The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Business ideas that somehow failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't
attract retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the
hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other
amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to
its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount
prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and
thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in
"50,000 mile tune-ups".

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a
long-term customer base.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorroids...available in all
your favorite fragrances.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong
evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the
defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his
client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you
all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one
minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute
passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I
therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in
this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few
minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict
of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your
client didn't."

Mongolian VD


While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want ,but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

Thanks Syd !

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor



A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.



"Okay," says the bartender, "Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."



"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."





The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "But, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!


Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.


He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

^^not bad bud. not bad!!!! i'm still roffeling!!

^^ Ty my friend. go the COTHF ™

Dear Employee:

Due to the high number of Managers, Directors, Non Executive Directors, Assistant Directors etc. etc. we, the Board of Directors have decided to cut down on the number of administrative staff within THE COMPANY.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program, Sever Late-Aged Personnel will be known as SLAP Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Trust.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called the Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers, or SCREW.

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination, or SHAFT.

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the Trust deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance, HERPES or Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment, CLAP.

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the Trust.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the Trust will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate line manager, who is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can handle.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A man asked his friend, "How's your wife doing?"
The friend said, "Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself
lately. But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."

~~~~

"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice?
said her closest friend.

"Well," Bernice confirmed,
"Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left
a lot to be desired."

~~~~~

Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth
to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand
times?" said the one. "Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any
housework?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because, I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all!
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Thanks Syd, been awhile since I've spewed my beer on the screen over a joke!

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't even know the way to the fucking Post Office, you wanker"

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replies Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late."

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance."

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)

*Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk:

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk:

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. j)
I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Why Sheep Are Better Than Women

1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

5. Nuttin' beats mutton.

6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your
coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed
off when you tell them.

A man went to the urologist and told him he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect.

The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. However he knew of an experimental treatment that might work if he was willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of implanting muscle from an elephant’s trunk into the man’s penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was to much for him to bear. So with the assurance that there was no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, “that was incredible! Can you do it again?”

With his eyes watering, he replied “ I think I can, but I’m not sure I can fit another bread roll up my arse.”

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading ´For sale, clitoris licking frog´

She goes in and the shopkeeper say´s ´Bonjour madame´.