The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

The difference between light and hard is you can sleep with a light
on.

The other day I met this really attractive girl and after a few
hours and a quite a few drinks the topic turned to sexual fantasies.
"My fantasy," she said, "is to be fucked by 12 inches AND to bleed!"
Willing to oblige I took her home, fucked her three times and
punched her in the mouth.

I'm not saying she's easy, but she's been mounted more often than
Trigger.

Mr. Cleaver told his wife, "I think we need to find a new
baby-sitter for little Wally. This Judi is just too worldly-wise for
a teenager." "But Wally said she told him some sort of interesting
story about animals last night," Mrs. Cleaver replied, "Uh huh. And
when I asked little Wally about it, he said it was about a wolf who
was trapped into giving a mink to a fox with a beaver."

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps
with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

A little boy and girl are sitting in a sandbox when they both stood
up and their pants fell off and they asked each other "what's that"
pointing to their private parts.

So they ran home and the little boy asked his father what it was and
dad answered" that's your truck, try to park it in as many garages
as you can."

The little girl asked her mother the same question and she said
"that's your garage and don't let any boy park his truck there."

So the next day the little girl comes running home yelling "mommy,
mommy a boy tried to park his truck in my garage so I knocked his
fucking wheels off."

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE THEIR HUSBANDS SHOPPING



After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Sinbad,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Sinbad,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
' Mission Impossible' theme..

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

I met this beautiful girl last night.

She invited me back to her place and we had the greatest steamiest
sex ever.

Actually, it wasn't really the *greatest* sex ever, it was more like
medium-great sex, and well, she didn't exactly invite me back to her
place, I sort of followed her home to her apartment.

To be factual, we didn't actually have sex per se, but we came very
close.

You see we were fondling each other pretty intensely...well,
actually, I was fondling her, she wasn't fondling me...well, really,
I wasn't actually *fondling* her, our bodies just got very close
together.

To be honest, I just sort of brushed into her. Accidentally. But it
was great, really hot and sensual you know?

Actually, to be specific, it wasn't really her that I brushed into,
it was actually the back of the chair she was sitting in. Although,
the chair was...on the other side of a wall you see...in another
room sort of. And I was sort of leaning on the wall, but the chair
was very close to the wall, very close. Of course, she was on the
third floor and I was sort of...on the street...leaning against the
building.

But wow! What a night. What a night.

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old
VW beetle from his parents.

He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and
overturned the car directly between the house of Mr.
and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls

... luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

~~~~~~

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we
noticed an adult couple in the bleachers. They were being VERY
affectionate. She was running her hands all over him and nibbling
on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the
game."

He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

It's just before England v France at the Millennium Stadium, an
important European Championship qualifier game. David Beckham goes
into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a
bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only France. They're shit and we can't be
bothered"

Beckham looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys
by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself and the rest of
the England team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen
reads "England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes)" He is beating
France all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until
someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got
on."

They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Millennium Stadium :
England 1 (Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Zidane 89 minutes).

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
France!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him.

They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with his
head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down"

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12
minutes!!!!!!"

TEXAS SEX

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'

'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy
'What is it?'

'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount
her from behind.

Then you reach around and cup each one of her
breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'

Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

====================================================================================================================



On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? Tha t's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty ye ars.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Now this really does make me feel old!

**Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 55 years ago!**

**'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'**

**'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'**

**'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a
pack is ridiculous.'**

**'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents
just to mail a letter.'**

**'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to
hire outside help at the store.'**

**'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'**

**'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they
let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it
seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'**

**'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some
fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in
****Texas****.'**

**'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the
President.'**

**'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now.'**

**'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women are having to work to make ends meet.'**

**'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'**

**'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business.'**

**'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
government.'**

**'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'**

**'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it
costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'**

**'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'**

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time and this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, they are currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now you know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer ...'

Actual call-centre conversations ...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

The English Penny -- EU Directive No. 456179 In order to meet the
conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of
the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be
made aware that the phrase, 'Spending a Penny,' is NOT to be used
after 31st December 2009. From this date, the correct terminology
will be: 'Euronating.' Thank you for your compliance.

For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known
for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the
desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?" "Yes, it's
our honeymoon," I replied. "How many adults will there be?" she
asked.

I used to date a Siamese twin but she was too jealous. She was
always accusing me of seeing her Sister behind her back.

Mrs. Johnson, the elementary school math teacher, was having
children do problems on the blackboard that day. "Who would like to
do the first problem, addition?" No one raised their hand. She
called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right. "Who
would like to do the second problem, subtraction?" Students hid
their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was
some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. "Who would
like to do the third problem, division?" Now a low collective groan
could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The
teacher called on Suzy, who got it right. "Who would like to do the
last problem, multiplication?" Johnny's hand shot up, surprising
everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in
the stunned silence. "Why the enthusiasm, Johnny?" "Because the
Bible says to go fourth and multiply."

A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA , to
Branson , MO. As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to
the driver and says, "I've just been molested!" The driver felt that
she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to
her seat, and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that
she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old
wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that
she'd
been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and
pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his
hands and knees crawling in the aisles. "Hey gramps, what are you
doing
down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee............... I thought I found it three times,
but
every time I try to grab it..., it runs away...!!"