like everyone else does".

Subject: Cardiovascular Exercise that Anyone can do.
Pass to all 60 years and older - Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and
maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 60, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It
may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.




































































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a Glass of Wine.

Holy Humor:
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us
our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I
will lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!





When you carry the Bible, Satan gets a headache... When you open it, he collapses... When he sees you reading it, he faints... When he sees that you are living what you read, he flees... And when you are about to forward this message... He will try and discourage you. I just defeated him!!! Any other takers?

Thought up this while making observations at work today.
What do you call a woman who can park straight 50% of the time?
A hermaphrodite!

Quote:

Originally posted by kiefjones

Thought up this while making observations at work today.
What do you call a woman who can park straight 50% of the time?
A hermaphrodite!

seriously!

Last night, my daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel
my allowance immediately, rent out my room, throw all my clothes out of the
window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of
my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then sell my new car that you
gave me. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.
Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write
me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that. What she actually said was...
"Dad, I have decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign.

This is your Captain speaking:

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the Captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the PA; 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Newfie passenger yelled,
'lord tunderen jezis, you should see the back of mine! '

Dog For Sale:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'