Little girl gets lost in Tesco´s.
A security guard asks her ´What´s your mum like?´
Little girl replies ´Big cocks and vodka´.
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it´s only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy.
Doc say´s ´that looks nasty´.
She say´s ´Nasty?, it´s just the tip of the iceberg!
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
The receptionist asks ´do you have reservations?´
The bride answers ´Yes, I'm not too sure about taking it up the arse´!
A boss has decided that he has to get rid of one of his staff and has narrowed the list down to Jack and Sarah.
He approached Sarah and explained that he had to lay her or jack off.
She replied, "Do you mind jacking off, I've got a terrible headache".
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"
The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
Fuck off you prick
What do you call a man with some cat scratches on his head ?
Claude !
What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head ?
Anita !
What do you call a man with a map on his head ?
Miles !
What do you call a man with a wig on his head ?
Aaron !
What do you call a man with a mat on his head ?
Neil !
What do you call a woman with a radiator on her head ?
Anita !
What do you call a man with a stamp on his head ?
Frank !
What do you call a woman with a breeze on her head ?
Gail !
What do you call a woman with a tortiose on her head ?
Shelley !
What do you call a man with a double decker bus on his head ?
The deceased
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
On my 9th birthday my parents asked me what I wanted. I said 'I wanna watch'........so they let me.
Q: What is two inches wide, six inches long and drives a women wild?
A: A bar of chocolate
Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find!!!
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
How do you stop a woman giving you a blow-job?
Marry Her
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she
looks
down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments
on
the creature's rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as
you."
Frog: "Look, leave me alone my dear. I told you, it's a really bad
spell."
Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"
Frog: "I don't know dear, a spell this bad will probably take a blow
job."
ThreadKiller 14 years ago
I work at a hospital in labor and delivery. We had a patient whose
last name was Seaman. The patient was discharged, but the ward
clerk was not informed. Later in the day, admissions called and
wanted to know if the patient had been discharged. The ward clerk
put admissions on hold and yelled out, "Who discharged Seaman?"
After a long pause, we all burst out laughing.
====================
Have you heard about the masochist who had to break a date because
he was going to be tied up all night?
=================
"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?" "It was a
disaster.
We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature
ejaculation." "What did he say when it occurred?" "He just said I
was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."
==============
There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a
blowjob.
